2040-04-21 - 11:01 a.m.

I had a nightmare night before last. I was dreaming that Larissa had come to visit me and that she was staying in the spare bedroom and we went to sleep and something was coming for me in the night-- this is where it gets jumbled because I kept waking up and going back to the same dream so it played out in several different ways - one of the times I was asleep and I was afraid that someone was going to break in and find me and in my dream I thought that my bed was too exposed, that I should sleep in a locked closet - I had the sense something was coming for me and I would not survive - In another scenario I thought that I would stop breathing and die in my sleep and that I couldn't cry out loud enough for Larissa to hear me in the other room. In retrospect, the dream wasn't that scary - but at the time I woke up terrified that I would die in my sleep and I had to wake my dad up and sleep on the floor of his room the rest of the night so that he could hear me if I something happened to me in the night - so that he could protect me.

I woke up the next morning feeling so lonely for someone to sleep with at night and wondered if this is why people get married. Lately I've realized how much I love having my life all to myself with noone to plan around and I've realized that I don't think I could be with someone for more than a short amount of time because I really love the spontenaity of my life and I don't like how things become relationships and responsibilities and I really just can't imagine being totally involved 24 hours a day with someone for years and years on end. It seems like too much and I'm so happy with my life alone.

But at night, I want to sleep with someone - I remember how it used to feel when I first was with Jim and we slept almost on top of each other - we couldn't get close enough to each other - we wanted as much skin touching as possible and we woke up all sweaty and kissed each other all over our faces to greet each other in the morning. I didn't have a nightmare the entire time we were together.

And so I wonder if that's why people get married - to have someone with them while their sleeping for love and protection and safety - so that someone is there in case they were to cry out in the night.

My father sleeps with what he calls a "hose monster" its a huge machine that pumps air in and out of his lungs because he has a condition called sleep apnea (sp?) which means his breathing is irregular while he's sleeping and its possible he could stop breathing at night. My mother used to sleep next to him and wake him when she heard his breathing pause, or at least listen carefully to ensure his breathing would resume. He's alive today so of course it always did. But I wonder if he sleeps with that hose monstor now for a psychological as well as a physical reason - As reassurance that he won't die in the night - because he has noone to sleep with.