2003-10-09 - 12:29 p.m.

I let go of the old patterns, the old cycles of thought

I forgive myself for making mistakes which are human, like letting myself get walked over or manipulated

I let go of embarassment by her behavior as I understand that she is not me and I am not judged by her actions

I accept the duality that I can love her and have other feelings towards her too

I appreciate that she really does love me, regardless of her behavior

I understand now why I have chosen other people in my life, why I have let them push my buttons too, why I have let people treat me badly at times because it was easier than fighting, I understand where this has come from, and by understanding myself, I can change, I can recognize when this is happening and how I want to act differently

I have to say I was proud of myself for how I've responded to all the dramas of La and my mom of late . . . I really AM growing up! I am letting people feel however they want and not engaging myself in making them feel better or like me more or figuring themselves out, each person is on their own journey and they can be however they want, it doesn't have to concern me . . .

So I am feeling better today, more upbeat, I have alot in my life to be happy about, and there's no need to over-analyze things, even my mom, her visit is over, she isn't here anymore, *I* am here and this is *my life* and today is *my day* to enjoy as I please . . .

I am really looking forward to being in Santa Cruz tomorrow, seeing Dean who I have barely spoken with over the last 2 weeks . . . I miss him and want to kiss him and lay with him and talk and laugh. It is so easy to be around him, to delight in every day--

He came to visit at my house a couple of weeks ago and we pulled the tv into my bedroom and just camped out for the weekend and laughed and talked and it was one of the best weekends of my life! it felt so GOOD. And we went on an adventure to the Philisophical Research Society and saw Lost in Translation and we dreamed of going to Japan together and travelling and I smiled so much my cheeks were hurting by the end of the weekend . . .

THAT is who I am, who I am when I'm with him, THAT is how I want to live my life all the time, and I do for the most part, but its easier when you have a companion, someone who wants to be as lighthearted as you . . .This is why Dean is my best friend, closest to my heart, he sees *me*