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2001-10-18 - 5:04 p.m. Writing today in my book more from the thanksgiving time 2 years ago. I skip around alot as I write, depending on my mood. Last week I wrote mostly about March and April 2000. Earlier this week I filled in some scenes from August 1999 - the extasy and the acid. I still have more to write about the acid and its after effects. Everything I've got right now is disjointed - there's plenty of action and dialogue and not much of the underlying themes or threads of beauty that I want to tie in. I will go back in one swoop at the end of this first draft and color that all in. Today I'm writing about the days before Thanksgiving.I hate writing this part of the story. I've been avoiding it for months. I wrote the first draft of the Thanksgiving days in July of this year, what happened and who said what to whom. And now I'm going back in to set it up - writing about the days before- what set it up. Read my journal from that time and am going from there about my bowl ritual. Realizing that now, the bowl is a symbol of friendship. It is a good happy thing to have as a keepsake, and as a thing of beauty. At the time, I wanted it to be a symbol of purity, of cleansing of the past. All of that is good . . . But when I read my diary about my ritual, when i write about it -- it all seems so much BIGGER. As if La were a GOD and I was consecrating it to her. Did I really think like that? Did I really think she was a goddess? I know i did, i can remember those days, and my diary confirms it. Not that she isn't wonderful and spiritual now - she hasn't lost anything, she's the same fabulous and insightful person she always was. She was and is my best friend. But at the time I went back and forth between treating her as a friend, and literally worshipping her. She could do no wrong. Which is funny, because I know if you ask her, she will tell you the truth which is that we all made it seem like she could only do wrong, like everything that was going wrong in our lives was because of her, because she was bad and was doing wrong. (which was unfair and untrue) But in my heart then, I really didn't think that. I thought she was too powerful and perfect and all knowing -- that she didn't make mistakes, that she did everything on purpose because she was a magical powerful goddess with the power to harm us because we were undeserving of her beauty. Its all so fucked up. There is magic in this world, and she has shown me that, how to tap into the beauty that is all around us. But we're all human, and humanity is precious and rare and beautiful and tender. And we're all human, all of us, especially the four of us. And that's a good thing. previous /next |
