2001-10-28 - 10:09 p.m.

I just had one of the most incredible, amazing experiences of my life. I don't know where to begin describing it, and maybe there is no way to describe it in words -- but I felt that i had to try to sort out my thoughts about it anyway

Last night I met a man at a party, I'll call him A. He was good looking. He was dressed in a Halloween Costume as a panda bear. I was dressed as a genie. I had had quite a few beers. He invited me home to his house to do some X with him. I said ok and went home with him.

Now, right there, I know that's one chance maybe I shouldn't have taken, because I didn't know him and in fact at the time that we left the party I had known him about 10 minutes. But it sounded like fun and the man seemed like such a cool guy, very trustworthy.

Little did I know then how amazing this person actually was.

So I went home and we did X. It hit me strong. I was overcome with sexual desire. We had some very sexy sex behaviour (no intercourse) , and then we talked, and then we had some more sex. And it so turned me on and was so just what I wanted and the man was very cool and I figured it would be a one night stand, but - why not? He seemed to know how to have a great time.

While we were still tripping on X, we decided to do shrooms. I doubled the dose I had sent La and jim, we did quite a lot. A had never shroomed before. I didn't think they'd be very stong, but they were very strong. At the time, it sounded like a fun thing to do (which it was!) and since A had never done them I wanted him to experience them. In retrospect, it was risky of him to do that with me, having just met me, and already tripping, and not really knowing what he was getting into. But we took the risk and trusted each other and set out to have a good time.

The trip was at first kind of what I expected it to be -- just alot of lighthearted fun. A was having a really good time. We were acting like kids, laughing, wearing goggles, etc. I got to pass along some of the trip tips and good vibes and encouragement that La had once given me, and it felt good to be a part of making A feel special and joyous. I felt like my total most natural pure self, and A was like that too. We had fun and played together. I showed him how not to worry and how to explore things, and he showed me the things he saw and shared with me the things he thought and I had a really good time and learned from him too.

All along I was seeing A at his most un-self-concious self, and he was so sweet to me and so caring and so kind and so thoughtful and so much fun to be around. I really liked him, I was really having just the best time, I haven't felt so unself-concious and so lighthearted since the last time I did shrooms, over a year ago with Jim.

And then at some point I really began to PERCIEVE A. That is to say, I really saw HIM. For who he was. I didn't know very much about him or his life, not enought to really call us friends before we tripped, but then I SAW HIM and HE SAW ME. And What I saw was such a precious rare individual, such a spiritual magical genuine good inexpressibly profoundly beautiful person. HIM. Who he IS. And He saw me like that too, and thought I was beautiful too, and we were bonded - it was the trip bond, but it was also just really seeing him and being seen -- so very few times in our lives do we get the opportunity to really PERCIEVE and UNDERSTAND and SEE someone else, and to BE SEEN. I just thought that he was such a rare glittering jewel, so intricate and complex and precious. I felt so lucky to know him and get the chance to trip with him. I knew that this seeing of each other would make us friends.

And then, and this is the hardest part to explain - just when I thought the two of us couldn't feel any closer -- We held hands and stared into each other's eyes and somehow talked and tripped and found our way to this totally undescribable plane of existence. We called it "our trip" because there really is no way to describe where it was that we went together, or what we saw there -- All I can say is that I felt his energy so strongly through my hands that it felt like he had four hands and was holding each of my hands with two of his own. And there was HEAT being generated by his body, and mine too, and an energy circle was created between the two of us, and the energy was so POWERFUL. It felt like we were no longer physically in his room, but practically levitating. I was sitting crosslegged, but if felt as if I had 4 legs sitting in a lotus position. When our eyes were closed, we were talking, A would speak for a few sentences and then I would speak for a sentence or two back and forth in whispers. I don't remember what we said, but it had to do with the things we were mutually understanding at that moment. In my closed mind's eye I was seeing AMAZING things, glittering jeweled cities in unfolding like flowers. And I felt like I had found a door to enlightenment -- not that I was anywhere even remotely near it, but that we were realizing simultaneously together that each person is an amazing intricate jewel, and that each person can seek a deep connection with the world, and that spiritual/soul travel is possible, and that there is a whole spiritual world we haven't begun to explore, that perhaps people could become aware of so many truths, but that what they would find would be too beautiful and too intricate to describe in words to other people in any way that anyone else can understand, and that is why each person has to seek these things out for themselves, because you can't be told these things.

