2002-11-22 - 6:03 p.m.

I thought about how your future life is just made up of a string of days, and it's how you spend each day that makes you who you are. I remembered my mom telling me once that happiness was like a string of pearls, where each pearl was a happy moment and put together they are this beautiful necklace, and that's true happiness. Wednesday night was a beautiful pearl. It made me want to live each day like that.

And so I finally got up the gumption to do a little bit of research for today to bring me towards my future necklace. And discovered, to my surprise and dismay, that grad school applications for the universities I am interested in are due DECEMBER FIRST which is in, like, 7 days!

I could pull the applications out of my ass at the last minute, but I don't want to. I'm leaving for Canada next week, and driving to see Dean tonight, and I have to work, and I don't have the time to really prepare it like I want, to be sure. I haven't heard back about my GRE scores. I'm not yet sure where all I want to apply. And I hate rushing and cramming and feeling all scared and pushy.

But most of all, I just don't have the money for the application fees. I had to pay money that I now owe to Dean to get a boot off my car, then my car got a flat tire and I had to buy 2 new tires, and I just don't have it. I'm already way behind on my bills as it is. My Aunt said she'd give me/lend me the money, but by the time I got the money from her, it would be too late.

So what am I to do? Call the school and beg them to accept a late application? Or Wait and try and apply for the Spring of 2004 or the Fall of 2004? And spend the next year and a half in total limbo again??

I can't believe I waited until this late in the year to get busy on this. In the back of my mind, I was sure the deadlines would be in January. It never occured to me they'd be this soon. I fucked up. Again.

I got a palm reading from a psychic on Wednesday, too. She told me some interesting, promising, maybe crazy, maybe scary things. That I should pursue a career in music. That if I went back to school it would be for something related to philosophy and science (semiotics? history of consciousness?). That I would have a baby at age 26. I'm 26 already!!

What the hell am i doing with my life, anyway?

enjoying myself . . . but not building towards anything. I'm like a sand dune that keeps blowing in and out of existence. I need to stick myself to a rock so i can build up and up and be a sand dune to the sky! ha.

My mom has hatched a plan to save her favorite orphan Marius from the pit of Laguna. It may take 6 weeks to come to fruitition, but the wheels are in motion. I'm so fuckin' proud of her. She gives me hope.