2001-04-30 - 12:17 p.m.

My dreams are curious . . . The first night in the new house I had a dream about Steev, that we were going to be married. Prophecy? I hope not - Allthough I see alot of wonderful potential in him, he just doesn't do it for me. The next night I dreamt about Ryan. I was staying in a large dorm with completely white walls in the interior. There were long hallways that opened out onto walkways suspended like bridges between the floors of the building. Joy was staying in one of the rooms. I received a letter from Ryan and was so excited about it - when I opened it I realized he was staying in the building and I went searching the building to find him. There was a great flood that came through the halls like tidal waves knocking the walkways down just after I had gone through them. I saw Joy washed out while running along a walkway as she was fleeing her room. Ahead of me I saw Ryan and I was running towards him . . . Then I woke up.

I realize that Ryan is one of us, one of four, that I will always think/dream of him regardless of whether he is actually in my life or not.

I watched a movie with Brad Pitt in it the other night. It made me miss Jim (Brad Pitt always reminds me of Jim -I think he looks and acts similar to Brad Pitt, I'm not just boasting about his looks - Jim really is beautiful) and I realized that I have loved Jim so much more than I ever loved Ryan. When Jim and I first broke up I was cruel to him - I told him that Ryan was better in bed and that I loved Ryan more deeply and more spiritually than I loved Jim - but I was just being pissy and involved in the drama of the moment. Time and perspective have shown me I have loved Jim so much more.

I think about my future alot and wonder what will become of me. On the one hand I am so curious and interested in learning a billion things all at once - I fancy myself a Rennaisance (sp?) woman who could develop knowledge in talents in many areas, but I fear that doing so would cause me to drift through life never having built up talent/career/expertise in any one thing and will therefore never accomplish anything lasting that I can be proud of. On the other hand, if I choose one area/path to concentrate on, I know I could succeed very well but I'm afraid of selling myself short and getting bogged down. I sometimes wish I had been born in an earlier age because in ancient times it was more commen for people to study in many different areas and be general travelers or teachers . . . But then again basic survival would have been more important.

Dad tells me that this therapy I've started will help my unconscious work itself out and that I shouldn't think about the future until next year when I've completed the therapy. He says it will all become clear to me and I will know in my heart what it is that will make me happy and bring me success and that I will be ready for it. So I'm trying to quiet my scheming mind which is always planning a thousand jobs and fields of study and possible futures for me. Little by little I'm relaxing and going with the flow . . .

Meanwhile . . . I am reading this most fantastic book called The Secret Teachings of All Ages - It was written in 1925 and was supposed to reveal mystical teachings of ancient cultures like Egypt, Greece, Rome as well as explain the symbolizm and mysticism of secret societies and fraternal organizations such as the Templars, the Freemasons, the Rosecrucians etc. I am loving it because I love symbolism and myth and this book is explaining so much and by presenting alot of mysteries as possible truth it is awakening me to wonder and magic again. I have been reading a chapter by flashlight each night and feel that I am regaining my spiritual curiosity and mysticism which is welcome . . .

Now that I'm finally settled in my house, and have my body and spirit going in the right direction, i feel like branching out again. Its time for me to get out of the house and open to the wide wide world and meet people. i want to laugh again. I want to find a hangout and make a friend. I miss "my girls."