And then at some point I opened my eyes and I saw A. And I was having strange visual effects from the shrooms that made a complex pattern of colorful symbols appear superimposed all over his skin, like a pattern in a fabric. And I thought he was truly beautiful, and I couldn't believe that he was on the same trip as me. And then he opened his eyes, and his eyes were so black and deep and exotic and full of energy, it was like they were shining or radiating and I SAW HIM.

After a while, not too long, we talked ourselves slowly out of our journey and back to the happy fun land of reality. And I can't really express what it meant to go to that place with A., except to say that I HAD NO IDEA that place even existed, or that one person much less two people together could go there and understand things together -- And i felt in total symbiosis with A. after that. Actually, I'm still understating what I felt. It was more like, after that, I Loved A. Not romantically, that's not what I meant, it wasn't a romantic love at all--it was just that I saw in that time how MAGICAL he could be, and how PRECIOUS and HUMAN he was, and how BEAUTIFUL, and how UNIQUE and HIMSELF and LIKE NOONE ELSE he was. And I felt that we had shared something amazing, and it had bonded us, but much much much closer than a normal trip bond, this wasn't a trip bond, this was like a strange soul-touching. It was like I was totally OPEN to him in every way, there was no ego, there was only my soul, and his soul, only his perfect and complete soul which I experienced happened to live behind the most FANTASTIC eyes I'd ever seen. And I felt like we had somehow become family in that moment ---

After that we played more, and we talked alot. I felt so completely comfortable with him, i just talked and talked in my sweet girl voice and asked him questions about everything and we laughed and we re-capped the days events and expressed amazement for each other. Even apart from the magical melding journey we had, you know what? I just really dig A. I just really like him. And A. told me that he thought I was FABULOUS and that he told me what he saw when he looked at me -- that he saw my eyes and my smile as shining so bright. And we kept sharing thoughts, like having similar thoughts at the same time and it was like total lighthearted happy communion, like we were twins or something. And he was so thrilled and grateful for the experience of it all, and so was I .

And then as we came down we rested in his bed, and cuddled, and it just felt so good, and so natural, for hours we lay with our arms around each other talking in whispers and resting but not sleeping. And that felt so good to me, as good as everything that we had already done, it was so nice just to be held, and be held by someone who you know has really seen and appreciated you.

Much later as I was leaving his apartment, I had mostly all come down (allthough I am still feeling just the slightest waves in my body from the x even now) my own self-consciousness began to creep back in. I ran out of things to talk about with him. I was self-conscious of my own talkiness. I don't think he noticed, because it was very slight, and going on only in my head. But even though the whole day I had such a wonderful time and was so joyful, the self-consicouness brought the tiniest bit of sadness into my heart to think I had to come down, and that I had to leave him, and I knew that when I saw him again it wouldn't be just exactly the same as it was this day. I gave him my phone number and email address, and I kissed him goodbye

I do hope he calls me. I do hope to see him again. I think A is simply amazing, so worth knowing, and after today i really care about him very deeply. But I can't help but wonder how it will be like with us -- After what we've gone through, being so incredibly intimate, its hard for me to imagine us relating without that incredible level of openess that we experienced with each other today. And yet I know that we can't sustain that same communion and openess in our real lives for more than a few moments at a time. So I hope to get to know A for who he is in the real world too, because the A in the real world is just as real as the magic A I saw inside him today, its just as totally him, its just a different aspect of his person, and the person I am in the real world is a different person too, even though she is just as me as the pure mushroom soul dreamself. I would like A to like me in the real world as much as he liked me today.

I feel so happy and grateful that A. shared himself with me, I feel honored -- and I'm glad I got to be there for his first time on Mushrooms and make it such a positive experience for him. I think that if everyone could do shrooms and have someone else teach them and open them, the way La did with me, then everyone would have a great experience with them, and would learn so much and see so much beauty in the world. I think children are their pure selves, and its almost as if they are on a constant trip through childhood. When I'm a mom someday, I'm going to try to remember what it felt like to be on shrooms, and I'm going to try to guide my kids to see beauty and have fun and not fret or see scary things, I'm going to try to treat them with as much consideration and encouragement and tenderness as A showed me today.

I know that we will both never forget this day, and what it was like to feel that kind of openess and oneness with someone. I am changed by this experience, definitely, all though I know that I may not be able to pinpoint just how I've been changed by this for days or weeks to come. I don't have any idea what it will be like to see A again, if we will want to or be able to start a friendship separate from this experience. But I'm open to everything, I'm open to it all, I know that whatever happens, our trip together was so worth it, and that if A and I strive to treat each other with consideration and kindness and thoughtfulness, and tenderness, as I know for certain that we will, then whether we end up parting or working it out to be closer together, this story can only have a happy ending.