2002-02-15 - 9:08 a.m.

A year ago this week I was in New York, reuinting with Jeff and taping for the Montel Show. A year ago yesterday, the show aired on Valentine's day. I can remember the spirit of excitement with which I approached New York, and Valentine's day -- and this year I got a big kick thinking about the video tape in my closet of me and Jeff on TV. And as I do every year, I got excited about Valentine's again.

Valentine's is a day to celebrate love. And I'm all about the love. So I dig a day that commemorates it, and it doesn't bother me that its all cheesy and hyped and commercial. I love holidays in general and any excuse to celebrate, be a kid again, I dig.

I got little presents for La and Jim (La's present I had anticipated buying her for weeks) and as a special present I helped set the mood around the house for them to have a love night. Then I skidaddled so they could have the house alone together for an evening (which is rare for them in light of our current snug living situation, 3 of us in a one-bedroom place). And the look on Larissa's face when she saw the house all made up, and the thanks I got from her for doing it, wow, it just felt so good. Because I know that I showed her I love her and I know she really appreciated it. She almost cried. She thanked me a billion times, and I didn't even need that, it just made me feel good to see her sooooo happy!

I went out for the evening with Tucker, a man I met at the library a few weeks ago. Tucker is 23 years old, he has a degree in film, and he moved to LA by himself in December to find his fortune. He has the deepest most adorable dimples in his cheeks I've ever seen, which is what struck me about him when I met him.

We were at the public library, and I sat down at a computer next to him, and his dimples caught my eye. Before I left I asked him for his number and he said he was new to LA too and I said "Do you have any friends here?" and he said "Not yet." and I said "Do you want some?" and he said yes, and so I called him and he's been hanging out with me and with Jim and La ever since. Jim and La totally dig him.

So Tucker is my new good friend out here, I'm pretty much the closest friend he's got out here and next to Jim and La he's the only one I know. But I have good taste in people -- Tucker is a total sweetheart. The vibe between us is good buddies, like the vibe I had in Atlanta with Brandon or Steev, except without any romantic hint between us.

Still, when we went out on Valentine's, (we went for cocktails at this super cool bar that does not have a single sign out front at all, its considered underground even though the interior was huge and the club was very classy--Its called the 3 of clubs and its on the corner of Vine and Santa Monica, just behind the Mobile station) I couldn't help but feel an attraction towards him. It was really strange for me, because both of us are totally not into dating each other, we both just need a friend and we're well suited for that but not for anything more (I smoke, he's a non-smoker, He's rock-a-billy and rides a motor cycle, I'm kind of gothy -- which makes us great friends but not a great match)

Not to mention my thoughts are still full of Pat . . . and yet I couldn't help wanting to kiss Tucker all evening. A purely physical urge. I totally dig him as a person, but there are no butterflies in my stomach about him as a romantic interest, and yet I was staring at his lips the whole night wanting to know what it would be like to kiss him.

I wonder if I did kiss him, would that jinx any possible energy flow between me and Pat. It sounds strange, but I guess I'm a little afraid to move on, because I don't want Pat to move on. I want him to want me, and to not get involved with anyone else. If I found out in a few months that he had started to date someone else seriously, i would be so sad . . .

I wanted him to be my Valentine. Wah.

And yet in the same breath I know that Pat has made it clear he's not there, and that I'm in LA and have this whole exciting world ahead of me, and there is no room for men or drama or silly obsessional crushes based on fantasy right now at all. So I will promptly wrap Pat back up in ribbon and put him back in a memory drawer where he belongs.

Back to Valentine's day . . .

I find Valentine's day sad like my last birthday was kind of sad for me. My parents were so totally awesome to me growing up, they always threw huge birthday parties for me, and on Valentine's day my mom always made a big deal out of it and gave me flowers, candy, etc. I was so loved, celebrated and spoiled. I got used to it.

So its hard growing up. Its hard being an adult. Its hard when birthdays come by and your best friend doesn't think to even give you a card. Its hard when you don't have a boyfriend on Valentine's day, and your parents aren't in the country, and not one person in the world thinks to even give you a single valentine. Its sad.

Wah. This is my diary. I can throw myself a pity party if I want to.

But then I remember that Valentine's is all about love. And its about the love and positive energy you put out, not a tally of what comes back to you.

And I remind myself that I am loved, dearly loved, dearly appreciated by my friends and family, this I know in my heart, this I feel all the time. I have to learn not to get hung up on the idea of gifts, or cards, or things that cost money, or valentines, or physical proofs, because I don't need them, because I am very lucky, and very loved and very appreciated.

Its just sometimes hard to be a grown up. And be single.

I wanted a valentine. Wah.