2000-06-21 - 13:27:49

So I was sad all day and when I got home Larissa had gone to work but Jim was there - and we started talking, openly, and I started crying again - Then we decided to cheer up and have a good time so we went and picked up Leslie and headed for Larissa's bar - When we got there, Ryan was there (he had had car trouble and didn't want to leave)I was so thrilled to have Ryan there. So we drank in Larissa's bar with her a good long while and then went to Tripps - (at Tripps we saw John Bruce who was friendly to me - but not really - it was dissappointing - it was my birthday you know?) After Tripps we went to Bamboo Luau and had giant drinks with flaming volcanos on the inside! (It was really absurd and fun) Then we went back to Larissa's bar. So for this, the majority of the evening, I was having a wonderful time and enjoying everyone

The evening so far had been drama-free and it continued to be so between me, larissa, jim, and ryan. When we got back to the bar it was around 12:30 or 1 - Leslie grew sullen all of a sudden - Why? My guess is only love for Larissa, but who knows - in any event she and Ryan and jim continued to get stupid drunk and Leslie made a huge scene and stomped off and ran away and you know what it was my birthday and I really could only follow her so far - then I gave up and set myself to the task of enjoying myself, and Jim and Ryan made efforts to catch and console her.

At 2 am I got tired of all of it, tired in general, I had had my birthday fun but I needed to sleep so I could get up for work the next day. I offered to drive Leslie home, but she refused to leave. So I went and slept in Jim's car. At 4 we left the bar in a herd - Larissa taking Leslie home and with Jim riding with her, and Ryan riding with me. Ryan and Jim and Leslie were just stupid drunk - Jim could hold his liquor and be much more chill than the rest of them, but Ryan was cartoonish with his torn jeans and his flip flops and he was falling down and couldn't speak and completely passed out in the car on the way home - Leslie was just wild and sullen - Larissa says she broke a door in her bar and made a huge scene and that her boss Tommy is probably going to fire her tommorrow - Leslie in particular but Jim and Ryan too got so drunk that they completely embarrassed Larissa and made her look very bad. And Me - I could have spent alot of energy rounding them up and calming them down, but you know what? they're adults and I shouldn't have to baby sit them. So I didn't - I was able to get some kind of rest in the backseat for my work today and that was good.

So all in all I did have a good birthday, but I think its lousy and selfish of Leslie to cause such a scene - and while I enjoy drinking with my friends I am tired of taking care of them when they're sloppy like that - I had some important revelations. I think I needed something to help me move on, help me get past the adoration I have for Jim and Ryan - and this did it. I'm not angry, I just had a reality check and they are/can be dumbasses. Seeing Ryan like that helped me realize that I don't really want him - I want to be with an adult. And it showed me Larissa - because through this whole thing she was very chill and she told me she was angry with Leslie for acting like that and I know Larissa was genuinely concerned about my happiness.

At 5 am after we had gone home and put Ryan to bed, Jim and Larissa and I stayed up and smoked a doobie - and Jim was really awesome and loving to me about my birthday and he praised my joint-rolling skills and I just feel so glad that after all we've been through we can be friends like we are. I wish that we could have skipped the 3 hours of drama and just chilled out like that on my birthday.

Leslie just called while I was writing this- she was so sad about last night - she really had no idea what she was doing she said - I really can't take it personally because I know she wasn't acting like that to put a bummer on my evening - its just that she's like that when she gets too drunk. So we talked - and I don't want to stop drinking at all, but I am not down with competetiveness and I think we are all good when we get drunk but we've got to learn when to say when - I hope that we can create a group vibe that encourages taking it slower - because I don't want to just have a million more nights like last night.

The only other dissappointment to the birthday: I didn't get any play. This talk here isn't about love - this is about sex and I guess I had hoped sometime this week I might happen upon some. I'm really not jealous of Larissa and any of her emotional attatchments as much as I am of the fact that she gets double the sex. Really now. It was my birthday. I look good. I'm talkin about some sex, and that's my problem- I'm talkin and not having.