2000-10-23 - 23:43:10

My new years comes in less than 2 weeks - Halloween -- and my life couldn't ve more different than it ws last year at this time or last month for that matter.

La and Jim have gone to seek their fortunes in LA. Jim is sleeping in his car every night because he an't find an aparment - young, broke, and jobless, noone will take him in. But he is still in film school and I amso very proud of him. La and I drove cross country so that she could move and join her beloved Ry -- but the boy at the other end of the tripisn't Ry anymore -- he is a weak shadow of the lover I remembered. Me and La have frown very much hits year and he has retreated into the land of cute girls and exceuses. He made life miserable for La and was not prepared for her, and so she ws devestated -- At least she has Jim out there.

Without them I am very intensely lonely at times, crying when I hear a song or come across momentos of what was once our joined life. La wants me to join her out ther very much. She is miserable and I want to give up everything ( I have little) and join her. Heaving La in my life is so wonderfu,, I know life would be difficult at first but she is family, she is home, and I want to run to her and Jim, my family. SHe tells me Jim misses me too - he thinks of me as family. The allureof them to me is like the ache of your arms for an embrace. My only hesitation is the excitement ofsomething (someone) so totally new in my life. Frank XXXVIII.

I expected nothing of him and i thought I was lonely and bitter and I have been given hope against all hope in humanity again -- Because I have met someone , one of the mythical race of like minds I did not believe existed in the world -- an intellectual, a rock star, an educated man and a society drop-out -- a beautiful beautiful sexy hard lover, a friend who likes corned beef hash and to tells me he is in love with me and to whom I am completely new -- my expressions , my music, my conversation is all fresh to him and we can discuss in no uncertain term the human dilemma, our existential crisis, and our larger than life views of ourselves in this world and the absurdity of everything and the depths of feeling and loneliness. This is what we talk about and I am falling falling falling in love again. I am so thrilled that I am happy and I feel so good and I am never bored by him and excited to see him every time.

And I am strangely wary oft he months to come because I know that this cannot last -- that my feelings will fo on long long after Frank moves away and then I will be lonely again, thinking of him loving another woman in Conneticut when I want to start something new again for the first time in years. Just at the time I am free of heartache and baggage and have room to stretch out and enjoy him and love . . . It was bad timeing from the start and he doesn't have much room in his life to try love out with me. Its too bed because it might have been great --

The way he looks at me when he's inside me and we stare at each other face to face and I don't shy my eyes or look away -- but we are together in this intense intimacy of body and he looks at me and his eyes show me that he is thinking of this moement and of how I alook at him and his eyes are just a little soft at the edges and his face is so warm and steady. I can feel him opening to love me . . . It feels so good I never want to trun away or get our of bed.

I asked Billy for advice, and he tole me not to go to LA. HE said it was like knowing a woman who was once a happy girlfirend who had left her man and found a job and was just gaining a self-sufficiency moving bcack in with her man because the life was more comfortable. He told me to chill out and live her, alone. He never gives advice, he told me he wouldn't have said anything unless he felt strongly. People outside of "my family" think I am obsessed with my friends. . . .

I told this to La and she said that this is a cold ugly world and that she is only just now seeing for what it really is . . .cold and lonely and ugly and that people say those things to us because they don't understand the level of friendship we have -- that she would rather be obsessed with her friends than all the other things these mortals seem to be so obsessed with like money or beautiful things or power. I heard her feel the distance between su in that moment as she realized I just couldn't drop it all and rush to LA this week . . she could hear my happiness with Frank which seems so very far away from where she is now . . .

And I remember VIVIDLY what it was like to be where she is -- rejected and wounded and burnt to ashes trying to find meaning in each day just to hold onto a little faith in myself trying to rebuild my house without even a hammer to strike out with -- rejection, dissappointment, loss of meaning -- How can she believe in love from where she is?

And how can I continue to believe in love? That's a real miracle. I hope I can enjoy this sparkle in my eye and flame in my belly and tender ache in my heart for each moment in atnicipation of Frank and with him in my gaze, because I know that there is an underbelly to everything, a balance, a yin/yang . . . and when Frank goes away the emptiness will be nearer than it was before because I have disbelieved in it for a few days and have believed in this feeling instead. And I will have to remind myself sternly that this feelnig is possible again . . .

I do think it is a miracle that I could love someone else after Jim and Ry which is something I never thought I could do . . . and I wonder how things will turn out. I talked to La again today and she isn't sure she and Jim will be moving in together after all and so there won't be another bedroom for me in LA, she's not sure where she will be. I am certain I want to live with La again, and soon, but I don't know where or when that will be. And in the meantime I am trying to live my life in the here and now even though a part of me is still in California . . .

I have written a short story this weekend, the first in years and I am so proud of myself and I feel so good, I know now that I CAN do it, and if I could do it here in Atlanta then I know I could do it anywhere . . .