2000-05-31 - 00:23:19

Dreaming lately, repeatedly of Ry . . . I had a particularly strange dream last week that involved me talking on the phone with him long distance on an old black rotary phone and I was in the basement room of a house with white walls and a white winding staircase - La was upstairs waiting to use the phone to speak with him and in my dream Ry was wanting to talk to only me . . . and then the dream got funky because a young man in a wheelchair appeared and I think it was the embodyment of Ry, but as a cripple, and I sat in his lap and pressed my cheek to his cheek and we began to spin, or to dance in the wheelchair and we were crying, and then we stopped dancing and La called for the phone and I brought it back upstairs to her . . .

What do dreams mean? I could buy a book of dream interpretation, but I think there's no point in looking outside yourself for dream interpretation . . Whatever meaning it has for you when you ask yourself "What is the meaning of this? How did you feel in your dream? What could this or that be a symbol of?" So when I ask myself those questions about my dreams, I come up with answers . . . I guess the dream reveals my underlying love for Ry, and perhaps jealousy for La . . . Which I have been trying to overcome for some time now and feel in the last couple of weeks after speaking with La that it is finally happening. . . Leslie read my I Ching yesterday, and the question in my mind was in relation to my relationship with Ry - and the I Ching interpretation gave advise regarding Kien . .

Daydreaming of my roadtrip endlessly . . . I feel as though I have come to a new place in my life, a new level of conciousness, a deeper self-awareness and I am just beginning a new leg of my journey . . . and I want a new scenery and a new set of experiences to deepen that. I find it so difficult to motivate myself for ritual and for writing/creative expression in this city, I have so many demands on my time including friends and work that I put myself and my work last . . .

I have been thinking alot lately of what La said to me in the graveyard on Thursday- her vision of me - she said that she could see that I was going to be great, that I was going to do great things, that I was going to be known and appreciated by many people, she said she could see this shining around me, that to look at me she could see my future pushing me up, she asked me not to forget her, she sang the line from an old church him "Remember me, when you come into your kingdom"

when she had her vision, I had no doubt she was deep in vision . . . I admit that from my secret black heart I had occasionally thought of her as putting on airs - as making statements about herself that were what she would like to believe about herself - I had thought that perhaps she did not have any more vision than anyone else, but just talked about it more and made people believe she was special due to spiritual vision, because she did not have enough confidence in her other abilities or qualities of self and wanted to be different, elevated from others. She had said that she thougtht this was her last life, she had told me of ghosts and visions and I believed her because I knew there was truth in what she said, but I did not believe her to be more gifted spiritually . . . Now I feel completely different, not just because of my witness of her vision the other night but because of my belief in the undying goodness of her heart - before I was not fully trusting the good ness of La's heart and now I do . . . And when she had her vision it wasn't just something she was saying to me, she was raving stumbling quivering eyes wide wide open open snake around her neck crying shivering whispering posessed gray haired clothed in layers of rags skin shining reflecting moonbeams

and she told me not to be afraid

and noone has ever looked at me like that before, I have thought of myself as very ambitios in the sense that I want nothing to do with an ordinary life in this ordinary time, I want to be extraordianary, I want to learn every skill possible and learn them well, I want to be so unique and fabulous that I make an impression on a person when I meet them, I want to travel and have seen so much of the world, I want to have a thousand stories to tell, I want to play every instrament, I want to write poems and songs and stories and books and I want to photograph and I want to art - this is everything I want to do on the physical level

on the spiritual level, I want to learn my innermost self, I want to commune with the spiritual world, I want to tune myself into nature and to spirit and to metaphysical, I want to learn how to channel my strange wild scattered energy and gather it into a healing spirit with a focus, I want to live a spiritual life, I want to make meaning every day, i want to learn candle magic

I am impatient.

Where to start?

Daily self-cultivation, says La's little 365 book of Tao
a little bit of practicing guitar
a little bit of reading of Tao
a little bit of meditation
a little bit of sunbathing
a little bit of writing
a lot of patience
a lot of listening
no fear
and I will be farther down the road, and eventually, maybe I will make it to greatness

And back to my thoughts concerneing La, There was a time when I worshipped her, I was in love with her, I put her on a pedastal and she could do no wrong and I thought I would never be like her, - and later I resented her, jealous of attention she received from Jim and Ry and in my secret black heart I thought perhaps she wan't worthy of appreciation and that her magic and witchyness were not grounded in any spiritual gifts - but now I feel that she really is everything she claims to be, a shaman a healer, a see-er - and I see that her gifts are unique to her - I think that she has an opening in that demension that other people don't have that makes her sacred -

