2004-06-23 - 9:24 p.m.

Not much time to write, as usual - but I'm drawn to diaryland tonight. It's been an odd sort of week for me - I spent the weekend in Texas visiting mom and had a very anti-climactic birthday, to say the least. (I did manage to get back into town and hook up with my girls just before midnight, I can't thank them enough for saving my night) Then all week it's just now hit me: I am moving to Santa Cruz in less than 3 weeks! This is really IT. It is HAPPENING.

Of course I'm thrilled and excited to be with Dean, to be near the sea elephants, to finally have the life that I have been seeking for so long -- I couldn't be happier! And I am anxious to be in Santa Cruz already --

but it's sad too the way it's hit me all at once, the way the girls moved out of our house early and now it's just me, it feels like my leaving is anti-climactic in a way, too. When I left Atlanta I had this huge party that included over 100 people and all kinds of drunken debauchery - When I left Canada I had a monumental road trip with Miss Kitty -- and now that I'm leaving LA so quietly I feel like I'm sneaking out of town or something, everybody has already gotten used to the idea of me leaving and it's like I'm already gone.

And it's sad to leave this beautiful beautiful job i've had. Has a year gone by so fast already? La interviewed for my exact job and I think she'll get it. And as I was showing her around today after the interview I recalled how excited I felt to start to work here, how you can smell the ocean in the air and you feel like you're in a sacred space because of the incredible view on all sides. I never even go outside for lunch anymore and I stay too late to walk down the hill at night -- I am definitely going to try to make the most of my last 2 weeks here, that's for sure.

And all the preparation for moving that i so want to do I simply haven't had the time to do, not a moment to myself in over a month, that's probably the real cause of my mallaise today is 4 weeks of gogogogogo with no rejuvination. When you're exhausted, even fun things don't seem as fun because you can't experience them fully.

And jim came to look for a job and hasn't found one (who could find a paying film job in only 2 weeks in this town! impossible i tell you!) and so he's going back to Alabama . . . and it seems that we have all fragmented.

I will really miss my girls.

And anyway I'm just not feeling everything as deeply as I want to be feeling . . .

But I can count so many good things on my horizon, i just can't believe my good fortune - my teacher has asked me to intern at the magick shop, and when I told her I could only do it for 2 days before I leave for Santa Cruz, she said that was fine -- So i'm going to get to intern for 2 days and learn how to dress candles myself from an expert! Yay! Also, related, the last 4 magick classes before I leave are all about the Tree of Life and the Quabbalah - this is something I have long wanted to study and each week has been so exciting!

Dean and I may go to the Disinfo.com workshop thing in NY! A chance to really have a discourse with some of my heros like Grant Morrison. Not sure if this will happen, but it's exciting as a possibility!

I am excited about Santa Cruz, and how I plan to shape my new life there, my day to day life: I want to walk as much as possible and do some yoga or martial arts/chi-gong/tai-chi (sp?)I want to eat healthier possibly meat-free, at least cut down on crappy foods. I am already in the process of quitting smoking. I want to be in nature more, this will be easy in Santa Cruz! I want to write letters to our lawmakers about issues every day, at least through election time. I am sick of this shit and want action to be part of my daily plan! I want to get back into daily meditation, even if it's only for a few minutes. I want to have time to actually read more! And write daily - I've got some backburner projects to get me back into the swing of things until I hit my creative gold. I want to make my crop circle paintings, finally. I want to practice my instraments. I want to learn japanese, even if I have to take a class, or study at home from books. I want to listen to coast to coast on my new radio! I want to stargaze. I want to learn how to play video games. Come to think of it, I don't think I ever got to be a kid enough as a kid. I want to walk downtown at night all dressed up, just to sit and have a coffee and be outdoors. I want to visit the sea elephants often enough to know their physique and give them pet names. I want to drive to the beach on weekends.

And love - I will be with my true love! I want to love love love love! Every day! Not just every other weekend! I will have someone to pour my love upon! Someone so worthy of love!

The only drag is looking for a job again. But this is something that after a week of actual rest I will be able to tackle with great verve, and I am sure that something will turn up. Perhaps some kind of a job I never expected! The new job will be part of the collection of experiences that is my life, whatever it is - how exciting that I have an opportunity to try something new! I am really going to try to be as true to myself as possible in this job search, try not to get an office job, or at least get a job someplace I really want to be, hold out for the right thing this time, and get a job at a coffeeshop or something fun in the meantime if that's what it takes. I promise myself I won't get stuck in anything I dislike! I'm too old for that shit! I have skills! Talent! Creativity! I will find something tolerable!

I really will miss my girls. I know this move is worth it. But it is hard to be the first one to leave. Things wouldn't be the same if I stayed, anyway, because of how things have fallen between us at the end of this year of living together - but still, it's just sad when something you were so thrilled about (living with my girls) didn't turn out as well as you planned. C'est la vie. It has still been great. I know the girls better now than would otherwise be possible, and that's a good thing.

Anyway, it's late late late, I must go home!