2004-02-09 - 8:26 p.m.

And even then I haven't answered so many e-mails or done all the work I should have done at work or even begun to write in my diary! And I still have a 1-2 hour drive home. There just isn't enough time in the day!

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So much is happening for me lately -- I'll start by writing about one of the very best nights of my life, the night I met PAUL LAFFOLEY I shouldn't put his name here, because that will make this searchable, but I have to spread the word about this fantastic human being. WITH A LION'S PAW FOR A FOOT.

NO LIE. He really has a LIONS PAW instead of a human foot! He lost his leg, and had it replaced with a fantastical one that looks like a Lion's leg with a Lion's paw - it's even furry! When I met him, he let me pet it!

So I went to this event, Invisible College and he was there, speaking, showing slides of his paintings - The man is BRILLIANT and so entertaining too.

I first heard of him from reading an interview with him in a book from Disinformation, The Dinsinformation Interviews, and it straight just BLEW MY MIND.

So on this occasion he talked about so many things I had to take out a notebook and take notes, he talked about his paintings, I really can't describe them, you'll have to do some research and check them out, but they incorporate symbols not in the sign/message sense of the word but in the true sense of the word, where a symbol can actually be a magical sigil, it can actually affect things in your mind, it can be something that is activated to link you to another idea or another conciousness or another dimension . . . I don't think I'm explaining this very well or making any sense so I think I should stop explaining that which I don't have a complete understanding or grasp of.

Paul also talked about his experiences with alien technology, through an implant in his brain he found as an adult allthough he has no recollection of ever having an abduction experience, also through his encounter with an abductee named Guiseppit (sp?) Conti, who gave him a coin with symbols on it that had strange properties (you could poke a hole through the coin with a needle and a string and the string would come out the other side and the coin would heal up and appear impenetrable again), and how the coin was around his neck on a string when it was stolen from him by a man whose name is in my notes but not in my brain right now who later went on to found the Raleins (sp?) that bizarre group of people in Canada who say they cloned a child.

Paul also told a very interesting story involving Claude Bragdon, (designer of the 4-D Hypercube) and how Claude was able to morph through multiple dimensions and one night in the basement of the Shelton Hotel where he lived he was able to become a shadow, but got stuck and needed help to come back to this side of things. I think Paul said that he read this in an interview with Robert Heinlein.

Anyway, I could listen to him talk for hours, and I can't wait to see his artwork in person, and I really enjoyed hearing him speak and then briefly thanking him, and shaking his hand and paw afterwards. Thrilling!

I also got to meet someone else whom I respect who was in attendance, R.M., who was very polite and friendly (though I was very shy, having not had a single cocktail!)

So Thursday Feb. 5 was a thrilling evening for me -- I only wish that Dean could have been there.

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On Friday I went out to Dinner with Leslie and Chrissy and it was so refreshing to get to hang out with them, I hadn't really hung out with them in what seems like ages because when we go out in a group with La, she seems to dominate the evenings (intentionally or unintentionally). We had a great time and sat up drinking like the olden days -- I miss those good times. We have not been partying like that in months, because of lack of money, but also because we don't want to encourage La, who has not been a very good drunk.

But at 2 am La did come home with her new date and it was his birthday and she was a pleasant drunk this time and we stayed up and made merry and all was good in the world. I like her new beau, he's a good guy. Surprisingly, he went to school with Ry and knows Ry and his girlfriend and Jim very well!!

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Saturday I saw Dean's parent's, whom I ADORE, when I took La to pick up her car from their shop. They invited me and Dean to one of his father's vintage car races next Sunday, and later I talked to Dean and we're planning to go, and we'll even get to be down watching the race with the pit crew! How exciting! Yay! I can hardly wait until next weekend!

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Sunday I bummed out realizing my financial troubles. I decided to skip going to see Miss Satanica's fire-eating and burlesque show that I had been looking forward to, just to save the $5 and the embarassment of not affording to buy a drink. Isn't that pathetic? I have got to take care of my finances! Yet I am too lazy to get a second job.

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Today my mom wrote me and said that she is coming home from Romania, *soon*. She had a falling out with the people that run her program -- or rather, they mistreated her! And she has decided that she can't stay on for 3 more years and deal with this. I don't blame her - She has done so much good for the children there, she has served Christ as a good and faithful servant, she has done *enough*. I am behind her one hundred percent.

More than that, I didn't go off to her in the e-mail, but this is my diary so I can really sound-off here:

HOW DARE THEY TREAT MY MOTHER LIKE THAT!

