2001-05-31 - 10:19 a.m.

I've been thinking about Jeff like crazy lately. Having sex fantasies about him. I'm actually going to be going through Texas in a couple of weeks and I emailed him and told him so and asked if I came through town for a day could we hang out? and he emailed me back and said to let him know and he'd put it on his calender - and he also said "I can't wait to see you" He can't wait to see me!! That sounds sooo good. He could have said sure he'd see me or he'd see me then or something casual, but that he "can't wait" to see me sounds like he's really looking forward to it. And I am too. I can't get him out of my mind. I want to know who he is, I want to make love to him, I want to know if he's the love of m life or not. So for now, I should shut up about him, because only seeing him in person is going to get this all out of my system, and I have to wait 3 weeks for that.

Its been an excellent week for revelation in my life. I've had mystery after mystery of my own self-knowledge come to light this week. So I'll start from the beginning.

Russell and I went out last friday and had the most wonderful time. He had never been on a roller-coaster in his whole life, so we went to the Pacific National Exposition Playland downtown to ride the rides. It turned out to be closed for the public and had been reserved for the day for a highschool group. But when I told the security guard that Russell was a native of the Northwest Territories who was flying home the very next day and this was his one chance in life to make his dream of riding a roller coaster come true and only one person in the world could make that happen for him, the security guard was kind enough to let us in for free! (Wherever you are in the world, Mr. Nice Security Guard - you've got good karma coming your way!) So we rode the coasters and we had a fabulous time, then we walked across the entire Second Narrows Bridge and saw the incredible views of the mountains and the waters, then we went to dinner and a movie and out for drinks and the night was over and he went home the next morning.

The point of that story being that we had a wonderful time together, and the whole time i was realizing how amazingly alike we are. And how good we'd be together. He told me how he his first girlfriend that he lived with for a year and a half he was inlove with, and he brought her a rose every single day of their life together. Every single day after work he stopped and brought her home a rose. Because he loved her that much. (Unfortunately, she died in a tragic car accident) And he said that's how he wanted to treat me. He wants to love me. He wants to treat me so good. But I was chill with him because our lives are so different, I'm just not ready to move to the Arctic circle, or to let myself get involved right now.

And then I realized that I've been saying all this time that I didnt want to get married - Why? Was it because I didn't want a life companion? No - I realized I wanted a life companion, I wanted someone to travel the world with me, and to love me, and to want to be around me and to live with me etc. But that I have put Larissa in my mind up in my place as this companion in life. I've made all these plans for my future and even my old age that have her in the place of where a man would be in my life. And that's not fair to her for one thing - because it puts pressure on our friendship for her to look out for me. And its not cool because it stops me from being open to new relationships with men, because I think from the outset that they can't measure up to her or that I don't want to get serious with them.

And then it gets stranger because I started tracing back why it is I'm like this. And I figured out that in my life I've never had a time in my life where I had both a man in my life and a girlfriend. I was always made to choose. My first boyfriend pigboy made me choose and between me and my friends so I chose him. Later when I got involved with Jim he and Larissa fought like crazy and I was forced to choose - so I chose Jim. When Larissa came back into our lives our friendships lasted only a week before they were no longer platonic and when I felt forced to choose again i chose Larissa. Over Jim. I didn't fight for him. I let her have him. I chose Larissa. The same pattern happened over again with Ryan. And since then I haven't gotten involved with anyone at all - I've dated guys Steev, Dan, Corey for a total of two weeks, or only went so far with them, or backed out of things with them or whatever and wasn't willing to let myself fall into them.

So I talked to my therapist and we figured things out even further. She helped me see that as a child, my mother and father were divorced, and I felt forced to choose. And choose my mother. over my father. I learned from them that I couldn't have both a man and a woman in my life. That it was one or the other, and the relationship with the woman was more sacred. (Its because my dad never wrote me letters, or sent packages, or called me, or was in my life at all when I was living with my mom, there was a total absence on his part) And also my mom never dated or had a boyfriend my whole life. Ever. It was like she was keeping herself pure for my sake, she didnt want to get involved with a man and mess me up so she didn't date. So what I learned from an early age was that you can't have both a relationship with a man and a friendship with a woman in your life. You choose. and you choose the woman.

And Beatrice pushed the envelope even further by suggesting that all this time I have been not falling in love or showing my magic to these men because I have been "keeping myself white" or "remaining pure" for Larissa. For the time when we are old and we don't have men in our lives and we end up moving in together. Beatrice says that all my years of lonely sacrifice would then be worth it because we'll have each other in the end. But that's not how it will turn out. Larissa will always have a man in her life. And she has no problem having a relationship and also a frienship with me - that's normal and how it should be. Me, I've finally had a breakthrough. Its up to me now to stay this open. To see Jeff and let things go where they will and be open to love.

I asked Beatrice all kinds of questions today about dating/relationships. I protested what she said about the men in my life at first - I said, "but each one of them had something not right with them. Sure they all had good hearts and were falling in love with me, but one of them wasn't my intellectual equal and one of them was working a boring job and one of them lives in the Arctic Circle. These are good reasons not to get involved, even if I have great affection for these men, because if I know going into it that I'm not going to want to be with them forever, then I should get out early and save them the pain from me ending things later and hurting them worse - Plus, what if I get involved with one of them, and then THE RIGHT ONE comes along"

And Beatrice said that me not wanting to hurt them was just an excuse for not being close. She asked me what life was like when Jim and I were in love and I told her it was wonderful - that he woke me up with kisses every morning. And she said that everytime I don't get involved I'm wasting my time because I'm missing that love, I'm missing those kisses. She asked me if I had been told the first day i met Jim that if we got together, we would have love but in a year we would break up, knowing what I know now of how much love was there for that year, would I have still chosen to be with Jim? Would I have still chosen the love, knowing that we would break up in a year?

And I said YES YES YES of course and I was bawling out of memory of those kisses and rememberance of being with JIm and then I bawled and bawled and told her "But it hurt so much" and "It hurts that he's not in my life now" and she said Yes yes of course, but even knowing all this hurt now, was the year you spent together worth it? Was the love you felt worth it? And I said YES it was worth it and she said

That's what you're missing. You're missing out on all those kisses. Yes you will get hurt, we all get hurt. Yes, you will hurt them, we all get hurt. But its worth it. You have to keep going. You have to stay open. You have to keep letting yourself fall in love.

And I asked her, but what if I know we won't last forever? What if I know that the man I'm with I love him but he's not the right one? And she said that people don't have only one relationship in their lives. People have many loves in their lives. And every time I turn a man down, he goes and falls in love and gives his love and his kisses to another woman and I miss out on that. For what? because I'm saving myself to be with a made up idea of a relationship with a woman who doesn't want me, or because I am saving myself to wait until I find "The Right One" and in so doing I'm missing out on all the right nows.

So now I've had so much to think about . . . I'm changed. I'm changed by the last few days. And I'm looking forward to seeing Jeff. And hoping that this time I'll be different. This time I won't chicken out. And if its not Jeff, its not - but there will be someone. Who wants to love me. Who wants to wake me up with kisses every morning. Who wants to give me roses every day. Who wants to travel the world with me. But I have to stay open. To stay raw. To keep putting myself out there. To keep getting hurt and keep being open again.

"And its hard,

its hard,

Its a hard rain gonna fall down." (bob dylan)