2001-05-03 - 4:35 p.m.

Katie,

I'm sorry its been so long since I've written to you. My dad and I have been busy trying to find a place to live, then packing, then moving, then unpacking - Whew - 3 weeks went by in the blink of an eye before I realized I hadn't written you back.

I'm glad you read my diary!! I write for myself -- but it makes me feel good that you read it because I want to share my life with you and I want you to know me and know what's going with me . . . Unfortunately I'm not as good at letter writing as I am with journal-writing so I apologize for the delay with letters. I'm glad you started a diary too! I find diaryland to be so good for the soul -- not just in terms of letting things out but also to be able to look around and read about other people you might otherwise never know and see that others have similiar feelings . . .

I've been going to therapy for the first time and its really weird. The first couple of sessions were really good and I cried alot and discussed alot and it felt good to get so much off my chest and stuff. But the last session (yesterday) was really uncomfortable. The first two sessions were more introductory sessions where my therapist was getting to know me. Now she's getting down and dirty with me and its yucky mucking around inside all the crap about myself and my past that I didn't want to see. I've been kind of depressed about it because I realize how much I fucked things up with my family and friends in the past and how much happiness I deprived myself, and how little I've done with my life - I haven't even scratched the surface of my potential. So I see a long hard road ahead of me to be the person I want to be and I'm not looking forward to that . . . But I know its good for me and so I'm sticking with the therapy. I mean, I can't just avoid things when they become uncomfortable because then i'll end up a big old scaredy-cat and that's not what I want to be - I want to learn to face my challenges head-on and the first one I have to tackle is myself.

And its strange -- because I told my therapist how I was trying to learn to be happy being alone and not to need other people and not to want a relationship with a man -- And I thought this was a healthy attitude -- but my therapist said "Why would you want to be alone and lonely? Why would you want to isolate yourself from relationships?" and I realized that I've been telling myself I didn't want a relationship so that I could get used to the idea of being alone and prevent myself from getting hurt -- when really deep down I do want to find someone to be close with, and have sex with, and someday have babies with -- is that scary or what? And thinking along those lines always makes me miss my first love, Jim -- even though I know that we won't ever be together again and really we're not suited for each other. But I did love him so much, and I will always wonder about what if we stayed together, you know?

I hope that you are doing well and that your parents are well and that your school is going well -- I think that working for the International Rescue Commission in Montreal would be a fabulous, fabulous thing and I hope you do it!! You go girl!!!

Also, just as an aside - I can't believe what an IDIOT our president is. Every day I just scream inside when I read the news. War with China seems imminent. The Canadians up here think that Americans are real dildos for electing such a dick for president. Whenever I think politics, I immediately think of you. You would be such a good president!!! Why oh why can't YOU be the president, Katie?

Love,

Dreamself