2000-06-13 - 18:51:03

She has made up her mind that without a doubt we are leaving her in September- she isn't going to stick around for Jim, she is going to head with me to California for sure. We decided to leave as of September 2 for sure - because Sept 2 is the anniversary of the day that me and Jim and Larissa left for Canada. It is meant to be . . .

We've been talking alot lately about destiny - What is the difference between having a dream and a vision and something that is destined to be . . . some conclusions that I'm coming to is that you can change your destiny, but if you go with your own flow and give into it then your destiny will work out for you - that to have a dream is to dream but to have a vision is when you wake up and you know something deeply, the difference is only in how strongly you feel about it - and even a vision doesn't have to come true.

I had a dream about Jim, a vision of sorts, and in it he had a little child with another woman, and he loved it and was so thrilled about it - but then he dies when its only a young one - And in my vision I take that child under my wing and show it love and give it and its mom everything I can and I make sure the child knows how wonderful his father was and how much his father was loved and how much he was loved -

And in a separate vision i dreamed of Jim's death in a car crash - And the strangest thing about it is that I was talking to Billy about my vision and before I even spoke of it Billy told me he had dreamed Jim would die young, too - in a car wreck -- And Larissa had the same dream, only her vision she had 2 paths in front of her - one in which she stays with Jim and devotes herself to him, and the end of that is that she's in the car with Jim and she dies too soon - and if she doesn't stay with Jim then he still dies, but she's not in the car . . . Very spooky. But who can say that that is Jim's destiny? Maybe he'll wake up that morning and feel the energy and get a premonition - and he won't get in the car - Larissa and I made a pact not to tell Jim what we feared because if we tell him, we feel like it's more likely to come true - he will feel that it is his fate and he will either play into it on purpose, or he will watch out for it too much - but if he doesn't know there's a chance that he will change and then so will his destiny . . .

As for my destiny . . . I do feel that we were all meant to know each other - I do feel that Larissa and me were meant to know each other, when we became friends and decided to move in together we barely knew each other and had nothing in common, but somehow I knew it was right. And the same with Jim, when we met I felt something - and I was quick to trust him and to fall into love, because it felt meant to be, and Ryan feels so familiar to me underneath - And me and Larissa and Leslie and Jim and Ryan have such diverse backgrounds, I'm from Canada, Leslie from Tennessee, Larissa born in Wisconsin, Ryan born in Ft Worth - but we all made it together . . . I feel called to do great things with them and I know that whatever the future brings, at the very least I know I won't lose touch with them.

So the biggest change in my mind in my plans is that Larissa invited me to live with her in California at the end of our trip. - Not for good of course because I need to strike out on my own and the mountains are calling me - But she invited me to stay with her in the fall from October until December - and that is one of the final curtains removed from our friendship - I guess somewhere deep inside I let myself believe that I cared more for her than she did for me and that I was her close friend, but I didn't see that she wanted me as a continuing part of her daily life - and now I see that I mean as much to her and that she isn't on guard about me in her life anymore - and I don't want her to be because I'm not on guard with her anymore either - I really want things to work out for her and the blackness of my heart is getting smaller and weaker - it really takes that kind of unconditional love to really free oneself, and I am recieveing that from Larissa and from Jim and I am learning to love myself that much too-and the more I love myself, the more I am able to let the love flow towards other people too . . .

She knows how I am feeling about Ryan . . . and I am really trying to get over it because I feel so girlish to feel this way about someone, it seems so silly to daydream and miss him the way I do . . . I don't talk about it but Larissa let me know that she could see how I felt and that if it came up it was okay to talk openly with her about it. I won't in general of course, really there's no point, but when we were talking about how we saw Ryan in our futures it was good to know that we can be honest and real with each other.