2003-01-17 - 5:46 p.m.

this week at work i have been doing a great job, and have been very busy. this is good because it makes me feel better about looking for a new one, i don't feel so guilty, why do I even feel guilty for leaving a job I don't love? i don't know, but i feel sneaky and i hate that. doing a great job at work makes up for that feeling, it's very satisfying.

I think i'm actually developing a work ethic! It must have been brought about by seeing Katie in Vancouver, and by general growing-upness, i suppose. I have only come to work drunk once since I started this job almost a year ago! that's impressive. i'm turning over a new leaf, for sure.

No one is going to the Peace rally with me. I'm driving alone tonight to see Dean. At first I was really bummed, because I don't really like long drives alone -- but my week has been so hectic and people full, i think It's actually better for me. It will give me some time to chill out before seeing Dean -- and then I'll be chilled out enough to really chill out with him :)

I'm going to listen to the John Adams biography on cd while on the road. Am I a history nerd, or what? I prefer listening to books to music on the road. Unless i'm on a road trip. Music kind of zones me out sometimes, or makes you get all teary, or makes you want to speed -- books let the hours pass faster and at the end you feel like you've accomplished something.

What is my major deal with accomplishment these days? Is this a naggy flaw or a healthy nudge towards success from my subconcious? I will think about this on the long drive . . .

Jim's leaving next week and I am much more calm and non-plussed than I thought I would be. I've spent time in a group hanging out with him lately, and while I absolutely delight in his personality, there is definitely an insurmountable distance between us. The funny thing is, it's not something I want to bridge, because I have a companion, and I have friends who seek me out -- there's no way to bridge it, really, Jim just doesn't have any close friends. Ryan is the only one. And La. But he's pulling away there too.

So one by one our group has pulled away -- Ryan went first and now Jim. And of course I'll always know them, and I will always be able to count on them if I were in great need, and whenever i see them they're definitely the kind of people who I can always hug straight out -- but we don't talk and we're not going to get closer, and I've stopped trying to hold on to what they don't want. I stopped years ago romantically, and I realized that the frienship part is slipping too. I guess it's running it's natural course. There'll always be mutual respect.

In general I feel a little non-plussed by my life this week though, too. Maybe the all the excitement of the past few weeks has de-sensitized me. I feel a little waxy on the outside. I am in need of a liminal moment.

Speaking of which, La, Jim, Chrissy, and Leslie are going to Joshua Tree to camp this weekend. I am so JEALOUS. I have wanted to go for AGES. We all promised each other we'd go as soon as the girls got here, but they picked this weekend to do it! When I'm gone!!

But if I went I think I'd just be a bit waxy there too, maybe it's better this way. I need a little break, I need some time alone, and I need some Dean.

Waxy has reminded me

of something sexy:

Hot

Candle

Wax

(only 6 hours until I see my lover!)