I went into her room yesterday to use her mirror and I ended up looking through her little book of Tao - the book's first entry is about Beginning, and it talks about self -cultivation, - I remember when I used to live with her in college lo those many years ago she used to read that same book, one page meditation a day - and I realixed that allthough some of La's spiritual gifts are completely her own, on the other hand part of what makes her such a wonderful person is her devotion to self-cultivation - to seeking the path to enlightenment, to seeking to know herself, to seeking to respond with love and courage to the world around her, to develop her gifts and talents - and by doing this step by step a little bit each day, she has come to be more real and more passionate - and that this is something that anyone and everyone can benefit from, this following your bliss and seeking to know yourself and self-cultivation is universal

I used to avoid some of this self-cultivation that I witnessed La do because I thought that it would be imitating her - and for a long time in our friendship we both had issues about imitating each other - she did not want me to read certain books of hers and she kept certain parts of herself hidden from me because she didn't want me to take some of that knowledge away from her - and I was reluctant to learn some of her same knowledge because I didn't want to make it seem like I was doing so - But we have reached a wonderful point in our friendship where we really trust each other and value each other and see each other as incredibly unique - she is beginning to teach me the things from her I have always wanted to learn, like herbalism and drumming and I am sharing with her all that I can offer as well - I know it will be only too soon before we go our separate ways and already I am starting to understand the impact of that - I know I will look back on this time in my life and fondly remember it, I know I will be brought to tears with the memory of La in my world, I know I that little moments and phrases will reverberate in my mind for years and years to come from living with her, and I will be struck at times with profound joy and sadnes at the remberence of those moments, just as I am sometimes struck like that with a memory of Jim.

When La and I first moved in together life was really tough - I was trying to make it on my own, and I was trying to build my frienship with her - but everywhere I turned I was reminded of Jim. Grocery shopping was one of the worst things - I went through the store and didn't know what to buy, because I was so used to picking out the foods I knew Jim would like, or would eat - I went to the cheese aisle and was stunned at the array of cheddar, thinking to myself - I should be some of the shredded kind so Jim can sprinkle this on his pizza or make his nachos . . and then I realized there was no Jim. And each time I went to the graveyards I could only thing of the times Jim and I would go with a bottle of Southern Comfort with Billy and skulk around with Jim talking at the top of his lungs

And now I know I will feel the same with La, it will be hard to put flowers in a vase and not think of her, it will be hard to buy beer and not think of Red Dog - And now when I go to cemetaries I will think of the nights La and I went alone with a bottle of Champagne or a 12 pack of cheep beer and got drunk and peed and looked for spirits -

I have one sister and 2 brothers . . .
a sister who is magical mad singer seer shining spirit
a brother who is music moment passion razor-grave-edge
a brother who is missed

I guess what I really want is to someday have the chance to know Ry as deeply as I feel we have the potential to - I really don't obsess or think of him continually, I think I am maturing and have a sense of que sera sera about my life - but then there are moments when I am reminded - Like last night I was getting it on with Steve, and it was awesome and I wasn't thinking about anyone but steve, I was enjoying the yummy sexy lover sweat of it and then there came a moment where Steve suggested actual intercourse - he didn't understand how I could get with him in every way, but leave one avenue closed - for him its all the same - and in one sense it is all the same - there is no difference in intimacy between pleasuring with our bodies and mouths, and pleasuring with his penis - its really the same in terms of my pleasure orgasm and intimacy with Steve - but what is different is the actual thought to myself: That the two I have had sex with so far have been Jim and Ry and to have sex with someone else means that I will be putting that person in my list of lovers in my heart - to have sex will mean that there is a possibility, however remote, that we will make a baby human together, and I guess in my heart when steve asked me to have sex there's no real rational reason why not - but what was going through my mind was the hidden knowledge that I am in love with Ry. I know I have no responsibility to Ry (he is at this very moment sexing with La) but somewhere in my heart I feel that if you are in love you are loyal to that love - and I shouldn't hold out to wait for Ry as he is going on a long journey of love and adventure with La and may never want to be with me again, but somehow I just can't bring myself to be the first of us (jim Ry and me) to have sex with someone outside our inner circle --

even thought the thought of sex is alluring blissful spent wet smoking gun steaming body collapsed for the cause fallen down smiling up over the edge hair nesting no resting crashed happy