2000-07-03 - 18:08:44

Larissa is very thoughtfull and she keeps checking on me - she keeps touching base with me to make sure I'm okay. I know she is concerned that with Jim and her together that I'm going to feel left out or jealous or get my feelings hurt. But Jim has been so thoughtful and caring towards me -I really feel fine.

I did get into a short funk yesterday, but it wasn't really about Jim at all- I guess seeing them together does give me a twinge of longing for that kind of appreciation and attention - but it is not Jim that I want/need that from. The more I see this in myself - the closer I come to resolving this and learning not to need/want it.

But I am really feeling so good living with Larissa and Jim - we swim and hang out and smoke cigarettes all the time - I am so glad he came to live with us and I know this summer is going to be one I remember forever.

I am also really looking forward to Colorado - I leave in only 2 months. Getting through the work day has gotten easier and easier because I have it in my mind that I'm going - I have ample material to daydream about.

I talked to my mom the other night - I was so afraid of telling her that I wanted to leave, that I didn't know why and that I wanted to start over from scratch on a whim - and even more positive I had to hide the fact from her that I wasn't even as interested in the idea of going to school anymore - that I wanted to go to Boulder and I just wanted to live, just wanted to start over on my own for no reason, just to be someplace new where I don't have any expectations and I don't know anyone and I can make myself as lonely and as miserable as I want to - where I can spend every night playing guitar or reading books and hiking and sitting alone in coffee shops - But to my great surprise Mom actually suggested that I move, that I move to Colorado, that I move in September, and that I put off the idea of school - I couldn't believe it - Now when I call her back in a couple of weeks and tell her what I really want to do, tell her about my trip and my move it will seem like it was partly her idea and she's all for it. I think I worried about telling my mom about this more than anything -because I love her and I didn't want to have to defend myself or my decision making process - I didn't want to make her feel left out in my life either.

So now I really feel free and ready to go - I am going to enjoy myself as much as possible the next couple of months - and then I really am going to go.

And i know when I go it will not be for long - because I really don't think I would want to live without Larissa or Jim being close in my life for very long - I would really feel lonely and my life would seem pointless if I didn't think I would be hooking up again with them at some point in the future - I really do picture myself living in the same city with Larissa, wherever that is, at some point in the recent future - but for now - and for the next year or two I am going to be on my own and I am so looking forward to that. I no longer care if I'm wierd or if I don't make friends or if I become a hermit or if I don't have a lover - because I know that I have friends who will always always be glad to see me when I'm ready to come back to town. And lovers are less important to me now - I'm just not ready to put any effort into relating with anyone else, it would take a spectacular person to draw me into their world.

Jim said the most wonderful thing to me the other night -he told me that he was hoping I would find someone really wonderful to love and to love me - and that he thought back on our time together and the way he treated me and said that he wouldn't let anyone I dated treat me like that again - he said that he wanted to meet anyone I decided I was going to get with because he wanted to know that this guy was going to treat me as special as I deserved - It was so touching to hear him say that to me - and I do think that anyone I get with will have to get along well with Larissa and Jim and Ryan because they are closest to my heart - and I am going to be spending all my holidays and all my life with them - so whoever the mr future is for me (if there's anybody at all, and I'm not convinced of that - I think i will survive just fine remaining completely man-free the rest of my life) he has got to fit in --

I gotta get back to work now, but I've got Boulder on my mind . . .