2000-06-20 - 13:36:41

Somehow the age seems so big - I mean inside I feel so young and beautiful, but when I think about the age 24 - thats heavy - So many people have "made it" by that age - and even my Dad had 2 kids and a wife by age 24. Me, I don't have my shit together at all.

I feel like crying today. I really can't put my finger on why. Theres no reason. It's my birthday - I should be happy, right? And my friends have been nothing but wonderful - I stayed over at Leslie's house last night and she totally showered me with Love and gave me a very prized possession of hers, a rare african drum which she got as a child from her Dad's theatre, I really am touched - Maybe I'm crying out of the profound love I feel has been shown to me - or maybe out of an unknown sadness.

My birthday party plans all fell through - we were going to go camping and do mushrooms but we couldn't get the mushrooms - so then we were going to go camping, but everyone backed out except Jim and Larissa - we had to go to huntsville to pick up Ryan at the last moment and then it was raining so we didn't go camping - we ended up camping out in Adam's living room (we set up the tent and everything! The vibe between the four of us was very good and we drank coronas and smoked a joint and roasted marshmellows by candlelight) But then yesterday I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the tent . . . because even though Larissa and Ryan and Jim were as loving to me as always, and even though they had driven all this way to party and camp with me and are always so awesome to me - I still felt lousy.

And then Jim and Larissa decided to stay another night to spend as much time with Ryan as possible - but since I had to work today I had to drive home alone last night by myself. And it was a long sad drive - I was dissappointed that I was missing my friends and that I had to work - but when I talked to Larissa about calling in and not coming into work today she pretty much told me that she wanted to spend last night without me so that she could have time alone with Jim and Ryan. I just get the feeling lately that the three of them would much rather be with each other than hang out with me - that I am peripheral in their lives. So I drove home alone last night and felt sad.

And we met Ryan's grandma yesterday and she completely doted on Larissa and talked about how Ryan had confided in her about his excitement of her coming to California - and I realized that she is definitely THE ONE in his eyes, and in his grandma's eyes, and I can't believe I'm still holding onto all these feelings for him- they are never going to be returned - yet I can't help the way I feel. And so I guess I had hoped Jim would come home with me last night if Larissa was going to stay, just to pay me some attention, just to sleep in my bed one night of his stay with us - but he decided to stay with them. And I can't blame him for staying - he wouldn't have if I had told him that it wouldn't be cool with me - I did tell him that I preferred for him to come with me, but I can't force my will on other people - and I want to avoid making them feel guilty for doing their own thing since they have no responsibility to me. And the rest of the week Jim is going to be with larissa, and then she'll be with Ryan the weekend - and even though when we're all together the vibe is good and I enjoy myself - when I'm alone I feel sad and left out.

I talked to Dad just now - he called me at work to wish me a happy birthday - I completely burst into tears on the phone with him - he told me that there was some kind of sad place in me that would always be there, that it comes from childhood, that at those rare few times when i am alone and I feel for whatever reason that I really need or want someone there with me, but noone comes through - that its going to bring that sadness up. So I guess that explains it . . .

Its my party and I can cry if I want to