2001-05-06 - 3:34 p.m.

I'm in a good mood today. Its a change since I have been depressed the last few days. There is a transit strike going on here in Vancouver which has now lasted 5 weeks which means no buses are going anywhere and so I've been stuck inside the house. This was what initially got me a little down and then I went to see Beatrice, my therapist, last Wednesday. We had a really yucky session and I left feeling very negatively about myself, tripping on all the things in my life that I hadn't done and all the ways I'd wasted my time and feeling doomed to ever be in a relationship again . . . So I was generally tripping like this about myself until last night, when I got happy again.

Last night was Cinco de Mayo! Somehow I just can't be down on Cinco de Mayo. A day to celebrate all things Mexican, a day to celebrate the sun, a day to siesta and fiesta and drink tequila and eat quacamole.

So I was kind of down and my dad was so sweet to me, he said -

"Hillary, you're just in this negative headspace right now where you think everything you do is wrong and where you are second guessing your life and your personality -- But you don't have to worry about all that! You know you don't have to worry about your personality because you are the most charming woman I have ever met and everybody loves you. When you're ready to meet people you won't have any problem making friends because you're wonderful. So stop worrying about yourself.You're thinking too much! Stop thinking! Just take each day as it comes and do as much as you can to enjoy yourself that day. Look here, today is Cinco de Mayo and there are fresh Lilacs on the table and Tequila in the cupboard - Let's party!"

And we did. I made quesadillas for supper and then we went down to a club and had tequila sunrises until we were quite drunk and had a good time.

And I met someone. The bartender. He was really good looking, a little skinny, with brown hair and a charming smile and he looked intelligent and quirky. After a few drinks and some big tips I came up to the bar for another drink and he said " Are you stalking me?" I laughed and said I was. I came up again later and he introduced himself. I did not earlier want to ask him his name because you know bartenders get hit on all the time and I didn't want to presume that just because I wanted to get to know him he would want to know me. But he made a point of introducing himself and asking my name. Later, at the end of the night, when i was leaving I went back up to him and told him that I was leaving but that I really enjoyed meeting him. And he called me by name and said he hoped to see me again too, that he worked there 5-6 nights a week so I could find him there. So I will go back again next weekend either alone or with a girlfriend and I'll make sure to get his number the next time . . . This excites me because he seemed like someone I would want to be friends with -- Maybe I'll make a friend! Yay!

But here's the kicker. His name is Darren : )

Larissa and I have this inside joke where we made up a name to correspond with all the weak qualities of Ryan. We picked that name to personify the Ryan we didn't respect. We thought of a name that wasn't common, that we had never known anyone personally to have before, and that sounded adequately passive. We picked the name Darren. We would talk about the kinds of weenie things a "Darren" would do and say.

And then wouldn't you know it the first guy in Vancouver that I'm interested is named Darren! It makes me laugh --The universe does have a sense of humor :)