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2000-07-30 - 02:56:16 Ryan is on my mind this week - I haven't ghought of him much since I saw him last about a month ago after my birthday. And I know that Larissa had gone once more to talk with him and tell him about her feelings for JIm and to let Ryan know that things between them, romantically speaking, wouldn't be happening. So Ryan went back to California and I assume he understood things to be over with him and Larissa . . . And I guess I had this image of him there diligently studying and hurting but growing stronger and I haven't called him or written him and he hasn't called or written any one of us - I'm assuming because he didn't want to be confronted withthe reality of Jim living here and the pain of that choice, and because he needed time to heal. So I figured he would reach out if he needed me. But I have left him alone because I thought that was what he needed and wanted . . . and because I didn't want him to feel pressured by me in any way or for me to complicate things for him in any way.So Larissa talked to him the other day for the first time . . . First she called his house and a "girl" answered the phone and said that Ryan was sleeping. Larissa said that he wouldn't want to miss the call and asked if she would wake him up. But the girl wouldn't do that. Later when Larissa did talk to Ryan it turns out he's got a new girlfriend. Someone close enough to him that she would be there while he's sleeping. . . I'm jealous and dissappointed. I would love to be able to write all kinds of flowery things and be able to rationalize or have a more mature set of feelings about this - But the truth is I'm very dissappointed. Dissappointed for Ryan - because I guess I imagined that he would date or have sex with another woman, but the fact that she's a semi-girlfirend so soon makes me said for him. Ryan told Larissa that he liked her because with her "I get to decide when I'm in control. I get to make all the plans" I want Ryan to move on and fall in love with a wonderful woman who is well suited for him - someone spiritual and inspirational to him - But I'm making a judgement, maybe false, about this girl already and I'm just sorry that he would move on so quickly, and be with the kind of girl I imagine Kerry to be -- someone fluffy. And secondly I'm jealous I guess because if all he wanted in a companion was someone who was devoted to him, then I'm sad that he's choosing a new girl when all along he knows he could have ben with me and i would have treated him with infinite love and respect and devotion . . . But I know I'm not in the picture now with him for many reasons. 1) because I live with Larissa and I'm so very much in the picture and Ryan does need to have new expereiences and any contact with any of the 3 of us is part of the same drama, and 2) because I live so far away, and 3) because I still need to face tha fact that it just isn't me he wants. Even in a perfect situation Ryan just doesn't want me/love me that way I guess I'm wondering now if everythign I've said and writtten has been the whole truth. I said wasn't in love with Ryan - that I had fallen out of love, but now I think I will never ever truly fall out of love with him- He will always hold a special place in my heart not just as a brother, but as a lover . . . previous /next |
