2004-08-08 - 11:22 a.m.

So I moved to Santa Cruz a month ago!! I am now living with Dean!! This is my dream come true!! It has now been 4 weeks and everything feels so easy and natural between us -- on the one hand I keep pinching myself when I look over at him and realize that we get to *live* together now, that we made this wonderful thing happen, it seems very dreamlike to get what you want in life, it's almost too good to be true!! But other times it's so natural the way we interact with each other around the house it seems like it has always been this way . . .

So my last week in LA was CRAZY. I worked my ass off at my job trying to get everything done before I left. I went out to dinner with different friends each night to hang out one last time, and then I would get home late and I still had packing to do! Of course I didn't get to see every person again before I left, and I really did run out of time, it's too bad. There is one person from my magick class I really wanted to see before I left, but in the end it's probably better that I didn't. It's hard enough to leave --

My last day at work my boss Sally gave me a QUILT that she MADE HERSELF. Can you believe it? She must have worked for a month on that!! And it was soooo beautiful!! I can't believe she gave it to me -- I was just her secretary, and only for a year! I was blown away! And everyone at work put money together in a pool and bought me some really cool Getty memorabelia from the bookstore - again, not necessary! I have a feeling that will remain for all time the best job I've ever had, people were just so nice to me there. I don't know what to do to reciprocate, but I think if I have any money at Christmas I will send a food basket or something to the department. I especially hated leaving my boss, because she's so amazing, and I think she was really surprised that I left so soon, and I think things are a little political for her there and I think it was nice for her to have an assistant that was so drama-free. She gave me a quilt!! Has anyone's boss ever made them a quilt before? I don't think so!

Dean flew down and spent the weekend helping me and the girls clean the house and pack - I couldn't have done it without his help. It happened to be the weekend of the Lotus festival at the park, so late on Sunday evening after we had the car packed and the house mostly done we walked down to the festival for dinner. It was such a hot evening and all of the families in the neighborhood were all at the park, and there is this beautiful view of downtown from there, it was a nice place to say goodbye to the city.

Dean and I were finally leaving for the 6 hour drive to Santa Cruz at about 9pm -and so the girls all walked me out to the car and as we were making our goodbyes a ladybug landed on my shoulder - That was such a good sign (where on earth did the ladybug come from in the middle of the city? It was definitely a good omen!) And then I hugged the girls and we all started to tear up and Dean and I pulled out of the driveway as the tears about to flow, but then I kept bumping the curb on the way out and everyone was standing there watching me pull out and we all broke up laughing instead. And as I got onto the highway and looked over at Dean and how happy he was about me coming to live with him, I cried anyway, out of happiness.

The first week I spent in Santa Cruz was literally just me and Dean blissing out, having sex all the time and playing video games and watching movies. Fun!

It was weird because when I first arrived that week I really wanted to get the house in order, put all my stuff away, get settled in -- I guess I wanted to make sure that this home felt like my place, too. I was antsy for the first two weeks really about my stuff, where to put it, how to organize the kitchen in a way I could use it, and there were a couple of times when it was weird for Dean, i think, allthough he didn't really say anything to me about it. I imagine he felt that this kind of housework was 1) unimportant (compared to spending time together) and 2)bizarre - like all of a sudden I came in to run his life and move his stuff around! I felt a little out of sorts too, so I quit doing housework. Now, 4 weeks later, the place is still a mess, but we're very happy together. I think I was so obsessed for those few days(in my mind i was obsessed)because I really wanted to fit in here, to feel like this was "our" place and not just Dean's - and also, especially after living in LA, I have had a really hard time just hanging out and not *doing something* you know? Like I've been so used to always being on the go and getting shit done and not resting, that it was hard for me to take a break. I'm really proud of myself that I let up on myself this time.

Then we went to Comic-Con!! We went with Dean's brother and it was fun hanging out with him and getting to know him. His brother's a lot of fun, and it's really cool to see the way Dean and his brother are such good friends. I guess it would be like that for me and Teresa if we lived in the same place - When I lived in B.C. a couple of years ago Teresa and I still lived so far away from each other that it was difficult getting togher as much as we both wanted.

Anyway, Comic-con was totally inspiring! We didn't make it to any of the panels, the only person I really wanted to see was Ray Bradbury (I saw him once when I was 14 and Ray Bradbury totally inspired me then and changed my life and made me want to be a sci-fi writer!!) but we had such a blast - I tried to dress up as outrageously as possible every day and it was fun getting to wear goggles and goth coats and star trek shirts and the like in public, and I think Dean got a kick out of me dressing up so crazy too. I have this person in my mind that I want to be, this person who dresses outrageously and goes on ridiculous adventures and more and more I am becoming that person - life is good! The best thing about the convention was meeting so many people who were all doing their thing and writing ridiculous stories and realizing that there is a forum for this kind of creativity - Comic books! Comic writers and artists are thinking on a really archetypal level about the world and the possibilities in it and they are all living their dream - I fell in love with Comic books all over again and me and Dean and Jay talked about all the things we were going to write and do and it was such a great experience.

