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2011-02-26 - 12:06 p.m.2011 is the best year ever!!!
First, let me say that married life is wonderful - I highly recommend it. We got the good news recently that Dean's brother is getting married - to his long time girlfriend and one of my bestest friends - I couldn't be happier!! The news was a surprise - we always knew they'd end up married because they are so wonderfully in love, but they are a bit younger than us and it took us 8 years to get engaged so we thought it might take them a while longer - but we were thrilled when we got the news that they're planning a wedding this year!! I am so lucky to have married into such a wonderful, loving family, and to have for new sister one of the loveliest people on earth. We are truly blessed.
Dean finished his movie!! Hip Hip Hooray!! It seems like all kinds of long term hopes and dreams are coming to fruition this year. And I couldn't be more proud of Dean!
We are seriously trying to have a baby this year and this baby who is yet to be is occupying a lot of my thoughts - I am so happy! Dean is so open about his desire to have a baby with me, it is making me feel so loved and happy! The other day, I can't remember how it came up, but we were talking about someone else who has a big family with lots of children and Dean said something to the effect of "We can have as many babies as you want!" I don't really know how many I want or we'll end up having - For now I am happy with planning for just one and then when he or she comes into the world we'll see how it goes - but it made me feel so loved and supported that he really wants to have a family with me, and is unlimited in his love and support of that.
Dean and I had a great talk a couple of weeks ago - We were talking about life plans and I laid out for him my personal goals and projections for the near future - I told him that this year I want to get pregnant, and I'd like to be a stay at home mom, but I'd also like to go back to school next year because with this economy jobs just don't pay enough with my current level of schooling, and not only was he absolutely supportive, but he brought up the idea of us starting a business next fall - We want to start a tourist attraction, a museum of sorts, which I think we would be expertly suited to do, considering my experience with museum work and our knowledge of cryptozoology and the like. So we agreed that this year we would do the research, make a business plan, I would hopefully get pregnant, and next year we would talk again about our business plan. I love the idea that we would be partners in a career - of course Electric Children could take off in other directions between now and then, which would be great, too - but it makes me happy to think we are both on the same page about building a family and being partners in a family business, whether it is EC or our museum idea.
One of the most wonderful things about Dean is I know when he says something, he means it, and I also know we don't have to talk about it further - He has a mind like an elephant's - he never forgets - so we have plans that we both share and I know both our hearts are in this together.
It feels really good to know that he accepts me and our shared plans for the future - I never worried that he wouldn't - but I guess the feminist in me was afraid to admit that I want to have babies, that I want to stay at home, and that I want to have a shared future with him rather than an independent career plan. If we don't end up starting a business together, he also supports me going back to school, and that means alot since our finances are joined now that we're married and I know that me going back to school would affect us both in my time and the money it would cost. It just feels so good to be of one mind about our future, and to have his love and support.
Another thing on my mind right now is quitting smoking - It is such a hard habit to break! Not because of the addiction to Nicotine, which I can routinely go without when I am in the presence of family who wouldn't care for me smoking, but because I really enjoy it. Of course it will be easy to quit if I find out I'm pregnant, I'll quit cold turkey in a heartbeat, but I keep going back and forth about giving it up now, ahead of time. I really just have to make up my mind to do it, I know I can do anything I set my mind to, but it's my only vice and it's been hard to want to give it up. Dean is wonderfully supportive in this as well - I've been talking about quitting for years and he never gives me flak about continuing to smoke. That will make it easier for me when the time comes to quit, which I know is soon.
Another small thing on my mind is the amount of time and energy I put into my friendships - I feel sometimes as though I don't do my own projects and fulfill my personal goals because after putting the energy into my friends, I am a bit drained and don't have the energy for my own life. I have been trying to slowly set up boundaries and limit my output, but it is difficult because I love my friends and want to be there for them - I just sometimes feel like their troubles weigh too heavily on me and I'm thinking more about them, even when they're not around, than I ought to be. It's a tough economy right now and everyone we know is on unemployment - It's hard to want to pull back from people when you know they need you, so Dean and I have made the conscious decisions together to be there for people - but I know at some point we are going to have to focus more on our own lives. Hopefully I will get pregnant soon and things will happen in a natural flow that everyone will understand.
Maybe it's just me getting older, and I don't mean to be so judgemental, but I'm having a harder time relating to some of my friends who haven't grown out of the drama of our youth. I know everything happens in its own time for different people, but I'm starting to worry that some of our friends aren't ever going to get it together - and I don't mean financially - I worry about my friends a lot. But I have to be hopeful that we are all in this life together, and brought to each other for a reason, and that we'll all see the light and settle down when the time is right. And if not, that doesn't mean I can't accept and love people for who they are - I'm just in that period of adjustment right now where I'm starting to separate my identity from them and accepting them for wherever they are, and accepting myself for where I am.
I'm sure my mother has had the same concerns about me - Seeing my potential in certain career fields and accepting that I'm making life choices that are not prestigious or lucrative, that things take lots of time to unfold behind the scenes even when I'm not directly talking about them.
But life is long, and things are in motion a little bit every day - My mother once told me that happiness is like a pearl necklace - Every happy moment is like a pearl you add and your string gets longer and longer. I already feel like I'm dripping in pearls - I have to try to remember to make pearl moments with other people, contribute to their happy necklaces, and not get bogged down by old patterns of behavior, drama, gossip, judgement - Anyway, I'm working on it!