2001-01-11 - 06:03:54

There is this woma I know named Cindy. Why she is named Cindy i do not know, her name does not suit her. She has 13 tattoos and boucoup peircings and she is one bad ass bitch. She�s 30.

Cindy tells me that she doesn�t sleep with men she loves. Its a rule. And she rarely sleeps with anyone because she sees men as entanglements. Her friends joke about her and say that she�s got a 3 day rule with men. After 3 days, unless they really IMPRESS her, she kicks �em to the curb. And she generally does. Not that she�s a total cunt or anything, on the contrary she is a delightful, insightful, independent human being. Its just that she doesn�t believe in love.

I asked her if she had ever been in love. She said yes, once. I asked her how long were y�all together? and she says 2 years. I asked her why aren�t you together now and she said he was much younger than her and she eventually broke it off with him because she loved him. He had much life to live and she wanted him to live, not to look back, not to miss her, but to really live. Because he hadn�t really seen much of the world or lived as much as she had and she didn�t want to take that away from him. She wanted him to really live and so she sent him on his way. I asked if they still kept in touch and she said she doesn�t keep in touch with him, but he keeps in touch with her, finds out where she is and contacts her every now and again. He�s married now, happily, but he will always love Cindy.

And she said she hated every minute of it. Love is torture she says. She doesn�t ever want to go through that again.

Another girl I know was out with me and Cindy and she said she was torn apart by this guy she dated, she said she was ripped open and now she didn�t even date. She didn�t want to fall in love. She wasn�t interested in men at all.

I can understand the need to be guarded. One must be very careful to guard against the wrong sort of person, against being used and being ridden and being ignored and being wasted and being crushed.

But one has to be open, too. Open to potential and open to love and open to people and open to touch. If you�re never open you can never be seen. If you�re not open, you might overlook all kinds of love in your life.

The trick is to be open and guarded at the same time. To guard against the wrong approach and open to the right one.

Also to guard your body and open your heart. Intimacy and sex are not the same thing - but when you open yourself to sex you forge a bond of intimacy - it is like you�re marrying someone in that instant because you�re letting them into your life. Your body will have a memory of them forever.

True, sex is a way to reach intimacy - and so i want to open up to people and I find that I use the physical route, which isn�t always the best one. Its a pleasure that is much more pleasurable when you�re in love, and rushes me into things with people I�m not ready for . . .but sometimes i just don�t want to wait around for love.

Being in love is so very very rare. I mean real full-on LOVE. its so very rare. It might happen to you twice or 3 times in your life-time TOPS. Others don�t ever know it at all.

On the other hand, i feel like i fall in little-love all the time. I meet someone new and i get sooo excited - i want to know them. And when you grow to really know someone, you can�t help but love them. Every person is so unique, has so much potential.

I guess i fall in love with potential more than anything. Its like the way a seed completely embodies its destiny. But only if its planted in the proper conditions. I have to learn that my destiny is not to provide those conditions for others. My destiny is not to be a climate but to be my own garden.

But I can�t help feeling so excited by new people - its like in each person i meet they strike a new note inside of me - like i�m following a trail of happiness and each person has one breadcrumb that leads me a little further on my way - Like each person has one key that fits a lock somewhere in me. I wonder if I will ever meet someone who holds a master set.