2000-06-06 - 17:22:31

After all that shit went down between me and Jim and Larissa in March I was hurt, I was dragged down, I was on the ground - and I took off my ring and I was going to leave it off forever - but i was afraid if I took it off it would break some kind of psychic bond between the four of us, I was afraid of breaking the circle - so I did a ritual and cast a spell of sorts to keep us all together. I took small belonging from each of us, A golden butterfly wing that I had worn on my coat when we lived in Canada to represent me, a little bell I bought in little 5 points that was identical to Larissa's larger cow bell that Ryan had bought for her to represent her, straw from the necklace that Ryan had given to me to represent him, and I wrapped these things together and bound and tied them with a scrap of the Jim's gray t-shirt which I tore off his body in Canada -- and this I placed in my room and it has become kind of an altar because I placed rose petals around it . . . I feel that this is keeping us together against all odds until such time as we are bound together on our own out of love - and I think that time is nearly here-- At the time I felt dangerously close to leaving everyone behind and I could see that Larissa and Ryan and Jim were going to have it out and I was afraid of a break up between us all - But anyway it now stands for me as a beautiful symbol of friendship even if it isn't serving any greater purpose than being my artistic symbol. This was a good spell that I cast - and I do not believe our relationships can ever be broken.

And as we were talking about such things, I realized that there was a spell I cast at Thanksgiving last year after I was hurt so bad and the spell was a curse and I cursed Larissa and Ryan and doomed them that for them to be together they would always have to hurt other people and that each time they looked at each other and loved each other they would have to face that they hurt others to be together . . . Even though I walked into my father's room that morning intending to curse them to their faces and withheld the curse, I did not utter it and I did not mean it then, I realized that in my heart I had placed a curse, and in my diary too - and even though such a thing probably has little meaning or effect to anyone in this world - still, when I thought about it while talking to Leslie I felt unresolved and realized I needed to do something-

Leslie, who is so very wise, suggested that I "un-curse" them or remove the curse in whatever way I chose - she said that the only way to remove a curse is for the person who cast it, me, to remove it - She said that curses or revenge never makes you happy and serves no real purpose, and even though the I didn't tell her straight out about the curse and even though I don't think I gave it any weight or power at the time, still, I never un-cursed in my heart and I am going to do that this week before Larissa comes home - It can only make everyone happier - No harm can be done from un-cursing -

I know this is all dramatic sounding bullshit - but there is a grain of spiritual truth to it and I know I will feel better by giving my blessing to them.