2000-09-05 - 01:08:15

My dilemma of whether I should leave or go has not really been about all the day to day implications of this job or that job or the logistics of leaving, so much as I feel that any change I make in my life has to feel to me like it is the mythic golden brick road to a new existence, to the me I long to be. So once I found out for sure Larissa was leaving October 1 for California I had to make up my mind whether to go then to Colorado, or wait and go later. I know in my heart that I need to be somewhere else besides Atlanta ultimately, that this city is not beautiful and does not inspire passion or devotion in me -- but I have not wanted to leave for some reason, and I haven't really found the proper justification for why I want to stay (rational reasons that would make sense to everyone else are just not good enough for me) and so I was torn up about this. And eventually I decided to stay, at least until January.

And I've been sad, really sad lately because I've been really afraid of Larissa's leaving because of the absence of the myth in my life. What she brings to me is this sense that the life I'm leading has greater meaning because there is someone else out there who believs in my abilities and who has seen the little seedling I used to be and how much I've grown now-- and because she and I used to write such passionate letters to each other about our "spark" and enlightenment and spirituality and our own mythos of each other and our lovers. We've been through alot of drama together and all of that has been difficult, but also it has been the proof of our passion for life and of our meaning to each other and has spurred feeling and desire and joy in each of us that wasn't there before. And so I've been sad because without her around, my life has seemed very pointless, mundane. Even when I have met half-way interesting people who write poetry and go out for drinks I have had no interest in pursueing frienships with them or learning from them - I have been bored by life. I am so bored all the time by so much in my life - pretty much every person with the exception of a handful of people (Larissa, Leslie, David & Pauly, Billy, sometimes Jim) bore me to tears. And boredom makes me dull and sad in my soul.

And I know why she is leaving. Whatever the reason she thinks it may be, the reason I think she is leaving is the same reason I want to leave -- because we're two of the most loving, brilliant,sexy, fascinating, electric, mythic people in the world -- and life here is just dulling us down, whitewashing us over -- and she nees stimulation.

And I think it's good that we're going to be separated, because even together we can be bored in this life (allthough we are much happier together) and really we are going to be much happier and better friends if we are separated and stirring our own lives and meeting up at intervals to share our new discoveries, rather than walking the same path and learning all the same things -- so I think its good we're apart.

But my whole deal lately is that I've been so sad I just felt like sinking. And I've been reading this book, Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. Ok, I hate Ayn Rand and her view of the world, but I can't help that I love her as a fiction writer -- because the characters in this book are showing me something valuable about myself -- Each one has a destiny and a path and they pursue it relentlessly, they each have a purpose and a design and more than anything - each one of the main characters has no shame in being totally themselves, has no shame in believing in their own mythic life, has no shame in feeling pulled by a destiny. The coolest thing about these characters is that all of them had a time in their lives when they were working mundane jobs and doing the status quo thing -- while keeping a greater purpose in mind. And that's how I feel I am, I guess this is my justification for staying because I really believe that I have a greater purpose I am working towards (being a poet/lyracist/writer, also being ME) And reading this, while Larissa's leaving, is helping me to see that I can believe in myself, I can make my own myth, I don't have to feel guilty when I realize I am bored by other people-- there's nothing wrong with me these people are boring to me because they are boring me and maybe there's only a few people I can really click with and feel understood by and be excited to know and that's okay - It doesn't make me a snob it makes me self-involved. And that doesn't make me heartless, because I can be the most loving and compassionate person when there is someone I love and I pour it on them -- but it means that I may be lonely in this life and I may not have alot of friends and I may be percieved as conceited -- And I may very well make my own myth come true for me.

I saw these children and their parents playing in the park today, they looked really happy, but a thought crossed my mind -- and this thought may not be true for everyone-- but I think that alot of people have children deep down because children are joyful and they want to have that constant joy and delight in their lives, because children can be absurd and charming and bring a sense of joy, and also I think people have children because children give your life a sense of purpose, even if you do nothing else in the world you have done a great thing by being a mother and helping this miniature thing to grow up happy -- But I also think that's a cop-out for life. If I ever do have a kid, it will be only because I overflow with unconditional love.

I don't ever want to have a kid because I'm the right age to do so or because I find something lacking in my life that i think a child can bring -- I want to bring all of those things to my own life. I want to learn how to be joyful and see the world through innocent, delighted child-eyes myself, without the aid of someone else. I want to have a sense of purpose and I want to see that purpose carried out -- even if that purpose is only to become a wise compassionate fascinating talented Hillary.

And so I was bummed because somebody stole all of my cds out of my car this week. Now I have no music of my own to listen to. But I was in the car today, listening to the radio and smoking a cigarette and I realized -- its not that I'm really lacking in music, its that

now is the time to start a new soundtrack for my life