2001-01-21 - 02:25:57

Last night I went to Glitterdome, which is billed as a rock�n�roll drag show. There is nothing that can describe the thrill of being a part of Glitterdome. I was sitting on a little dancer�s stage watching from the side as Pat Briggs came up in his tiny sequined dress and silver eyepatch. He and His wife, a lovely, topless young woman wearing leather pants and silver snowflakes over her breasts, did the first two songs which were Guns and Roses and something else. They were HOT. The guitars were going crazy and I was thinking to myself - This is IT. This is ROCK N ROLL baby. And I HAVE to be a part of it.

Going to glitterdome and hanging out with all the queens makes me really wish sometimes that I was a man just so I could look as FABULOUS as those men do all glittered up like that :)

And it makes me appreciate how I�ve changed over the last couple of years, how hanging out at gay bars and with my friends from there has changed me. I can now appreciate the purpose of fashion -- its about creating this larger than life rock and roll glammed up image of yourself - and then living up to that. I�ve learned from these times that life is about living to the fullest, not getting depressed but partying your blues away, and creating a community of people who accept and support each other, and help make creative dreams come true.

My friends from Tripps ( a gay bar where I was initially introduced to this community) they are not like other people. They really challenge each other artistically and creatively and are never ever afraid of being thought of as silly. They are not afraid to go out in costume, or create alter-egos, or produce drag-queen talk shows for television, or impersonate famous people, or stage outrageous fashion shows, or dj for local clubs, or dance, or bartend, or lip-sync, or meet new people, or move in with your boyfriend, or try a new drug. They are not afraid. They have taught me how to live free of fear.

And another thing - they always tell you how FLAWLESS and FABULOUS and WONDERFUL you look. And when I�m down I like to go see them because they always lift you up. Last night my friend Pheadre actually told me that she thought I was the most beautiful woman she had met in her 4 months living in Atlanta. It just made my day. Its hard to be in a funk when people are flattering you and are so genuine in their approach for friendship.

So after Glitterdome of course I went to Tripps, where Pauly is now bartending -- and it was good to see him and support him. I eventually made it home, blah blah blah, and then at 5:45 in the morning I get a call from Dan saying he wanted to come over - So he comes over at 7:00 am.

And we had sex all day.

Not just any sex. This was the best sex day of my life.

Dan touches me and rubs me and runs his hands over my body and kisses with his toungue ring and looks at me so sincerely and touches me and rubs me and feels me until I am WET. In bed we are completely simpatico in style, he�s touching me the way i like to touch and be touched, as if his body were made for mine. Its really unbelievable.

Friendship wise, me and Dan are very very chill - He and I just hang out and haven�t mentioned word one about our sexual experiences with each other or in our past, we haven�t flirted at all and he doesn�t talk during sex or tell me what is feeling good or if he is attracted to me. But the look on his face or the way he touches me, and the fact that he keeps calling and coming over, suggests he enjoys my company, and that is enough. I am learning for the first time in my life how to keep my mouth shut, how to appreciate non-verbal signals, how to be a friend without sucking verbal confessions out of people like a vacuum cleaner. So this is a good thing.

I woke up this morning while Dan was still in my bed and had had this dream last night: I dreamed that Dan and I were together romantically and we were going on a cross-country road trip. Before we left Atlanta we had met this young woman and her husband and they were leaving on a driving trip as well. Many miles and days later I was sitting with Dan in a resteraunt/cafeteria eating lunch

(an interesting sidenote is that in my dreams any time I am eating in public it is always in the same sort of resteraunt/room where everyone is eating their meals and sitting in a huge room with highschool cafeteria style tables with the built in stools. I guess this comes from eating in such a lunchroom every morning and afternoon for 12 formative years in one�s life while I�m in school - because now whenever I�m dreaming of a non-intimate meal its always in a form of school cafeteria)

so I�m sitting with Dan eating lunch and I get up to go to the bathroom or something and I pass by the table with this woman and her husband. The woman has short blondish hair and she�s a total bitch and she tells me she slept with Dan on the road a few days ago. I am totally angry at hearing this news - so I make a point of slipping her husband my number and doing a big �call me� telephone hand gesture in front of this woman so she knows I could have her husband if I wanted - just to be catty. Then I go back and sit down with Dan. At this point I�m not angry, I�m kind of sympathetic in the sense I go through the scenario in my mind and realize this woman�s a total stranger he just picked up once on the road and she�s no threat to the life we�ve built together and then I start feeling really really hurt and sad - but I don�t talk to Dan about it or tell him I know because . . .

dum da da dum . . . I realize that my MOM is in the road trip with us. I come back to the table and she�s mysteriously appeared and she�s sitting with me and Dan and I don�t want to bring the subject of our sex life up in front of her. So I pull Dan aside and I just tell in one sentence what the woman told me, but we don�t discuss it cause we�re sitting with my mom and then I start to go through the whole thing in my mind again and this time I�m really really hurt and sad. I look over at Dan and he has a sad look on his face too.

And then I woke up.

So my main question about my dreams is WHY THE HELL DOES MY MOM SHOW UP AT THE END OF ALL MY DREAMS LATELY? What aspect of myself does she represent? What is she trying to tell me?

My interpretation of the above dream, except for my mother�s appearance which i just cannot figure out, is that its telling me that I still have shit to work through about the road trip I took to Canada a year and a half ago with Jim and Larissa. While I was dreaming I was feeling all the same feelings and I realized that so far I really haven�t gotten over what happened. I mean, my friends and I have apologized to each other and we�ve totally worked things out and moved on in our lives, plus Jim and Larissa and I have changed and grown up alot and aren�t the same people - so when I think about what happened I really don�t connect it with my friends now at all. But the knowledge that your lover put their dick in another girls mouth, that they found someone else more attractive, that they didn�t want you anymore but didn�t tell you, that they kept a secret from you -- its a long-lasting pain, that I try not to think about and that I never really allowed myself to feel or work through at the time because I was trying to keep the peace in my friendships.

When I think back on it all, there are times that I wish that I hadn�t asked Larissa to come with me on that road trip to Canada. It was that road trip that changed everything forever, that set everything into motion in my mind. It was a wonderful and terrible trip and it is what caused Jim and her to get together at the time that they did. If she hadn�t gone on that trip we all would have been spared alot of pain.

But I am so glad that I am the person I am today, and I wouldn�t be this person if I hadn�t gone through what I did. And I�m so glad Larissa is my best friend and sister and we wouldn�t be this close if we hadn�t gone through what we did. And the book I�m going to write would have never been conceived of without such an intense storyline having happened to me in real life.

So I�m glad. I�m glad it all happened. I�m glad I went to the gay bars. I�m glad I made friends there. I�m glad I learned how to live fully and not be afraid. I�m glad I learned to take chances. I�m glad I took a chance with our road trip. I�m glad I went through it all. I�m glad I have such close friends. I�m glad I went to glitterdome. I�m glad I had sex with Dan. I�m glad I am writing this journal. I�m glad I�m ALIVE.