2000-11-03 - 01:40:12

The reason is because I'm basing my judgement of a man based on the look in his eye - the way he looks at me when he is unclothed physically and metaphysically - the look that is unique to him that says I see you and that is so pure and vulnerable. Its different with every lover, what they look like in that moment of deepest intimacy, but to see that look is to have x-ray vision into their heart, a precious look seen by very few in their whole lifetime. And in that look I see the beauty of their purest self and I believe I see them seeing me too, and the look is full of tenderness. This is the instant I fall in love.

I talked to my dad and dad says that when I see these things in people, when I think that they are generous and kind and loving and caring, the reason I get hurt is because these people actually aren't -- I'm seeing in them a reflection of myself. I see these warm qualities about people that aren't really there, because they aren't truths about the inner nature of the other person that I'm seeing, they're truths about me. I see compassion because I am compassionate. I see caring because I am caring. I see tenderness because I give tenderness. My dad thinks I'm really special, and he gets sad when I am rejected.

So its obvious by now that things didn't work out with Frank. I was falling so hard for him and the sex was great and the conversation was wonderful and then things just went insane. On Friday he tells me he broke up with his girlfriend in Conneticut (i'm thinking yay!)and he has a big show that night in Birmingham with his band. His mom kicks him out of the house the same day. So Frank asks me to come with him to Birmingham for his show and be a part of it, and he asks me if he can move in with me temporarily. I know this is moving way too fast with someone I've only been sleeping with 2 weeks, but I'm so falling for him that I'm happy. And he of course tells me he's in love with me and life is good.

So we go to the show and its cool and then Saturday he takes me back to work and I come home to find that he's gone out grocery shopping in my absence -- he has not only stocked the freezer and the shelves with food but he's bought me appliances for my kitchen!! And he brought over a tv and vcr to my house for us to snuggle and watch movies with and I am so blown away happy.

That night we went to a Halloween party at Leslie and Chrissy's, and things go well until he finally acts all flaky and dramatically leaves the party. I can't figure him out so I go out there to check on him and he won't talk to me but I understand from what he did say that he wants to go home to sleep. I'm not good to drive so he needs to ask his sister, but he's being a crybaby. So I tell him kindly that we'll find him a ride home and a place to sleep, but I ask him to talk to me like a real person and not be all sullen, because I can't take care of him like this, I don't want to start things off with us in some kind of weird dynamic. We get home to my place and we talk about it and he was very straight with me and said he didn't have any answers for me but he wanted to be straight and honest with me and that any other girl he might have "tapped 6 ways to sunday" and left without a thought but that he really felt he could talk to me and wanted us to have a real friendship, and if he acted flaky like that again he didn't expect me to take care of him, he was independent.

So Sunday I expected everything to go so well, but instead he left in the afternoon and said he needed to talk to his mom and patch things up with her, which I understood. He had promised he would help Leslie move into Chrissy's place and he had offered his van to help. So he left to go talk to his mom and I expected him back in a couple of hours. At midnight I finally called over to his house and he had fallen asleep. He offered no apology then but said he'd be right over. At 3 am I called Leslie and told her to go to sleep, me and Frank couldn't help her. At 5 am Frank finally called and said he'd fallen asleep again so sorry and he was coming over. So I was not happy that he'd blown me off that day but at least he was sorry and I can forgive things once, right?

Monday he says his girlfriend took back her harsh words and made peace with him. But I knew he had a girlfriend from the beginning so that doesn't bother me. We went to Yun's house and got stoned and then helped Leslie move and we had a great time, I had another few cocktails and I felt wonderful and things between me and Frank had been fun all day. We made plans to hang out that evening, but after we returned to my place he said he had to go. He was real vague and just said he had stuff to take care of at his house and he felt tired. I asked him to keep me company for 10 more minutes and he said no -- that he didn't want to stay 10 minutes more he wanted to go -- and so he left. Which is fine because he has no obligation to me and I don't want to hang around with someone who doesn't want to hang out with me . . .

Meanwhile, ALL his belongings are still at my house. Toothbrush. Deoderant. 3 prs of Shoes. Pants. Shirts. Candy. Stuff. All at my house. Like, you know, as if he lived there.

Tuesday is HALLOWEEN. He doesn't call. I call his house, no answer. I finally went out at 11 pm with Morgan and hit the gay bars in town (nothing like strong cocktails and gay men in costumes to lift your spirits! we had a fabulous time). I get home and there's no message on my machine.

