Past . . . . Present . . . . Email . . . .Notes . . . .Profile
|
2000-08-15 - 05:13:04 I asked my mom on the phone yesterday where she thought people went when they died. She said that she thinks that each person goes to a "heaven" of their own creation. She says that every beautiful thought you have, every possible happiness and every beautiful creation of your dreams is saved up so that after you die, all of this becomes the place where you go. She says that you definitely have a body there, but it's a body that can't be hurt and can't hinder us from doing anything we want to do. And that people who have passed away before you can join you in this place, if you both dream of it together. I was totally fascinated by this description of the afterlife, because it sounds to me like she's saying that your afterlife is the undiscovered country imagined by you in your dreams, and that the body you have is like your dreamself - physical but capable of transformation. I don't know what I believe or if I believe in reincarnation or not - but I dig the idea that each of us may one day exist in our dreamland as our dreamselves, so to speak.Jim is back from his film shoot - looking tan and full of ambition. He has been kind to me and even let me put pipe-cleaners in his hair today. It is easy for me to see how easily I fell in love with him once. Larissa and I have been talking constantly of leaving lately. I get so excited and happy when I think about all the places we will visit and the conversations we will have -- I am anticipating our drive to California like a kid waits for Christmas! It looks like the route we will be driving will take us out of Atlanta first north to St Louis to see her sister, then south to Dallas to see my cousins Carolynn and Paul Wayne, then we're going to head through Abilene, then down to Austin and San Antone, back through the desert of West Texas and out to Carlsbad New Mexico. Then we're going to hit Truth or Consequences New Mexico and out west through Arizona, making sure to go to the grand canyon, before ending up in Santa Barbara California. In Santa Barbara we'll get her settled in her place and hook up with Ryan - then we'll head out again a few days later to travel back through Utah and to my final destination of Boulder Colorado! Larissa and Ryan are going to help me settle in, and then they're going to go back to California. I am comforted by the fact they're going to drive me back out to Boulder, and I just can't wait to be on the road with Larissa! ~There is nothing like the feeling of driving fast the sun on your arm as it rests in the windowsill your best friend beside you singing to the radio your eyes shaded by sunglasses with your guitar in the backseat and your destiny stretching straight ahead under the wheels~ The other side of that coin is the understanding of how much Larissa means to me and how I will miss her feverishly. I don't know how I'm going to live without talking things out with her every day -- I am afraid I won't grow as a person because I won't have her to draw me into the kinds of conversations that become revelations - the kinds of conversations that bring tears and truth - the kinds of conversations I only have with her. Email won't be enough, and I won't have a computer in my home. My parents aren't so sure I should go - they think I'm setting myself up for problems and challenges and they think I keep making my life harder on myself than it has to be and they're right - By leaving everything behind, going to colorado poor and alone in wintertime I will be challenging myself to the ultimate stretches of myself - But in life I want to keep challenging myself - I want to keep growing deeper and stronger. I know I set myself up for problems and I never take the easy way -- I do this because I think that every year I am capable of handling greater challenges and stress in my life and I want to push my own envelope and see what I am capable of handling. I don't want to be afraid of anything. And after all the pain and heartache I have been through this year, I now know that only Larissa Jim and Ryan could possibly hurt me. Anything anyone else could ever think about me or say to me or do to me as a friend or as a lover could not possibly compare with what I went through -- so I feel stronger and less needy of others. And now that I've been through relationship hell and come out in one piece, I feel able to take on life - Nothing life could lay in my road could ever hurt as much -- From now on my struggles in life are matters of endurance and lessons learned. My real concern for myself in the future is that without the constant pain and love of Jim/Ryan/Larissa around, when I am alone and unhurt, that I will become disconnected from my feelings/ that I will forget all the self-discovery that I have learned this year about feeling my feelings -- My new years resolution this year was to learn to truly weep and laugh -- and this resolution still stands. I have a feeling that its going to be 10 times harder to weep and laugh without Larissa in my life. previous /next |
