2003-01-05 - 9:08 p.m.

And

This week is the one year anniversary of my arrival in Los Angeles

I spent the last couple of days on the verge of tears, not really because anything was wrong but because i was so close to my feelings, how excited i am about the future but how scary it feels when big changes are taking place --

-- and also there was a brief episode over the holidays that scared me too, the first time i'd seen my lover get angry with me, and i didn't know how to handle it, i didn't call him on it , i just panicked and felt all on pins and needles, and felt like i did all the years of my childhood after my father abandoned me, and the terrible months before and after Jim left me, and i realized i was just scared of confrontation, that if Dean were mad at me he wouldn't want me anymore, in an instant, just like that --

But i never told him all of this because i knew it was just something i needed to conquer in myself - and he's been amazing to me as usual ever since our encounter, and i'm prepared next time to not be all needy and scaredy and girlfriendy but to treat him like a real person -- so in fact i feel BETTER than before it happened because i've faced something this week that i needed to, and i feel more lighthearted even than before

Meanwhile, this is the last night i have alone in my apartment before my girls from Atlanta move in! I have eagerly awaited and anticipated Leslie and Chrissy's momentous arrival for months! But i'm also enjoying my last night alone . . . everything is going to change when they get here -- and it will be fantastic and fun and never ever boring or lonely! But it's the end of an era for me too, the end of my own space and my own place and my single woman love den

and wow, i've been thinking alot about how it's been a year since i got here, and how i came here with only 100 dollars and my car and slept in a closet for four months -- and now i have my own place, a job, a true love, a haircut i got while having a cocktail on sunset boulevard -- this is my life and it has turned out so much better than i expected! I still have miles to go before i sleep, so much more i want out of this life -- but i'm proud of how far i've come in the last year

but the biggest news in the world is

MY BOY GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL!

Jim! He got the call on Friday! He has been accepted into the MFA program in San Francisco!! I knew he would make it and I'm soooo happy for him!!!

We celebrated by having cocktails at the Tiki Ti, huge fruity hawaiian concoctions, and then going to Jumbo's Clown Room, which is LA's version of Atlanta's Claremont Lounge, a total dive bar and strip club where the strippers pick up their tips with their bottoms and one woman smoked a cigarette from her bum!!! incredible women, and a fantastic good time --

And Jim was so genuinely surprised and thrilled - I can't believe he's the same boy who worked in the porn store in Atlanta, except i know he's shown the grit and determination and put in the work it took to get here -- and by comparison i feel jealous and like a loser because i'm still a secretary . . . but his success can only inspire me and show me that i can do it too, all it takes is my own perserverance, and conquering of my instinct to procrastinate

But the one other thing i forgot to mention was NEW YEARS!! HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!! I spent New Years in Las Vegas with Dean and his friends, and it was without a doubt the very best New Years I've ever had -- 300,000 people were there walking in the streets and fireworks went off from 8 hotel buildings, and Dean and I got to kiss at the stroke of midnight -- we stayed in the Aladdin, which is the same hotel where Elvis and Priscilla were married in 1967 (except of course the original hotel was blown up and rebuilt in 2000) and all the hotels in Vegas were like magical fantasy palaces -- Much drinking and debauchery took place, and bonding between me and Dean's friends, and I even got to geek out and eat lunch with Dean in Quark's bar from Deep Space Nine! INCREDIBLE - Starting the New Year off so right must mean good things for the whole year!