2002-01-14 - 7:38 p.m.

I made it to LA. There is ALOT to talk about in regards to this city, and all I've seen, and so much I want to record about what things look like here -- but that will have to be another entry . . .

One thing I do want to mention that I am happy about is the amount of ideas I'm having for short stories. Being in a new setting really is inspiring me. I'm too busy looking for jobs right now to sit down and write my short stories (or write in my diary for that matter) because I'm having to write cover letters like crazy -- but I'm getting lots of great ideas and that's what makes me the happiest.

The Pat thing is dissappointing me, but I know it will all turn out fine in the end . . . just maybe not how I originally dreamed it would or wanted it to.

When I left Vancouver, he wrote me a FANTASTIC letter. Like the kind I've never gotten before. Like the AMAZING soul connection kind of letter. I was so HAPPY. And I'm still happy -- because I'm happy in general about my life -- and because I will always treasure having recieved a letter like that.

But then I wrote him back, a week later, in the same spirit -- and I guess my reciprocation freaked him out. More than that, I made a mistake -- I called him. I called him because I just wanted to hear his voice, and to talk to him, and to share my excitement with him like a friend. But we were never friends. We were something else. Something else I can't put my finger on. But anyway, i treated him like too close of a friend. And the conversation only lasted a couple of minutes.

And tonight he called me back. And basically said he felt wonky about the call all week, and it bothered him, and that he was getting the impression that I had feelings for him, and he wanted to make it crystal clear that he wasn't there -- that he only was looking for friendship. So of course, I'm thrilled he was that honest with me, and friendship, a slow opening of us to each other over time in a friendship, is what I want most. I hate awkward conversations or weirdness, I didn't want it to be weird and when I called him it so obviously was. But it makes me sad that I freaked him out, and that he got the impression I liked him more than he liked me, like some kind of highschool fling. Its weird . . .I don't want it to be weird!

I want it to be beautiful and magical and easy and natural, and I believe it CAN be that way. It WAS that way when I was with him.

And so I don't expect to hear from him again for many months . . . and when I do hear from him, who knows . . . I've just got to let this go for now.

At least he cared enough to call me and let me in on his thoughts about this, and didn't just decide to ignore me . . . I really do think he's handling this well,

And actually, in retrospect, despite the mistake of calling him all peppy like I did -- I think I've handled myself well. I have been honest. I have been myself. And when I re-read my letter to him -- while it can be read to sound very romantic, that wasn't how I intended it. When I read it with my own clear heart of positive energy and friendship - it sounds like a very nice letter that anyone would be flattered to recieve.

So I can only live my life as I always do, and remain open to any possibilities that come along, and hope in my heart of hearts that I hear from him again, because I like him, and that's a good thing, that's a beautiful thing, the fact that two people can connect even for one week or one letter in this world -- that's beautiful.

I'm just sad that we are trying to communicate long distance, because things always seem more complex over distance than they really are . . . If we were face to face, there would be no awkwardness . . .

I hope we will be face to face again someday. Cross your fingers for me.