2000-08-24 - 16:10:16

"dear H,

it sucked that i got your email today because yesterday jim called again after shopping and we just kind of had it out. and i told him i was sad andeverything i told you about my dreams and how far our relationship was from what i thought and how i thought he had a drinking problem.... basically all the stuff you guys talked about. so i feel bad for him having to hear it twice in one day, because i didn't get your email until after jim and i talked. but it was good in a way because i really feel cleansed having aired out all my anger in a way that was just talking about it, and he told me about some of the sadnesses he had about our relationship so it gives me hope in a way that perhaps someday me and jim could work together. maybe not, and definitely not right now. but i feel cleared and like i am ready to just TALK about all my fears for the future and my plans and basically be a real person with a real friendship with him again and not stuck in some wierd role. i don't know if that will come back when i return to atl but i have hope that it won't. so our talk was really really harsh, i told him everything i was frustrated with, except my problem with his jealousy because he had to leave for work. but when he comes next week then i think we'll talk out the rest of it and be prepared to enjoy the last weeks we have together.

i have this real problem of always second-guessing everythingand i think my negative attitues can bring stuff down faster than it might otherwise happen. after all, being joyful really is the only true calling in life. it's just so easy for me to be sad, sometimes it's really hard for me to let go and just BE happy. my dad told me something cool that i think he meant in a different way but i think it applies to me here, and my attitues towards the present. i am always thinking in terms of the future, as in, where is this leading, or what will this become, that i miss out on alot ofthe experiance. my dad says, happiness isn't doing what you like, it's liking what you do. i think he means this as in get a job, but i think of it in different terms. things aren't always going to be exactly rose-crystal the way i want them but it doesn't mean i can't be happy. happy isn't the same as ecstatic, and i think i only live life in terms of ecstatic, despondent, or blah. i want to discover just happy and just sad. it makes me tnk about you learning how to laugh and weep. i think i have the opposite problem- learning to giggle and sigh. i need to seek a more middle ground with my emotions, i just go off the charts out of control sometimes. i'm just thinking out loud now.

really i just miss you, i want to sit up and talk all night about our future selves and our past selves and our dreams and our paths and also just enjoy each other and laugh. i want you to know that your friendship this last year has demanded every ounce of strength from me, and it was totally worth it. but it also GAVE me so much strength and room to grow and nourishment. you are my bread, hillary. if i am spice then you are sustenance. your friendship is the most precious thing to me in my entire life, and i want you to know that as we part ways soon, that it's not the end. it'll NEVER be over. i want to be there when your children are born. i want to weep with you when they grow up. i want to be there when you die and kiss your lips shut. when i say i love you always it means for Life. i have never had that before. and i don't think most people ever do. without you, without meeting you my life would never have been the same. i watched this really bad movie twice today (i'm getting really desperate for things to do) called practical magic. there are two magickal sisters and as they grow up one is wild and leaves home, one stays. and through their lives at crucial moments they clasp hands and cut their palms and say "my blood, your lood, our blood." at the end the one sister is possessed and the other one cuts their palms and claps them together and in that moment all the scenes from their lives that they have been there for each other flash through their minds. when i watched it i cried. both times. i love you so much. i think about all the times you have been there for me, not just the first but with the second attention, the second sight.... they all flash through my mind. the time you left the senior table because they were mean to me and told them off. the time we got our house on avery street. the first tequila shot we did together, off my computer.... the day outside midspring when we made up and we meant to fight but all i could do was cry.... the night we tripped together and i "tripped" with you to cananda.... clasping pinkies over the chest of a lover you shared with me with so much grace and generosity.... when i saw you in vancouver the first time in your big fur hat... riding in the u-haul to clapton's "cocaine" to our new apartment.... all the times after all the fights i was gasping and beaten down.... and the night i really was and you carries me to my car to find Ry... coming back from my family reunion and realising YOU are my true family... seeing you after dominican republic and crying on international blvd about all the love i can't ever stop in my heart no matter how hard i try- for both of them.... for Sensitive jim and the beach Ry of your dream poems... for two witchy faeries too strange for the world.... for the white dress you gave me and its tatters wherever it is... for seeing you in the hospital and you coming in the morning to rescue me from the morphine-night from hell and staying with me all day.... for the times you went without and the times you didn't... for your wishes and your curses that came true......

i love you hillary. i DO see everything you do. i see when you buy my favourite cheese with your money even though you hate it, i see when you smoke winstons so i can have my favourite kind of cigarettes, i see the pain in your heart you never mention, i see the darkness in your eyes that you don't beleive in, i see you in the doorway when jim closes it at night, i see you striving so hard to learn your guitar, i see you with your notebooks, i see you curled in the corner of the couch looking out the window when i wake up hungover........ I SEE YOU!!!! i love you!!!! please always remember and never forget and take it with you everywhere you go....

good night the only sister of my soul...i love you always,all ways.~*~La~*~"