2000-06-08 - 15:19:37

I first met LA through friends at the women�s college that we went to. She was just turning 17 and I was 19 n- the next year we ended up rooming together at Agnes Scott because we had jazz class together and she was going to be a sophomore and couldn�t get a single room and needed a roommate � At the last minute before room draw my roommates from that year ditched me and I found myself in the same boat � LA and I figured that it would be better to room with someone we knew than take the luck of the draw having someone assigned to room with us � so we decided to room together. About a week into the summer Molly Merrick � the ancient assistant dean of students who had been living with her mother and working for Agnes Scott since the 1950s, whose shoes were orthopedic and whose nose had a strange cancerous growth, called me and offered to give me a single room after all, since I was going to be a junior � I guess at that point I could have let LA fend for herself and taken the better room � but something in me decided to stay with her � It was meant to be.

I don�t remember much of the next year with LA. I spent most of my time at my boyfriend�s house and neglected my school friends. She was a couple of years younger than me and so she had a different set of friends at school alltogether and so we didn�t hang out socially at all. When we were in the room together, we were doing mostly doing schoolwork, or sleeping. At the time I was very politically active in student government and in my local church and was a very dilligent student � I thought I was soooo mature, and LA seemed to me then a little girl � she didn�t drink at all and she was very opinionated with her staunchly right wing beliefs. She spent a lot of time in a chat room on the internet, or talking to her boyfriend on the phone. I hated her boyfriend, whom I had never met, because he always made her cry. I thought my perverted asshole of a boyfriend was soooo mature. My asshole had made me a music tape once, the only thing he ever put himself out to do for me, and LA recorded over part of it once. It was the first and only time I ever got mad at her, for just a moment � and it liked to have scared her to death. She cried a long time that night.

She cried a lot. I was not sad, I was content all the time. As far as I was concerned, I had found someone to date me and I was doing well in school. Just before Christmas I went into the hospital for surgery to have breast reduction surgery � It was a change in my ugly body that I had wanted to make for years and it brought me some confidence. The day I was in the hospital my boyfriend had to study for school exams and never made it to the hospital to visit me. LA skipped her exams and stayed by my side in the hospital the whole day � 10 hours � until my mom arrived from out of town. She really had the most compassionate and generous heart of any of my friends before or since.

LA was also very creative and brought out the artistic side in me. For Valentine�s day that year LA and I bought plain wooden keepsake boxes and stained them and decorated them on the insides as presents for said boyfriends � We had such a good time making these together. It was a bright spot in a long winter � When spring came we had become friends and decided to room together again � sans LA�s pet snake which had long since escaped from our room.

During the summer that year my grandparents died. I was very close to them and spent most of the summer in Texas caring for them. When I came back to school in the fall I had changed � I was sad for the first time that I was aware of and I slept a lot. LA was completely different � she had cut her hair short and learned to drink and had ditched her stupid boyfriend over the summer. We both spent a lot more time at school. Our new room this year was a split double � so each of us had our own adjoining bedrooms - I had turned 21 over the summer and I could buy alcohol now � so we started keeping a bottle or two of liquor around the room from which to do shots. We both spent a lot more time together and actually started to hang out together that fall � going to movies, learning to crochet, participating in school functions where beer was served (like Black Cat.)

LA had started to date a new guy from her hometown and brought him to school for the first time in December. He was a scrawny bug-eyed white boy named Ry � he was going to some hick school in Tennessee � He didn�t seem like he had much of a future and LA seemed a lot more into him than he was into her so I didn�t think I�d be seeing much of him � but he impressed me with his sheer niceness and his drinking fortitude � He and I stayed up long after LA passed out and shared a bottle of vodka � And I decided he had a good heart and was worthy of her.

The Spring of that year was when LA became real to me � I had finally got the memo about my boyfriend being a pig and managed to ditch him � meanwhile her ex-boyfriend started to harass her via email � we banded together and faced the world by partying. We started spending all our free time together and inviting people back to our dorm room every other weekend for parties. The first memorable one we had was in January � We had invited every lesbian at the school and few lesbians from off campus � and I had set up a bar with my dead grandparents blender, measuring cups, agnes scott shot glasses to go along with the Goldschlager that was LA�s shot of choice, Cuervo Gold from the Lesbians in the room next door, and a bottle of 151 Rum which was my contribution. We then proceeded to drink and wait for the LA�s boyfriend Ry and his best friend to show up, who would be the only men at the party.

When the boys arrived we were thrilled -we started doing shots of Rum to get the party going � only we didn�t have enough shot glasses to go around so we handed Ry a 1/3 cup measuring cup from which to do his shots. Later in the evening we regretted that decision when he began to projectile vomit all over our carpet. I was very much impressed that evening by Ry�s friend Jim who was friendly and energetic and funny and also the sexiest thing I had ever seen in pants. I was enraptured by his good looks all evening. I was surprised that LA hadn�t chosen to date him instead of Ry, because Jim was absolutely stunningly handsome and Ry was a bit geeky, (in a charming way of course). However Jim did not dazzle me with his intellect, he seemed like dangerously frat-boy-like in his fervor for alcohol, plus I heard a rumor that (gasp!) he did drugs, and he was dating another good looking girl in his hometown � I pegged him for a player and made out with him that night but thought no more about him for a few months.

