2000-06-07 - 12:54:49

We got to talking and I told her about Jim's plan to come to Atlanta this fall to live - and she and I had planned to live Atlanta behind for our road trip on Sept 1 - but after I told her about Jim I think she may be rethinking her plans - She told me about her visit with Ry in California - She said that she adores and loves Ry, but that they fought the first few days she was there - and that even though they shroomed together in the desert and connected deeply with each other at the end - she understood that she was still very much in love with Jim and had more to explore with Jim and that she is in love with Ry's potential and wants to be with him at some point in the future, but that he's in love with her in the now and wants to be with her now - and she wants to go to California for many reasons but does not see herself with Ry now --So she said she's tired of everything depending on her and her actions and the importance placed on the things she does, she says it makes her feel pressured and she can't be vulnerable around me and Jim because of it -

I can totally dig that and I have to say that I'm in a different place than I was a few months ago and her decisions about her life or California or Jim or Ry or moving or staying are all things that I take an interest in because I care about her like a dearly loved sister, but her decisions no longer have bearing on the plans I make, and I'm not sweating anything she might do. I can dig where she's at and I feel that we are all coming to a place where we can connect with each other without needing to have promises or decisions or plans made - we can just dig the time we have with each other. So it will be interesting to see how things all shake down between me and La and our lives later - I can't wait for her to come home so we can talk and figure out when and if we're taking our road trip, which to me seems like something important I want to do - and if her life changes and her plans change, then maybe I'll still take the trip in September by myself with Heinrich, or maybe I'll stick around and save up some money for school and take a trip to South America next year or something else . . . In any even I know my life is going to work out and I feel potential and excitement in the air about the many different directions in which it could lead.

As for my feelings about her and Ry, I definitely don't think that she's toying with him at all - That was a thought from my secret black heart from months ago, years ago even when I misunderstood La, when I misunderstood Ry, when we were all different. Now I see that we are all going with our individual flow and I don't expect her to make a choice or be with anyone (she's so young anyway, my god 21 is too young to get so involved, I am too young still at 24 to go there again!) - And having talked with Ry in Chicago I see how he makes choices and follows his heart like she does and his own feelings and plans are up to him - As long as we are all trying our best to be our pure selves, and to love each other, and to be honest with ourselves and each other, then nothing can really go that wrong. La and Ry trust in their deep connection to each other and so do I.

But I am sad to hear that they didn't get together out there - I mean in the sense that they didn't fight and resolve and then fall back madly in love and decide to make a passionate beginning of a monogomous relationship with each other - I'm sorry La didn't find herself to be overwhelmed by love and passion for the Ry now. I know its all none of my business (my mother's voice echos in my head with that phrase so much, I hear her clearly with her screechy Texas mom voice "Hill-ry, That is NONE of yr biznes! Stay Ow-ut of it!") But it makes me sad in my heart because she is choosing exactly what I would not choose - because when I helped her find a flight to California and drove her to the airport it was me that wanted to be on that plane, because to hear her say that she and Ry are chillin it for a while makes me want to fly out there or even move to Santa Barbara and give him another taste of my sweet loving and show him that I can love him, completely and fully -- And the reasons why I don't do that are many - because love takes 2 and Ry is loving La and they have not reached the end of their chapter yet -- and because I need to make my own life without any one of them - and because if Ry and I are ever possibly someday going to get together, then to make that work Ry has to want to be with me and he will need to stand up and make that move towards me for us to start on the right foot - and because really I can't be putting myself through more drama and that's what this flip flopping between us all will amount to - needless drama. The drama we went through last fall and early in this spring was all necessary, absolutely vital for making me who I am and giving me confidence, strength of character, helping me deconstruct myself and face my demons and crushing me and showing me my emotions - if I had it all to go through again I would in a heartbeat - but if I were starting fresh from this point on, there's no need to hurt each other more in the future - I want to learn to be in the moment more and to see things big picture, I want to learn to feel more and think less - And I want to learn to think less about distant love affairs and more about appreciating the people in my life here.

I want to write Ry a letter, but there's nothing to say. Maybe I'll just send him a postcard and just say:
Buck:
I've been thinking about you. You okay? Mushrooms are lovely -
Love,
Hillary

La said she and Ry really fleshed things out between them by each telling the story of their relationship from their perpective, as if they were telling it to someone who didn't know them - she said it helped Ry say alot to her that he would say to a friend that he wouldn't have told her, and helped her it all in a new perspective - She asked me to be prepared to talk to her about our story when she got back . . . I think maybe I'll write one for each of the three of us. I am interested in hearing her story too . . . Got to think this over tonight, La returns tommorrow, its exciting to think that she's coming home, and home is with me -- A big part of me will be very sad when we have to live apart, it will be a difficult adjustment, and I honestly don't know what my future will bring or if I can bear to be away from my loved ones for so long -- but I won't know until I try. There's always Romania . . .