2001-10-29 - 11:06 a.m.

I woke up in a great mood. I have this red sari that is a beautiful piece of fabric that hangs across my window. Its so red, so happy and thin and soft, it just totally made my day today. It was like a cheerful hello to the morning.

I wasn't still tripping when I wrote last night, but I was still in kind of a dream state, feeling the waves of x continue to wash over me and still in the altered mindstate of the shrooms somewhat. Today I have more perspective -- And I still feel great about what happened, It totally brings a smile to my face to think of A and the good time we had. But the edges of my mind are a little softer today, a little smoother, I still believe in what we saw and where we went, definitely, but this morning i also understand that i can know that that place is there, and be glad I went, but Its not totally in my mind. Like yesterday, I felt in a way very overpowered by the experience, like it was too much to think about, and it was such a strange strange feeling to be so bonded with someone who i don't really know, it felt very good to know A so close, but at the same time it really felt absolutely strange because I don't know him.

Today I don't feel so strange. Everything just is. And its all good.

I'm still searching myself out to feel how I've changed by this, because I know I have, but I haven't been able to put my finger on it yet. In time, I'll know.

But I have come to some conclusions about the next time I trip mushrooms -- And I definitely hope there is a next time, I think once or twice a year it is so good and positive to do this, it kind of stretches me in a way. Its been a year and a half since I last did it with Jim. But that's beside the point --

I am so glad that I got to be there for A for his first trip, and got to know him through this. If I had it to do all over again, i definitely definitely would. But I think that I'll be more careful the next time about tripping in a group of 3 or 4 in order to keep the mood a little more lighthearted, or not trip one on one with someone that I'm not totally seeking a complete bond with. Because it bonded us so completely yesterday that it was a little hard to put our minds around it -- Neither of us were prepared for that at all. But I couldn't have known, because I haven't had an experience like that with anyone before. Now that I know its possible, I don't think I'll trip with just one other person unless I'm prepared to go there with them. I think going there, becoming so bonded with someone I don't know, is a little overwhelming. But still, it was all worth it.

Also, I think I'm going to try to not do shrooms on the spur of the moment, or with any other drug. I mean, it was really fun to do on the spur of the moment, and the timing was right for both of us since we've both had plenty of time to rest -- but that I think the x made coming down much longer and after such a psychadelic experience I think I'd like to come back to myself a little sooner -- And also I realize that A probably didn't know what he was really agreeing to -- I'm sure he's glad he did it, but I think its more considerate to plan ahead with something like this, and be sure that everyone is ready.

On the other hand, the x put us in a wonderful pleasurable mood that set a good tone for the trip and for his mindset, and so he entered into the whole thing in the perfect spirit of fun without any fear, and that was great about it. So really, now that I think about it, there's no way to say what's the best way or the best time or the right amount of preparation -- Maybe it is all just meant to be. Maybe truth and opportunities for trips come when they do and that's always the right time. Hmmmn.

Anyway, I'm in a good mood today. I feel cheerful, but also really soft and dreamy. I know it may be a while before I hear from A, and that's cool because I know he needs to come to terms with everything in his own time, there's no rush - - But another part of me really hopes he calls as soon as possible, just for fun! It was strange leaving him last night (but I had to, I had to pick my dad up at the airport) I'm really eager to talk to him today but not really about what happened or about anything weighty, I'd just like to check in with him, say hello, give him a smile, see if he did get that shower and how good did it feel, does his apartment feel the same or is it winking at him now, laugh together, wish him well, get a bite to eat ( I just realized I haven't eaten in 2 days!)