2001-06-04 - 5:34 p.m.

We're trying to figure out a way for me to take her car when she leaves the country. Everytime I think about having my own car I get all excited thinking of the freedom it will bring me- thinking of the drives I will take to the mountains and the road-trips I will make to see friends and the late night rendevous downtown - But to make this happen it requires money. Money for insurance and for gas. And I have a teensy little problem. I just lost 700 dollars. I have no money. So this car thing has been on my mind . . .

My mom's sister is here too and we're all enjoying being with family. But the one thing family always makes me think of is my career. Everytime you see one of those family people they want to know what you're doing now, what you plan to do, and how much money you will make. And I just don't have answers to those questions. I says things like, well I'm just writing a book for right now that I don't think will ever be published. After that? I plan to audition as an extra and get some acting experience so I can be a movie star. But those answers don't go over too well. And they say - So what are you *really* going to do? And I say - That IS what I am *really* going to do.

And after a while of doing all of this this year, then next year I'm moving to California. I might as well tell my family I'm moving to HELL. They really don't have any concept of California.

I just got back from visiting Larissa and Jim and I finally do have a concept of California. The time I spent with them was so easy and so fulfilling and I realized something important that I want to write down for myself here so that I can go back and read this when I'm in Canada alone later this year: I realized that while I've been in Canada I've been involved in some pretty serious navel-gazing and self-absorption. Which to a certain extent can be self-cultivation which is healthy. But I realized that my therapy, and having a therapist for a dad, and my own navel-gazing had made me all over-critical and doubtful and questioning on the inside about things that I should have simply trusted- I was really having all kinds of second thoughts about my directions in life and about my friendships and when I was actually in the presence of Larissa and Jim it felt so good and so right and they treated me so tenderly - They really do only want the best for me --

I've been resisting the idea of a move to California for the last year because I've wanted to make my own way in this world - which I am going to do. But if after this year of joblessness in Vancouver, - if I go to get a job and settle down again - Why in the world wouldn't I want to live near my friends? Any trace of manipulation, obsession, co dependency or any other negative qualities that I feared might be at the bottom of my relationship with my friends were totally non-existant when I saw them in person. I knew in my heart that my thoughts were just unfounded fears but somehow in Canada I had began to over-analyze the past and my thoughts seemed to spiral away from me until I had questions about things I had already known to be true.

So seeing Jim and Larissa and being in California was wonderful for me because it balanced me again - It reminded me that life is beautiful and even more beautiful when you can share it with your friends.

You know, when I think of my life in the future, I want to be able to look back on this time in my life and remember my friends being there - and I want to know that Larissa and my life were closely interwoven during this time and that I did not miss any opportunity for enjoying her company or for living life to the fullest or for late night conversation or for driving in the mountains or for walking the beaches or for laughing or for nuding or for inspiration or for understanding each other.

And I know that I can do all this, I can move to California, I can live in close communion with Larissa, I can write my books-- and I can STILL have a job and have a man if I want them. I think its all possible. Because I am capable of being happy. And I was happy in California.

Hanging with my family has taught me a different lesson - its taught me that I really am different and special. They remind me that I'm not from their world anymore, I don't think like they think, I don't dress like they dress, I don't want to be a CPA or marry a doctor or go to church or dress with decorum or end up in a city in texas with a pat little life. There is something in me that is different and I have something to say, I have a mark to be made on the world, I have a yen for travel and experience, I have friends who are dearer than any cousins, and I have a tattoo.