2003-03-23 - 11:39 a.m.

Meanwhile, I am so sad about the state of the world, and for the first time I am really ashamed to be an American. I don't want to live in Canada. I don't want to live anywhere else but here. I love America. I just hope that we have elected the right people, representatives and senators who can stand up against this administration, save our rights and freedoms, and can lead us with vision into the future.

I do believe 2012, the end of the Mayan Calander, is going to bring a major change in the world. That's only 9 years away. I hope it's something good, not a nuclear war or something. Anyway, I feel that we've got 9 years to live our lives as much as possible before the state of the world changes radically.

I've been listening to too much Coast to Coast lately, I know that. I love that show.

Meanwhile . . . I was in a funk earlier this week, putting pressure on myself, the same fight I have with myself over accomplishments or lack thereof, and I came up with a new idea about my writing that made me feel better, like I have a goal now to work towards. I feel much better.

My Dad broke up with his wife. And I saw Ryan this week and he was with Leslie and he still wasn't in love with her but they were talking about moving to Nashville together and it was clear to me that he was going to marry that girl and be with her forever, even though she finishes his sentences for him and I bet she cuts up the food on his plate for him too. It kinda made me sad about love.

And then I came to see Dean and realized how beautiful things really can be between people. And when you're face to face with the love of your life it's hard not to let your troubles melt away and fall into just enjoying your life, enjoying the silly and the sex and the love.

I hope I never become the kind of person I wouldn't respect - I hope I never become naggy or bitchy or clingy or boring, i hope my relationship never gets like that and that if we ever got close to it we would stop ourselves and find the passion and work it out. I don't want to end up lonely and crazy like my Dad.

And you know I love La very much and that's one thing that is really special about the friendship I have with her. I know if I got like that she would tell me. We really can say anything to each other, and we point out each other's flaws in a nice way when it's really important. I'm really glad I have her in my life. We keep each other on track. We went out to Goldfingers for cocktails this week after all and I realized we just need to make time for each other.

I'm just rambling today. I'm tired of reading diaries that are written for everyone else. I need something for me first. If that means I don't put out as pretty a face on this diary, so be it.