2000-06-06 - 15:50:29

When the X hit we both just completely blew up and I was more turned on than I had ever been in my life - I wish the ex had stayed that up like it was then because we were totally energized and I know the sex would have been great - but it was a very smacky roll and we ended up coming down and staying very down (which was still a good time - just very different) Also, it made me a bit sick to my stomach and I threw up - on Jim. But what can you do? It was in the moment, and not on purpose . . . So I forgive myself allthough I do still feel bad somewhat because I want Jim to think of me as sexy and it was a very un-sexy thing -- I'm sure we will laugh about it in years to come -

So after the x we did go to bed - and ended up having sex in the afternoon when we woke up- This time we did have great sex- it wasn't in love romantic foreplay beautiful sex - it was some hot friction and it was good - We both wanted it - and we ended up purely fucking for an hour straight, I was totally impressed with Jim and I came, like , 4 times -- We were so sweaty afterwards that we had to go swimming in the hotel pool to get un-sticky -

The evening was spent going out for drinks to a couple of bars and running errands - We got back to the hotel around 10 pm- And I had brought with me an 8th of Mushrooms . . .

And this is the part of the weekend that has meant something to me, that has struck a deep chord in me forever -- We ate the mushrooms and spent the night in our hotel room and on on the beach, just the two of us. It was so touching and special and we just relaxed and laughed - we were our pure selves, we were just Jim and Hillary - and I really liked him - I mean with no thought to history or past or future or drama or sex - just hanging out with the human that is Jim - I really really liked him, and I liked me too, and Jim liked me - and we really got along. Jim told me later that he thought we were good together on mushrooms and he wished we could be like that all the time, because then we could really be together -

Jim had never done mushrooms before and so he was scared at first, he was afraid of having a bad trip like an acid trip and he was reluctant (allthough of course he would never turn a drug down when it is presented to him) - But he ended up really enjoying himself and me too - and he told me he felt like the mushrooms unlocked something in him and he felt changed by the experience, and he wanted to do more - After we had such a good experience together both of us feel that this is our drug of choice, and want to have as many mushrooms as possible - I feel like I could do them every day -- It was so beautiful to be so in the moment and so childlike with Jim, we just laughed and played and hung out and I felt really connected to him - And I felt that he truly cares about me and loves me. We connected on a deep level and didn't have to talk about it or explain ourselves to each other - and we balanced each other perfectly and kept each other in good spirits. We completely cracked up laughing the whole time, too - and laughed at the people on the beach who were fishing, or drinking, they were our amusement, and we drank Coronas and sat out on our patio and we went "treasure hunting" in my cd collection and in general we just laughed. Sometimes Mushrooms can be spiritual in the sense that you take them to have a sacred experience with the universe - and sometimes its good to do them just to feel good and to feel warm and fuzzy about being human and to laugh and be carefree.

Sunday we got up and checked out of the hotel - and Jim took me out to lunch at this chinese restaurant - and we talked about things and I told him how I remembered in his "the death of 21" statement that he had written how if you don't still feel love for someone then the love was never there at all, and that I thought that was true, and that I felt love for Jim, and he said he felt the same about me -- I was supposed to drive home on Sunday night to come back to Atlanta, but for some reason it didn't feel right to leave - so I stayed the night and got up at the butt crack of dawn and drove home on Monday morning - and before I left I hugged Jim and said goodbye to him and the smile he gave me was the most sincere smile --

I always know when I go to see Jim that we're going to have a good time, and party - and I know there won't be drama and I know we're friends - but what was different about seeing him this time was that after the mushrooms - I really felt that Jim and I were getting closer to being the people we want to be, our true selves, I really saw the ways Jim has grown, I really saw again why I had cared about him in the first place, I really felt that we connected and I saw that we are growing up, in good ways - I am no longer afraid of Jim being on a death march, instead I feel like he will have a bumpy road in life, but I didn't feel that he was going to be totally destructive to himself, I could see that he is trying hard like me to self-cultivate so to speak and to be himself and grow, and I believe in him.

For my birthday, I want to put my friends in a couple of cars and drive us to the mountains and camp for a night, and I want us to make some Mushroom tea and all trip together - I think it would be wonderful -- Jim told me he's going to come up for my birthday, and that will make it a happy birthday for me.