2000-06-02 - 01:32:43

The dream was little and barely mentionable, but I have been thinking of Jim all day and he is on my mind. Tommorrow I drive to Gulf Shores to visit him - its a 6 hour drive. Larissa is out of town visiting Ryan in California, so this is the only time I could borrow her car and drive down to see him alone.

Jim and I have a strange but good relationship - After everything that happened in March when I felt stomped upon - I guess I lost my tension with Jim, I lost the part of me that mooned over him and wanted him in my life, I lost the part of me that missed him on a daily basis. At the time that all of that happened he sort of thought he was in love with me still too, and the drama happened because he insisted on being with Larissa and me both, and Larissa and I were both in love with him and jealous of each other. Now things are different between me and Jim - they are drama free. The ironic part is that now he does see us both - but there is no drama because we are so comfortable and casual with each other, and because I guess it isn't so spelled out as it was at one time. Every time we see each other now we have sex. Its not meaningless sex because it feels really good, and because Jim and I do have a deep caring for each other and so there is tenderness between us. But it is clear from our encounters that what's between us now is physical and there's no emotional price for either of us in this situation. If it were important to someone else we were dating in our lives that Jim and I quit having sex, we would - it isn't really some strong point between us that either of us thinks about at all except right in the moment that it happens. It is something I feel is understood by Larissa, but she and I don't really discuss it - What hurt me at one time was when she looked me in the eye and told me that she was going to be sleeping with Jim that night and put her foot down so to speak - now I am not hurt because I see each of us as having grown so much, as much more whole people (althought in reading what I have just written I know I have much growing left to do) I know that Jim and I will continue our sexual relationship our whole life long - I will always find him sexy and want to get with him, and I believe he feels the same about me - and whatever we have between us really is separate now from any other relationships he or I may have with others - I don't feel jealous of Larissa and Jim at all, I enjoy my time with Jim but I no longer feel that that precludes his having an intense relationship with someone else. And our friendship - its the best its ever been - no pressure, no expectations, sex but no committment, and we are enjoying seeing how each of us lives and changes apart from one another- When we see each other now JIm seems genuinely glad to see me and seems to genuinely look forward to my visits. When I was in Gulf shores last I thought I might leave and come back Sunday, and he asked me to stay another night . . . In my heart I never doubt the deep underlying connection between us, but I never mistake that for romance between us anymore. I like who I am becoming, and I sincerely just dig Jim - I like how he brings me the moment.

I was reading Anais Nin today, and I used to read her and read into her books the relationships between me and Larissa and Jim as if Jim were Henry and me Anais and Larissa June -- but now I read her work again and I feel that our frienships have grown past Anais work- Whatever else you can say about the continuing saga of me and Jim and Ryan and Larissa, there is no deception between us and we are learning to love on a level I don't think Anais touched at the time - I used to read her work and think what a fantastic woman she was, and now I read her work and think to myself, I am almost 24 years old and I can be beautiful and I am creative and I am living living living and there is no woman in the world who is anything that I can't be, if I really wanted to. I find my life no less interesting and I hope to someday write about what has gone on between all of us with the eye of a story teller . . .

Having said all that, with every minute my excitement about seeing Jim increases - I am doing my toenails and dying my hair and shaving my puss and practicing guitar tonight -- And tommorrow at midnight there is a full moon, and we will be on the beach . . . and I will be bringing mushrooms, and who knows what mischeif we will get into . . . I am looking forward to the fun time I know we will always have, because whatever else we do together Jim and I can party together - but I am also looking forward to the hanging out and playing guitar part of it - Because I know this will be the last time I spend time with him alone for a long long while.

He comes to Atlanta to visit both me and Larissa (but mainly Larissa) - I hope that when I move to Colorado or wherever I end up if he will come to visit me just to see me alone . . . It touches me that he calls me at work from time to time - noone else does that and it means alot because I know he is just checking up on me -

(on a side note, in re-reading the above entry, I realize that I feel very differently about Ryan - I really am more sensitive and protective and jealous of Ryan, but I guess that's because I am so sure of me and Jim, because of our history and because of how we are with each other - Jim knows I will always be here for him, and we trust each other and we have had a past that was fully explored - but with Ryan I guess I am still unsure, I guess despite what Ryan says to me I am still concerned that in a couple of years I will just be another Kerrie in his eyes, another woman who loved him who he didn't love back, and later when he explores the cute bunnies of California, I'm afraid of being marganilized in the memory of his mind as just another good fuck. I guess that's harsh, to say I distrust what's up with me and Ryan even after we have spent time talking and I know that he is sincere in his heart and that he has never been hung up on sex or thought of our experiences together as only about that -- allthough the sex was excellent -- I guess what I'm really expressing now is a kind of jealousy and desire for closeness with Ryan that won't be fullfilled - and I need to look at that and figure out in myself what is it that I am seeking, what is it that is wrong with me that is making me question the sincerity of my friend just because he isn't falling in love with me -

The haughty self-righteous part of me I guess is surprised, because I have it in my head that any man would fall in love with me and all i had to do was turn it on in the right ways - I guess I am taking for granted my encounters with Steve and Brandon and Finn and thinking that I have some charm that should attract any man and make him fall madly in love with me - In reality people are people and there is nothing that any one person can do that can make others be or feel any way than who they are - And sincerely the last thing I would want to do is screw with Ryan's head or try to "work it" with him - When I am around him I try to keep a low-profile on purpose -

If things changed for him and clicked for us someday in the distant future, I would be completely open to that - but life is long and there are other sexy creative brilliant men out there, there are plenty for me to meet and frolic with. The counter statement to that is that there's only one Ryan, and that is true - He has a golden heart and a strength of character and tenderness and a creative drive, all of these unlike any other person I have known or believe I will know - but the only way Ryan and me would ever get together again is if Larissa absolutely stomped all over him and he fell out of romantic love with her - And I don't want that to happen because I want them to be happy and to have each other - I am not moving to California and I am not coming within 1000 miles of them- And they do bring out so much good in each other and they are both growing stronger and changing for the better all the time. Maybe they will both change together and grow together and maybe they will choose to make a life together sometime - and if not -- the only way Ryan will ever be with anyone else is if he breaks up with her himself, if he gets hurt again bad enough and his feelings about her change. And for her sake, I hope that doesn't happen.

I know I can't wait around for Ryan, that is like putting the curse of doom on him and Larissa and that's not what I want, I love them and I don't want to curse them or jinx them - but anyone who could possibly come close in my heart to Jim, Ryan, Larissa - would have to be simply spectacular. I wish for myself that I become a spectacular human being and that in my lifetime I have the pleasure of knowing many other spectacular people.