Driving home from Comic-con was one of those crazy road-trips of legend -- We left San Diego at 10, arrivedin LA at 12, stopped in to see Leslie and Chrissy until 1 (It was sooooo great to see them. I miss them like crazy!)and then started the 6 hour drive at 1 am! Dean's lisense is temporarily suspended (unpaid ticket that has since been cleared up) but that night to be safe I was doing the driving, and so we drove in the blackest night all night long, listening to Coast to Coast AM and talking and we hit Salinas around 6 am, just before dawn, and there was traffic as all of the farm workers were going to the fields to begin their days work. I got to see a bit of farm life that I normally would never see and the sunrise over the fields where everything was *growing* was so beautiful. We rolled into Santa Cruz at 7 but were so jacked up from the caffine of the drive that we smoked out and stayed up until 9 am just to chill. So much fun!

The next week was me looking for a job, and I have to say that I kind of stressed about this too, because Dean has been floating me and the last thing I want is for money to ever be an issue between us, so I was antsy to get a job, but also very picky because I want to work someplace that is close to home and that I'll like. I got a job in what felt like no time at the local comicbook store here!

So now I am learning all about Comics from the inside out and it is really cool to be able to share in what has been Dean's lifelong passion, because I'm learning more and reading more each day and now I can understand Dean and Aaron when they speak their what had been mysterious comic speak! The job pays for shit and so of course I will eventually have to get another job that is higher paying and has benefits, but for a summer job this is just great for me.

One great thing about the job, for me, is that I walk to work!! No more hour and a half commutes to work in the car! No more 50 bucks a week spent on gas! I am LIVING MY LIFE OUTSIDE OF THE CAR! It's so beautiful here, too - walking has been such a pleasure, a little bit of exercise and meditation in the morning. I know there will be rainy days or winter days when I'll still want to drive, but for now, this is just perfect!

Also, I met a friend at work. After the first night we had a shift together that got off late, we went out for a cocktail at the coolest bar across the street and ended up having such a great time and becoming fast friends. Her name is M and she is from Isreal and she reminds me so much of Leslie, a little younger than Leslie. So it is cool to have someone that I can call to hang out with. And of course there's Gabriella, but I have been so enjoying my time with Dean I haven't called her to hang out yet - I must do this soon!

I'm still a little self-conscous around Dean, even after 4 weeks, because it's impossible to keep my legs perfectly shaved, and Dean is so fit I'm a bit self-consious of my figure (I'd like to be more in-shape) and living with someone every day you can't hide your imperfections -But day by day my self-consciousness is wearing off as I'm starting to really believe all of the things Dean tells me every day, I'm really trusting Dean's love for me to a deeper level and that feels amazing.

Deep down I guess there is still some residual fear in me that Dean will love me less for living with him, because my mom has warned me about that (I really have got to remind myself to ignore her advice!) and because of how Jim fell out of love with me when we lived together so many years ago -- but you know I believe in *magick* and I think that magick is just another name for the truth that whatever you believe will happen, whatever you think about, will manifest itself -- and if you believe things will fail they will - but if you believe life is wonderful and things will only get better - they do! And Dean and I are both going into this without any reservations or doubts, just blissing out being together and loving each other and treating each other so great - We're making magick together, casting this net of love around us and life really is that good.

I haven't started any new writing projects since I've been here, but I am feeling something growing inside of me for sure. I've been having really crazy dreams lately (inspired by all the comics, i think!) and Dean suggested I should turn some of them into stories, and that's not a bad idea . . . The problem is that I can't remember my dreams! I need to get back in practice of remembering them and writing them . . .

I just feel so optimistic about everything . . . I hope to find a qi-gong or ba qua class to take with Dean, he's been teaching me some, and I really want to do that because I read this article about how good qi gong is for energy work, it makes you more psychic and increases your psychic energy --- but if that doesn't work out they're giving wing chun classes at the community center a block away and that would be fine, too - I want to learn some martial arts in order to 1)be able to defend myself, not feel vulnerable when I go out alone 2)get fit! 3)transform myself into an ass-kicking kung-fu superhero!

Cabrillo college has Japanese classes, I've missed the fall semester sign-up but in the spring I am definitely going to sign up for a japanese class in the evenings. If I want to live in Japan someday, I need to know the language! Also, I think it will help me with my writing, it is always so inspirational to think in another language, because language shapes so much of the meaning of things, learning a new language makes you think in new ways . . .

I can't believe I'm actually here - I did it!! Moving to Santa Cruz is just one more proof to me that your life can be anything you want it to be, that you can go and do as you please, you just have to make it happen! Now I'm here, I never could have predicted 2 years ago that I'd be here today, and I love that about my life. I love that it keeps moving along and going unexpected places, I hope that my whole life I am still so open to changes and new things!

Gotta go - my girl Yun is on the phone!