Past . . . . Present . . . . Email . . . .Notes . . . .Profile
|
2003-10-08 - 12:46 p.m. My mom left town this morning - It has been wonderful to see her, and difficult. Inside I am kind of twisted up - feeling guilty for feeling so angry at her, feeling sad that we don't connect more, loving her and missing her and wishing I could see her more, not-liking the person I become when she is around and feeling angry at myself for letting myself become like that.Her visit has reminded me of how difficult my childhood really was . . . and then as soon as I say that I look at myself from outside and think of what an ungrateful and selfish child I must be . . . This is the cycle of self-realization, then self-hate I go through after I have contact with my mom . . .my mother the saint . . . my mother the bitch . . .my mother the saint . . . myself the bitch . . .myself the saint . . .myself the bitch . . . How could someone else besides me love this mixed up mess that is me? How do people get along with their parents when their parents are crazy? Justin told me when he was here how much he loved his parents and how he really appreciated them for who they were, despite their own problems . . . I want to feel like that about my mom! But it's like she has some sort of magnetic field and when I get in it I lose my sense of identity and self completely, and become like a bratty 10 year old again - self-indulgent, needy, tantrum-throwing, also approval seeking and perfectly behaved. I want to run away with Dean to a remote island far far away from influences that make me crazy, parents or otherwise, and live in bliss and peace and harmony . . . previous /next |
