2000-07-27 - 00:42:25

Jim didn�t get into school today

He moved to Atlanta, moved in with us, started this new life for himself, made peace with his parents, and all of this was based on the foundation that he would get into film school here. And he didn�t.

Somewhere deep in the back of my mind I knew there was a possibility of this, and Larissa asked me what if, but I wouldn�t hear of it. I just knew he would get it this time, this time, because he had to. Sometime back long ago before my birthday I considered the remotest of possibilities that this would happen, and I thought � well then he�ll be free to move to California where he should be anyway � then he�ll move in with Ryan and go to school there. But now he can�t. Now he can�t because Larissa wants to be with him and that means she doesn�t want to be with Ryan and that means Jim can�t go now to live with Ryan.

Jim told me in the way he always tells me these kinds of things � expressionless. He said that the guy said he still needed a math and an english class still to get in � and if he took those at a community college this fall, then he would take a look at the application again in the spring. �But it doesn�t really matter,� he says. �I don�t care� he says.

(The school pisses me fuckin off because if he needed the classes to get in they should have told him that 3 months ago when he applied the first time, maybe he could�ve gone to summer school and gotten in this fall � but the way this is now he won�t get in until January � and even then he only said he would �take a look at it.� It sound�s like Jim�s getting the runaround there, and I don�t think they�ll ever let him in. And even when he does get in, its still gonna be 3 or 4 years more of school.

So I can see why Jim�s depressed � I say to Jim � �I know how dissappointed you must feel. I�m really sorry.�

Then I start offering solutions, because I can�t help it, because I am still so involved I want Jim to succeed and be happy more than anybody � so I�m like,:

�You know you could go down there and get a photocopy of all your materials, and we could fax it off to other schools. Maybe you could still get in the fall at another school � and you know that Larissa is only here in town now to stay with you, she would go anywhere--�

�It�s not her fuckin job to go anywhere� he says.

�I know Jim, but I�m just saying that now you�re free, you don�t have to stay in Atlanta, you could go somewhere like California or Vancouver or New York where they make films and get a job in the industry�

�I don�t want a fucking Job, Hillary! I want to be in school � Now I�ll be 23 and not even in school. Now I�ve wasted this whole year, I�ve done nothing, I�m not going anywhere. I�m just not meant to succeed, that�s all, I�m just screwed.�

�I know you don�t want a job, but I�m saying you could go somewhere else and work in the field, and then go back to school in January in new school, there have got to be other film schools in other cities.�

�Look Hillary, you�re not making me feel any better. It�s not your problem alright, you don�t need to worry about me. You�ve got your degree, your life is fine. This is my life and you don�t need to worry about me.�

�But I do worry Jim, because I care about you, I care just as much as you do what happens to you�

�I know, Hillary and I respect that � but I don�t want to talk about it.� He says this as he walks out of the room and closes the door behind him.

So anyway this is how it went --- and now I feel just lousy. I know me offering solutions right off the bat doesn�t help him any, but I just can�t bear the thought that doors have closed for him and he feels like he can�t make it. Its true I do care about what happens to him just as much as he does. It breaks my heart when things don�t work out for him. It makes me cry. It makes me want to take him into my arms � and that isn�t possible. If Larissa were here (she�s out of town overnight) she would do that, she would make him feel better � because she is in a position to do that.

And after she consoles him, what then? Jim�s is staring into a canyon, trying to find a way to cross. And while I will always back him up and be there for him in anyway I can later along the road, he just doesn�t want my friendship or help now- he doesn�t even want to talk it through with me. Which is fine, my pride isn�t hurt � I just don�t want him to feel so bad.

And as for me � I really stayed this fall in part to save money and in part to be with Jim and Larissa � but if Jim isn�t in school there�s really nothing keeping us here. I don�t think its worth Jim trying to get in in the spring � I think doors are closing in Atlanta for a reason, I think we�re all meant to leave . . . I empathize so much with Jim I just feel like lousy.

Lousy is an understatement. I want to hold Jim tight and show him how great he is, I want to go down to the school and scream at someone and cry and make a scene and make them see, I want to make it all better, I want to cry for all the people who want something so bad and get the door slammed in their face, I want to do something, I want to do something - and I'm immobilized.