2002-03-28 - 6:15 p.m.

The Oscar party was not at all what I thought it would be like. I'm not sure what I expected. I expected either a big formal to-do, or an outrageous gay bash. I'm glad it didn't turn out to be so star-studded and formal as it could have been, because even in my nicest dressed I would have been severely underdressed for something like that, so that was a relief actually. I was mostly hoping it would be a campy gay bash, but it was more like being at a party with stuck-up stockbrokers and aging frat-boys, except they were all gay man. As a woman, I was overlooked. And all the guys were dressed so "abercrombie & fitch" -- so chic in their black slacks/ black leather pants/ khaki pants and tight fitting black sweaters. It was really tiresome.

Plus we were all so tight for money, and so out of our element, that even Jim and La and I didn't really party together -- we were there 7-9 hours each and only drank 3 drinks each. For some reason, we never got the vibe going on.

I was touched by the academy awards ceremony itself, however -- I cried when Sydney Portier got his honorary oscar, and I cheered when Halle Barry got hers. I was thrilled that these actors got the recognition they deserved, and I was very moved to think that I was witnessing a long overdue breakthrough for people of color, not just as performers but as society will change positively in response to the changes that will be brought about in the making of movies because of this ocassion . . .

We left the party early, as people were beginning to arrive at nearby parties. Across the street from us we could see limos pulling up outside the Elton John Pary, and we stopped to watch the finely dressed rich and famous get out of their cars . . . I saw the guy who plays Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer - YAY! It made my night because I'm a real fan.

The whole thing was so surreal for me -- to think that all this hollywood, all this stuff on tv, all these people who I'm used to thinking of as existing in some kind of a fantasy land where movies are made -- all of this is in my new hometown. The Awards were taking place across the street from where LA works. All that Oscars stuff on tv was happening in the same neighborhood as where I was watching it . . . CRAZY!

As for the rest of my life . . .

My job has been a real learning experience for me. I'm really loving the work I do, and I'm getting more responsibility all the time even though my job title sucks -- but the real treasure is my co-workers and the grounding that they are bringing to my life.

Today at work we talked about the 1992 riots -- or the "civil unrest" as it is called in South Central LA. Many of my co-workers were working/living in LA at the time of the riots. We are having the grand opening of our organization's new community center on April 29 to commemmorate the 10 year anniversary of the event, to show that 10 years later people are working hard to help the community and help the poor and right the wrongs that contributed to people's frustration with LA.

Anyway, at the time the riots were happening I was a white girl in a high school in Abilene Texas. I remember hearing the news -- but today made it so real for me. They told me it was widespread - all over South Central LA even up to Koreatown where I live, and that the shop owners in Koreatown were up on top of the roofs of their stores with guns because that was the only way to protect the stores. They said it was total chaos for days, with not a single policeman in sight, because the police were afraid.

They said that people were tired of the way things were, tired of the poverty, and the police were the enemy, and white people in danger . . .

One co-worker told me that she was at home with her baby nephew. She had to go out to get milk for the baby, but the stores were all being looted and there was no cashier or she would have paid. But the baby needed formula, and she was afraid the riots would last for days, so she shopped for only what she needed most and took it home with her, because what else was she to do?

Another co-worker told me that her son came in and asked her if she wanted anything new. She said no way! But she said that all the furniture stores were lotted, and they all died laughing when they told me how the weekend after the riots the streets were FULL of discarded furniture. Piles of discarded couches on every corner! Imagine!

My co-worker Regina told me that she was working for a company that had two white employees that were technicians who did their work on wiring on telephone poles. She said the day it happened they called to check in with her and she told them to come home, quit work, get out of the field. She was going home herself she said. The two men were shot at and chased into their van, and the closest place they knew to go was her house. She kept them at her house overnight, because a couple of times when the men tried to leave the people in her neighborhood made a fuss and she was afriad that they wouldn't make it home alive, that they would be shot at or pulled out of their van. The next day her husband drove them safely all the way back to orange county.

Imagine! living someplace with riots in the streets! Imagine being afraid of guns in your neighborhood!

All of my co-workers, who are black, gave me advise about keeping a low profile in south central. They told me that after dark, a white girl alone could really get into trouble. That the people in south central frankly don't like white people and aren't used to seeing them in their neighborhood, unless they are cops -- she said not to stop at any gas stations even, and not to drive through the streets but just jump on the highway and go home right after work.

I really respect this one co-worker, Regina, for saying all this to me. Because the way she told me this, it wasn't to scare me. It was because she liked me, because she wanted to look out for me. You know alot of people pussyfoot around race issues and are afraid to comment or say anything to people that could be misconstrued as racist. But Regina was frank with me -- and that kind of honesty made me feel really accepted.

I talked to my mom about this. My mom lived in Chicago for a long time. My mom said not to worry, but just to use good judgement like any woman would, keep your car doors locked etc. I think my mom's right, and I'm not afraid of where I work, because the people have all been really great, and I really don't have any assumptions about the neighborhood. But on the other hand I don't want to be too trusting, or naive, or get myself into an uncomfortable situation -- and I appreciated Regina's straight-talking so much.

In other news . . . Last weekend I hung out with the Alabama boys again. This time Jim2 didn't come. I really missed him. I really like that Jim2. Andrew stayed over, and made a pass at me -- and it was weird because I really like him, too -- but I was a good girl, and very level-headed and declined his pass -- because I really do want to be friends with those guys.

But I find myself really thirsty for love. I drove home today and on the way there is always this man who sells a bunch of roses, a half dozen for 5 dollars. And every day I want to buy some, but somehow I never have any cash on me. And I just thought about what it would feel like to have someone buy me flowers. How flattered and special I would feel. And it made me sad that there is no one in my life to buy me roses. Or for me to buy flowers for, for that matter.

But maybe I'll buy some lillies for our house for Easter, and that will cheer me up.