Here's what they did - They decided she should have an evaluation, like with any employer, that's fine. But they carried it off like an inquisition, asking her to answer totally picky questions in writing, going behind her back and asking all of her romanian friends and contacts about her, sparking rumors that she was going to having to leave Romania, undermining her work there, and then on top of it all they sent an email out to other people she works with and friends of the organization saying that her term with them was "undecided."

UNDECIDED?

This woman gives up everything she owns, she leaves her friends and family and her country, to move to a frozen blip on the planet in Eastern Europe, where she doesn't speak the language, where there are no vegetables, to visit the worst orphanages in the world every single day, devoting her life to helping these kids, crying by herself at home every night about how depressing things are for these kids, working her ass off full-time, all of this for only $18,000 a friggin' year, for the LOVE OF GOD (literally)

And these people want to give her shit about how she does her job??!!

AAAAAAAARRRGGGH!!

The one thing about this that made me feel a tiny bit good is that she wrote:

"I apologize for ever leaving my precious baby girl for one minute in that house hold"

which made me feel good because one time I stayed in those people's house while mom was out of town and they treated me horrible! In fact, they never liked me and I think they're really critical, controlling people. But the work they started in Romania is so honestly GOOD that I never felt I could criticize them. It's nice to know Mom has finally seen them for who they are.

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Bad news. Just as I wrote this and was feeling good, writing about how wonderful my mom is, she sent me another e-mail. In her first email she had said that she would be coming home and wanted to know what my plans were so she could try and get a job near me. I wrote her back explaining about my desire to move to Santa Cruz. I know it was a little early to tell her about me and Dean, but she asked, and I wanted to be honest. This is her response:

"Thank you for your letter. Why aren't you planning on graduate school in Santa Cruz?

I hope you rethink your plan here. We had a situation where we have this terrible driver here in Tulcea. We want to get rid of him -so we decided to sell the van. Fred, wisely so, asked - why sell the van when you want to get rid of the driver. Changing your entire life all over again, is just not wise. If you want a permanent change- then you and Dean should get married. Then go forward together -richer or poorer.

You are making the same decision you did with Jim and you will have, sadly, the same results. I know you will resist and sat no no no - but think about how in love you were etc.

If you do move to Santa Cruz- look for a job before you go. If you go there without having a job- what will you eat? GET YOUR OWN APARTMENT -only you will not be able to afford it.

You cannot just throw away your career time and time again.

You are worth him having to struggle. Please do not do this -you will be putting yourself at the bottom of the heap again. Build on your strenghts and continue from where you are.

I am not writing this to be mean - Please go see a psychologist or someone you can talk to about this. There is a definite pattern of fear of suceeding to your life. You need to go to school. If you were ging to school in Santa Cruz -this would be a different ball game. You cannot just move there and hope things will work out."

I just don't know how to respond to this -- it's like she's working at me with some king of Mom-logic that sounds irrefutable -- because it's the distant voice of my childhood that used to have a hold on me. . .

I shouldn't have to defend myself, but I'd just like to point out that things ARE different in my life, I'm not the same girl that moved in with Jim, Jim was a kid that I had to take care of, neither of us knew what we wanted out of life, Jim was incapable (at the time) of emotional/spiritual/intellectual depth, we were on insane drugs at the time, my best friend had an affair with him, there are so many reasons why this didn't work out and I'm SO GLAD it didn't because I wouldn't want to be with Jim now -

And allof that has NOTHING to do with me and Dean, we are two completely different people!

As for my career goals, I feel incapable of describing them to mom because I feel like I'm moving out further and further into left field, into the realm of the unpredictable, into the life of an artist, I feel like I am going on a journey that is my own, as the spirit moves me, to the place of greatest spiritual power, to experience and create things that are unknown, I'm taking chances with my life that are not safe, but that will pay off, I'm being guided by my truest self, towards a life of greatest authenticity, and this life is an experimental . . .

But what would have happened if Jack Kerouc had listened to his aunt and hadn't left on his cross-country journey of poverty and insanity?

What would have happened if Bob Dylan had stayed in Minnesota because he had a good job there?

Do I have delusions of grandeur?

My delusion is that I really will go off on my own journey, like James Baldwin, and write some really great books. I'm not as good a writer as James Baldwin, but I haven't allowed myself the time and freedom to really practice! To give it everything and try!

It's so hard to believe in your own personal myth, when someone else is putting a mirror in front of your face and showing you how human you are.

Thanks alot, mom.