2002-11-25 - 12:09 p.m.

First, on the way to see Dean I listened to the Art Bell show. And he interviewed researchers of Roswell. Up until this point I've always thought that alien life out there was a possibility, even a probability, but I wasn't 100 percent sure. After hearing Art Bell talk to the archeologist who recently went back to the crash site, and after hearing him speak to the researcher who interviewed former military personnell involved with Roswell on their death beds, I am now convinced. Earth has been visited by aliens. New Mexico being the logical place because of the testings of the atomic bomb out there. So I've decided for sure aliens exist, now i can check that off my list of mysteries.

What was even MORE amazing about the alien question is the assertion by the researcher that the aliens, allthough each individuals, functioned as one organism, at one with thier ship. Wow.

I am starting to believe that human beings and our planet are one organism too. But that's another story.

Then, on the way back from seeing Dean, I heard Wayne Dwyer, author of "10 secrets of success and inner peace" talk. I hate self help books. But this man radiated love and wisdom. It was a pleasure listening to him. I didn't learn anything "new", but I finally firmed up my belief about God.

When I was a kid I believed in God, like an omniscent being in the sky. Later, I rejected that, and believed their was no god. But over time I've come to believe in the collective unconscious, the universe, the collective positive/negative energy of the world. But I couldn't bring myself to call it God, because God is such a religious word, it trivializes the magesty of the collective spirit of the world. So I'm still not going to call it God necessarily, but listening to Wayne Dyer, who was not afraid at all to call it God, made me think - you know, it can't really hurt. It's just a name. So now I think if anyone asks me (like my family, who bugs me about this all the time) if I believe in God I will say yes - without feeling I should explain my complex understanding of the higher consciousness of the universe and the interconnected ness of all things and the collective energy and electricity of the world. I think I'll just say yes.

And then I heard an 89 year old woman speak about the collective spirit of the world, and how to heal the world, how to stop war, etc. She said that it doesn't matter how old you are, what body you are in, if you are in prison or are an invalid. We can all change the world - by radiating LOVE.

And Wayne Dyer was talking about how any energy, feelings, thoughts, etc you put out radiate out from you, and draw to you what you put out -

Maybe if we all radiated LOVE we COULD change the world!

I've been searching for a purpose in my life, and I'm still in the process. But definitely one of my purposes is to radiate love, and to try and help others feel love and reach thier higher conciousness.

But you know, none of that could be possible if I hadn't regained my faith in love. Falling in love with Dean has been so healing for me. The best thing that ever happened to me.

And another thing Dean did for me. I was explaining to him my grad school dilemma, and he was so cool about it. He dropped out of school on purpose, because he believes that people can and should learn on their own. That most everything about school is Bullshit.

And I still want to go to school, because I think having a grad degree would help me do alot of the things I want, like be a teacher, or travel, get published easier etc. But I've been pushing myself with this kind of society pressure bug about accomplishing things by a certain time in my life and Dean was just like - "I dropped out, because school isn't the way for me. And you can write and publish and be accomplished even if you never go back to school. It's going to be ok. You're amazing, and you will be even if you never get a grad degree."

And I just felt so relieved, and so loved, and I realized that there is a reason that Dean in particular is in my life - there are things he has to teach me, and also he is uniquely appreciative and accepting of me in a way that I need from someone right now while I'm still forming.

I'm really in LOVE, forreal.

So I think I'm going to apply to gradschool next year, after I've spent time choosing the right program and corresponding with professors getting thier advice and studying more and publishing some of my own work and knowing whassup with Dean and me without putting the pressure of making grad school decisions based on where he is. I'm just going to CHILL OUT about it. Whew! That feels much better.

So what I've taken out of all of these revelations is this:

That it's all about what vibes you put out there.

(So I need to put out some LOVE vibes, to save the world! And I can solve my own problems, by just chilling out, and putting out energy towards what I want, like the will to write/publish, and prosperity!I plan to start)

And if the Divine is in all of us, and radiating LOVE is so important to the world -- maybe it's true that GOD is LOVE.