2000-05-14 - 16:46:30

Sunday afternoon . . .

I spent last night/today with a friend, B, whom I admire and am growing to appreciate more and more. The more he tells me about his own struggle with existence, the more real he is to me, and the more my respect for him grows. I find that I learn alot about myself just by being around him -- I can really chill and relax around him, I don't have to always party or have my act together around him -- the result is that I'm learning who I can be with no expectations, and sometimes that me is still childish or cheesy - I realize I still have many miles to go in life and alot to learn. After any time spent with B I come away with a greater sense of self, and a warm fuzzy I've-been touched-just-right feeling all over.

I have been feeling down lately, with no real reason why. And today it came to me - I am restless, it is growing time for me to move on with my life, to make a change. I find that my job doesn't challenge my intelligence or contribute any meaning to my life, and i have known that I needed a change. I have been planning a move to go to grad school in Colorado sometime in the future, but it has always seemed like an "out there" possibility - And today I have renewed the idea in my mind and I feel rejuvinated.

There are two realities, the status quo of what is socially acceptable and the reality of how i feel compelled to live my life - and right now my life is about the open road - travel and beyond. I know I won't keep running around from city to city forever, eventually my life will call me to one place for a while -- but until that time I can't let myself get bogged down into other people's notions of proper time and place and money.

I used to think that "home" was a place, like a city or where my parents were. Later home to me meant wherever my lover and I were making our den. But now I think home is me. People seem to settle down when they need to feel like they are putting down roots somewhere - but I feel rooted in myself and that makes me free to travel. People also seem to stay in one place when they need to make friends, because it takes time to make connections - But I am lucky because I have some deeply treasured friends, and our connections do not require physical proximity. In short, I feel ready to go.