It was then that I first realized that I was good enough of a friend for Frank to fuck me. And good enough of a friend for Frank to move into my apartment when he needed me. But not good enough to even invite me out with him on Halloween? Or even let me know what his plans were?

Wednesday I found him on AIM and he told me about what a great time he'd had out at a club on Halloween and I was still friendly, and told him about the good time I had, but then I added "But I was a bit dissappointed that you didn't want to hang out with me. Why didn't you want to hang out with me Frank?" And he said that Halloween was sacrosanct to him. Yeah. Sooo sacred that he went to a club? Sooo sacred that he couldn't hang out with his lover? Or even call me and let me know his plans and be like - Hey, I have made other plans for Halloween, but how about we get together this weekend? -- or anything just to be nice. But he wasn't thinking about me at all. So I keep talking to him for like 2 more minutes on AIM but he doesn't really talk to me, he signed out way quick.

Fine, I think to myself I really really dug this man, I really could have fallen for him, but it doesn't look like that was meant to be. And I decided I'm not gonna pursue him. But like an idiot I called him last night anyway, and he was sooooo friendly and thoughtful over the phone, he wanted to see me right away. He had made plans to hang out with another friend already but said he would be at my house afterwards, very late, and was very detailed about making plans with me. Then guess what happens? No show. No call. I wait all night with perfume on and cry myself to sleep.

Today he was on Aim and I asked him about it and the conversation went like this:

Frank: cleopatra records just asked for my demo

hillary: wow, that is fantastic!!

hillary: Did they call you up

Frank: sent me an e mail

hillary: CONGRATULATIONS!!!

hillary: you going to celebrate?

Frank: thanks... imma go to the club tonight and get DRUNK

hillary: enjoy yourself

Frank: im hitching a ride or else i would pick you up but if you can get there i would love to see you

hillary: thanks i would love to see you too

hillary: but no ride

hillary: what happened to you last night? I thought you were coming over after the club, but maybe we miscommunicated

Frank: me and michele ended up staying here and watching old dragnet reruns

hillary: cool

hillary: i have to say though that allthough I dig your company, i really don't feel like making plans with you again, you don't phone me when you're not coming and my feelings get hurt

hillary: do you understand?

Frank: im sorry i didnt mean to. i thought you said .."if youre not here after 11:30 i'll stop waiting"

Frank: i dont wanna hurt you ... thats the last thing i wanna do

hillary: oh, i guess we miscommunicated then -- I did say that but i was referring to the club

hillary: i thought you were still coming after

hillary: well that makes me feel some better

Frank: i prolly would have if i were driving

hillary: sooo pretend I'm an unhappy customer thinking of cancelling, what will you do to make it up to me?

hillary: tee hee

Frank: heh offer you a free sports car?

Frank: i think i should nap till my sister gets here.

Frank: talk to you in a bit

Frank signed off at 8:58:54 PM.

So there he is, sending me mixed signals, hot and cold -- he seemed very sweet but then again he got off so quick. And I'm tired of having my feelings hurt about him. I saw the spark in him,and that's one thing that made me so excited about him -- but I realized that different people have different sparks and that his spark is intellectual englightenment but he's not exploring so much of himself. And I really think things could have been wonderful between us, but he doesn't even know what he's missing. He thinks he's seeing me, but he doesn't really see at all.

And really I know that I'm just falling in love with his potential, with the spark I see in him and with his ambition in life because he does have vision and he does have his act somewhat together. But really I can't have feelings for someone who treats me so nonchalantly, and I wouldn't want to be with that kind of person, and I wouldn't want to be with someone halfway. I want it all. I want someone to totally be into me and I am worth that. And allthough the sex was fantastic I know I'm better off completely celibate than going through all this rejection every year. But at least I'm handling it better than I did before.

This Hermit card keeps following me around in the tarot deck. It sux.

In other news, Larissa landed a fabulous job, allthough low-paying, as a receptionist for the office of 2 women recording agents in California - this is her "in" with the music industry that she always wanted. She found an apartment and her and Jim are moving in tonight! She sounds really happy, well except for the little matter of Ryan, but aside from that all is well in California. And I long to join her and Jim there.

For the couple nights that Frank was at my house I found myself remembering what it was like to be in love with Jim and live in our little studio apartment and how much fun we had together -- and being with Frank was like that only nothing can compare to the charm of memories of your first, innocent blind love. And also Jim is just by nature much more of a sweetheart, so terribly cute when he wants to be and so adoring when he's in love with you.