2002-04-04 - 9:40 p.m.

Ry has been staying with us all week, but I haven't seen him at all. Literally. I've been going to bed before he and Jim have gotten home from the film shoot, and then i've been getting up and leaving for work just before his time to get up. Its strange to have his vibe in the house and yet I haven't gotten to spend any time with him . . . but its good too, its just so nice to have his presence here.

This morning, as I was leaving for work, I woke him up by kissing his cheek and his forehead and the top of his head. Just little pecks. And then as I was walking past his couch on my way out the door I said goodbye and leaned in and we had a little sleepy hug. And it was so nice! It just made my day. It felt really good, like family or something. It just felt really familiar and warm and fuzzy.

Yesterday, there was a little boy at the day care center who ran up and hugged me. My non-profit organization that I work for provides child care for the working poor, and so my desk is in a child care facility. So it was the end of the day and I went around locking up, and I walked into the toddler area and he had never seen me before, because I'm really new, but he just ran up and hugged my legs, and stretched his arms for me to pick him up. I shouldn't have picked him up, because I'm not yet insured or licensed properly to have any contact with the kids, but I couldn't help it. I picked him up and he just beamed at me! His name is Bernando. And he hugged me! And smiled!! And the way he sat on my hip, and the way he looked at me -- it was just so familiar, and so natural, and so warm and good feeling --

I really am meant to have a family. I really do look forward to that day, when its my husband's forehead that I kiss, and its my child on my hip.

Don't get me wrong, those days are far away for me -- I've got books to write, school to start and finish, and a lover to find and fall in love with first -- but still, it gave me a warm glow to know that its in my future . . .