2001-01-16 - 09:43:33

I�ve never been a fan of Elvis. He never wrote any of his music. He married a teenager. He was redneck at heart. I couldn�t understand why he was �The King.� Then I saw him today and i got it. I got IT. I got ELVIS. He was putting himself out there, outputting energy like crazy - kissing the girls in the front row, laughing with every spark in his face, singing with every muscle in his body, sweating as if the songs were coming from his skin. I mean his voice is bluesy and thick and honey dipped, he�s got a good voice, yes. But it wasn�t his voice that made him so terrific, it was HIM.

There was one family sitting at a table close to the stage ( the concert was at the International Hotel in Las Vegas) and there were a couple of women in their 30s or 40s and they were wild about him and he kissed them and then one of the woman raised her little child up to him and he kissed the little girl on the cheek and the whole audience went awww and then a teenager ran up to him CRYING and saying how much she loved him and she was just SHAKING. Then he turned and the grey haired grandma turned for her turn with him and she kissed him straight on the lips and it was just fantastic. He really puts out so much energy - He is a PHENOMENON.

Meanwhile I�ve been reading a book The Elegant Universe by Brian Greene about Quantum physics and General Relativity and the mythic Theory of Everything which may be found in Superstring Theory. I�ve never considered myself very interested in science but once I started reading this book I became enraptured - the idea that there are little strings which wiggle and put out energy in such a way that they can explain everything from gravity to the coexistence of space and time -why, what a PHENOMENON!

The other day Yun was at my house. Yun is a a woman who was born in China and grew up in the ghetto. She�s got outrageous style. She was breaking up with her boyfriend the other day and she was talking about the way he had been marginalizing her and she was like - he should be happy to date me, I�m not a woman, I�m a PHENOMENON! And she is too :)

What causes a phenomenon? Can you predict a phenomenon or is it something you can only observe and trace back?- Is there only such thing as a phenomenon when there is someone there to observe it - Is Elvis only Elvis because he�s got women to kiss and someone to witness his outpouring of Energy. Would a Yun in the forest be just as Yun and make the same sounds?

I want to be like the superstring, i want to put out energy and feel magnified and have others see me and think what a pheonmenon.Lately I�ve felt like I have been alone floating in space, I�ve felt not only alone but I�ve lost something in my life. I�ve lost the mythic. I�ve lost the glitter. I�ve lost the phenomenon. And I�m losing the belief that that is even possible for me. I think that I may be meant just to be an ordinary gal and I need to learn to accept that and be happy. I drive myself crazy trying to drive myself unsucessfully. Is this because I�m special, and headed for a great and unique destiny? Do I really have the spark? Or is my ambition simply competitiveness and jealousy of those people who I know who will succeed?

Of course this doesn�t mean I need to give up my quest for enlightenment, for improving myself and reaching towards my own highest potential of learning and experienceing and living life to the fullest - I am completely committed to improving myself and to reaching spiritual understanding of myself and the world around me. But I�m saying that perhaps my belief system in myself that has caused me to drive so hard has also caused me to fail. And perhaps I will never be Elvis or Bob Dylan and maybe I�ll never find my one true love and maybe egg drop soup is just egg drop soup and pillowcases are pillowcases and bowls are bowls and bells are bells and Hillary is just Hillary.