2001-11-07 - 4:54 p.m.

I met this guy last week and talked to him for about 10 minutes. His name is G. G is a total FOX - he is as good looking as Jim, and that kind of handsomeness is rare indeed. On a scale of one to ten for good looks, he was about a 15.

So I see him again last night and we talked. And I couldn't believe how wonderful the conversation was - it turns out that he is a writer and a painter, and a chef at a fabulous resteraunt. He is as passionate about life and creativity as I am. He dreams vividly and talked about his dreams. He was born in Scotland and came from a very loving family, he talked with pride and fondness about his sisters. The conversation was amazing.

I offered him a ride home in my car, and he accepted. Kitty and another friend were totally amazed that I was giving him a ride - I had picked up the best looking guy anyone had seen in years. I felt like he was a little out-of my-league, but I didn't let it show - I was just enjoying the flow, enjoying the conversation - yes, I was smitten.

I gave him a ride and he invited me to come up to his place for a drink. I went. he showed me his paintings, which were fabulous. We talked until 7 am about everything under the sun, and were drinking the whole time. I was enjoying myself and his company.

Just after dawn he kissed me. And we kissed for a while and it was sexy and just right. And we ended up getting naked, but we didn't do anything, we just kissed and fell asleep with each other.

In the early afternoon I woke up and we kissed some more. I was hungover, and wasn't quite as turned on as he was. He wanted to have sex with me, but he didn't have a condom. So of course no sex was going to happen. But he tried to enter me anyway - he seriously asked me if he could come inside me WITHOUT A CONDOM?

I FLIPPED HIM ON HIS ASS and asked him "ARE YOU CRAZY?" I couldn't believe he would think that was ok. I expected him to apologize and be sweet and be like - whoa i'm still drunk, that was a crazy idea. But he wasn't like that - He honestly begged me several times to have sex with him without a condom!

I was SHOCKED that there would be anyone in this day and age who would ever suggest that at all - much less someone who otherwise was so creative and intellectual and poetic - I was so horrified that he would think that was ok, and would be so inconsiderate/careless about my feelings and pregnancy. Not only did it turn me off, it makes me feel disgusted by him in general.

We got dressed and I dropped him off at the seabus station. I did NOT give him my phone number. He smiled and said sweet things and wanted to see me again, but he was late for work and didn't have time to give me his number. I don't want it anyway.

SO HERE'S THE DEAL:

I am NEVER picking someone up that I don't know again. I am NEVER going home with a boy and drinking so that I have to crash at his house. I am NEVER having sex with someone I just met again. I am NEVER going to have sex before I've come to know and trust someone again.

The last 2 years, since Jim and Ryan, I've slept around alot. Not a terrible lot, last year I only slept with good friends that were potential love situations. This year I fell into sexual encounters with people that were new to me, I slept around, I did it for fun, to feel good, because I just wanted some sex.

But after I tripped Mushrooms with A - I started feeling really different about people and sex. I saw the jewel center within him and I wanted to make love to that, sex in comparison seemed a bit vulgar. I really vowed in my heart not to get near sex again, until I was close to someone.

And then I broke my own rules by following the party with G last night - And the result is that I didn't get the pleasure of knowing him, of dating for a while and finding out about him slowly like a flower unfolds - I rushed to the finish line and when I got there I was not only horrified by his behavior - but I feel so empty about the whole night with him now.

I don't want to fill my life with empty nights. I don't want to fill it with a haze of alcoholic encounters. I don't want to have sex without the flowers and the magic and the love and the compliments. I don't want to just do it. I've realized what I'm really seeking- and that is closeness and connection with other people, and beauty -- And I'm NEVER going to find that in a BAR. I've learned my lesson.

2000 was the year of sexual exploration. 2001 was the year of Sleeping around. 2002 will be the year of Patience. Next year, I'm cultivating patience and closeness. No more random empty sex.