2002-03-19 - 6:02 p.m.

But let me start from the beginning. Saturday started off as such a wonderful day to begin with -- La and I went driving around LA and picked up some funky St Patrick's day sceptors and headbands and we just giggled and were absurd -- it just reminded me that that exactly was what i came to LA for.

So we went out to the Rainbow room last Saturday night. I was so excited. This is the place where all the rock n' roll stars hung out in the 80's - and where they still hang out. The clientelle is very rock n' roll oriented - everyone has leather and piercings and funky hair and looks like some version of Bon Jovi or Axl Rose. It definitely rocks (pun intended, haha)!

So we went with the Alabama boys. Let me reiterate what wonderful wonderful friends these guys are. They brought along a couple of their other friends - and the whole group of us hung out and got along so well all night. There were 9 of us total - I have never felt so at home among a group of people - all of us of age, all of us artists in some form, all of us just really digging each other and laughing and being funny and sincere.

Jim2 was totally cool with me the whole night - and by cool I mean he was great. We just laughed and talked and he even made a point of telling me how beautiful he thought I was. It was so flattering, he was so charming . . .

Then we went to the hot tub at their house. A good time was had by all. We were all drunk-- I was less drunk than most and noone was crazy drunk. Eventually, we smoked some herb - by 5 am everyone had crashed out but me and Jim2. So we kind of crashed together on the couch -- and then you know we were laying close and he started touching me and it was so hot, so irresistable . . .

But the thing is I know its not what I want. I mean, I did want it and I do want it, that's the strange thing. I have lived here 3 months in a house with two lovers . . .and so I have felt very alone and I wanted the attention, and the affection, and the passion . . . and Jim2 is really so hot , for alot of reasons -- because he's charming and he carries himself very sexily, because he's goddamn hilarious, because of age at 32, because he's really just such a genuine person---

but I also realize that alot of my attraction is because I am so ready to fall in love. And I know that Jim2 is not the one for me.

And so in my head I want to stop-- because who knows who I might meet that will really suit me . . . and having clandestine sex on the couch can only last so long before either I fall in love with him or he loses respect for me and neither one of those things are what I want. What I want is continued close friendship with all the alabama boys and me having sex with Jim2 jeapordizes that. I know that.

But its hard not to have sex when you've already been there before with someone, when you're so wanted, when the sex feels so good . . .SO GOOD

I just have to remind myself to nip it in the bud next time. To tell him:

You know I am attracted to you, and I have enjoyed our encounters, but we can't keep doing this -- because we don't have a future together --

I really just want to be these boys friend and I don't want to screw it up.

We're all going apartment hunting next Saturday afternoon, I think. I would LOVE to live with these guys, in some kind of place near the beach!! I can just imagine my life -- walking to the beach in the early evenings, sitting on the sand smoking a cigarette with the boys -- coming home and being handed a beer by the guys --

I really don't want to live alone. i will, if by necessity I have to. But I don't want to.

As for the rest of my life . . . Job has been going well, I'm surprisingly used to it already! Also I met a boy who is friends with Jim and La. A nice person, nowhere even close to the specialness of the Alabama boys, but a nice guy. He invited me to be his date to the ACADEMY AWARDS. Well, an official after party, at least! I get to wear the most formal dress I own, and accompany him to a star-studded afterparty in Hollywood!!!!!!

I can't believe I just moved here 3 months ago, and already I'm going to an ACADEMY AWARDS after party!! Woo Hoo!!

Los Angeles has been so good to me!!

The only sad thing in my life is that I dearly miss my older sister, whom I left behind in Canada when I moved out here. I think about her alot. She's going through a hard time, and if I had known, I wouldn't have left Canada so soon. I'm glad I'm here -- but my heart aches for my sister.