2000-05-12 -

This friend of mine works as a lingerie model. Her thing is that she needs money, and that she's really just taking advantage of men who pay. Its her job, and I can understand everyone needs a job to pay the bills. In one sense, her job is no more exploitive than any other job - most of us exchange our time and bodies for money to work for some other man. In her job the men aren't supposed to touch you. Last night some fucker cummed on her. Just didn't care, just came on her like he would come on a rag or a napkin or into a trashcan, just didn't even see her as human. No thought to how she would feel, no thought that she was a woman like his mother or his sister or another human like himself. How the fuck do people treat people like that? There isn't even any place to take a shower where she works, she had to wipe it off and keep going. I wish she'd quit the fucking job, she's so fabulous and she can't even see it.

Truth is I can't dig a job, I want to get out of here I want money to spring from some mystical source allowing me the freedom to spend my days writing and traveling and learning and meeting, I'm tired of feeling like my whole identity as far as the outside world is concerned is the company that I work for and I'm tired of a schedule and I'm tired of a thousand days just like the others and I'm tired of making ends meet and I'm tired of having to present myself as only half of myself in order to fit in on the job and I'm tired of spending all my time in service to someone else, so that in my only spare time I end up sleeping or partying and there's no time left for me to just be, unless I stay home on a Friday night.

I sleep alone

and at night I dream of Colorado . . .