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2000-06-14 - 18:28:26 Talked to Jim again today - he was much more open. I found out the nature of his hesitation for coming here . . . it turns out that its Larissa, the same heartbreak he always feels -(I can't believe how egotistical I was - I actually considered that he was hesitant because of feelings for me. That just goes to show me my reflex is to put myself as the star of my own movie) He really wants a relationship with Larissa but knows that that's impossible and never going to happen - and when she comes to visit him in Gulf shores he says things are different because there's no past there, and there's nothing to do there (but drink and fuck) so they get along magically - and when he comes to Atlanta he's on her turf and entering her life and there are other people involved and they end up fighting and he told me he just doesn't want to fight - that he was hesitant about coming because he is just so tired of fightingBut he's coming after all, and staying the week - and I am looking forward to it - my life is never happier than when Larissa and Jim and Ryan are in my life and staying in my home - and I am so excited about my birthday. Jim asked me what I wanted for my birthday - what kind of a trick question is that? I could answer so many ways - I could answer about what kinds of material things I want to own, but that's so impersonal - I could answer about my heart's desire - but I'm not sure what that is and that's too personal- so I told him the truth which is that what I most want is to go out camping with my friends to the hot springs to do mushrooms and be happy. yay. previous /next |