That party was the first of many and LA and I gained a reputation around campus for partying. LA was sought after by all the most wanted Lesbians at school. I really thought that we were the most fun and daring girls that we knew. LA�s best friend Cynthia moved in our dorm with us later in the spring and by the time of our spring formal, the three of us were inseparable and our room had become a cool place to hang out.

LA invited her boy Ry to come to Spring Fling. Cynthia was dating this artist-type that LA and I couldn�t keep our eyes off of ( he was so good looking and aloof and creative � we thought Cynthia must be a lot deeper than we thought to snag such a sensitive and cool guy � I mean, he had even been in a rock band in Florida!) but there was noone for me to go to the dance with � So LA talked Ry into talking his friend Jim to come down and be my double date. The dance turned out to be a ton of fun for all of us . Jim actually thought I was sexy and cool � we ended up hooking up that weekend to the great surprise of both of us and of the rest of our friends. The last six weeks of school after that seemed like something out of John Hughes movie for all of us � we were in high spirits and did nothing but party. Cynthia and Jason got engaged to be married. We thought we�d be friends forever. LA was without a doubt the best friend I ever had and I knew it � Plus she was a bad ass � I had previously planned to go away to grad school but couldn�t bear to leave because I was just starting to really have a good time in life.

LA still had one more year of school left and would be staying in campus apartments the next year � but she needed a place for the summer. I had no plans for the future yet at all � so we decided to find a place for the two of us to live for the summer. We ended up finding a family who needed housesitters for the summer while they went out of town � it was a perfect opportunity. We were interviewed by the family and got the house. As soon as we knew we would be living there we invited Jim to live with us � He desperately wanted to come to Atlanta to be out of his small home town and to be close to me. We all moved into the house the first week of June, with me and Jim very much in love and sharing a bedroom.

The same week that we moved in, LA dropped the bombshell on us that she had decided to break-up with Ry. They were dating each other seriously and exclusively, but Ry wasn�t being sexual with her at all. She was 19 and sex was an important part of her life. Ry was 21 and was not interested in sex. It was a problem in their relationship that they couldn�t resolve. Ry wasn�t affirming LA�s attractiveness sexually and I think it was hard for her to be around me and Jim who were constantly having sex � she finally couldn�t stand it and broke up with Ry. Immediately she found someone to have sex with. Jim was devastated by all this since Ry was his best friend � he felt she should have chosen love over sex and Jim and LA started fighting.

By the end of the summer they were barely civil to each other. I was put in an awful position because I had been LA�s best friend for years and wanted to support her fully � but I had just found the man of my dreams � an artist who shared my taste in music and was sexy and energetic and treated me like a diva � I couldn�t possibly choose between them or take one side over another. For most of the summer we were all living an idyllic life and were drinking margaritas on the porch of our home every night � We never went out � Our social life consisted of the three of us and drop-in visitors such as Jim�s drinking buddy Paul and LA�s booster club of Agnes Scott friends. But after Ry quit coming to visit and LA started sexing with her new man, things were very tense between Jim and LA.

In August when it was time to move out of our summer abode I had to make a choice of where to live. LA had the opportunity to pay to live in the campus apartments and I couldn�t afford to pay that much rent on my hourly retail wage � Jim and I were still completely gaga in love and didn�t want to be separated for a moment. He had gotten into art school in Atlanta for the fall and needed to find a place to live. It seemed like the natural choice for me and Jim to live together. We found a tiny studio apartment that we could afford in a funky area of town and moved in.

Throughout the fall LA had gone back for her senior year of school � and I had also gone back to school for the education program at Agnes Scott. My life was completely busy � I was working full time, going to school full time, student teaching, and trying to keep up a passionate and intense relationship with Jim. I tried hard to keep up my friendship with LA too, because it was very important to me. I found that to be extremely difficult as Jim and LA�s intolerance for each other grew. Trying to find time to hang out with LA without Jim was very difficult, especially since Jim was new in town and I was his only friend � any time I spent with LA meant Jim was at home waiting on me. Still, the three of us tried to keep our friendship going and planned a trip to New Orleans together with Paul and Ry.

New Orleans was a disaster from the start � we were going down for Halloween to attend the Anne Rice Ball �Jim and I could barely afford to eat let alone go out of town- but we really wanted to have a good time with our friends. Needless to say, Jim and LA didn�t get along and ended up making a huge scene in downtown in the middle of the street in the middle of the night on Halloween. Jim and LA acted like babies, and I was stuck in the middle between them both. Ry and Paul cowered from taking any stance on the situation at all and we were all miserable.

After Halloween, things were different between me and LA � She thought Jim was an asshole and she had lost all respect for me for being with him. And she had gotten back with Ry and left him again and I had become closer with Ry through Jim � I thought she was insensitive to his feelings and selfish and I couldn�t hide that from her. We were still trying to keep our friendship together but it was hard because for the first time we were judging each other- and it is impossible for two girlfriends to hang out without talking about their relationships � our friendship became stilted. Meanwhile Jim and I had made friends among the gay male community in Atlanta, because he was not yet 21 and could get into gay bars by virtue of his good looks. We made friends in a particular bar called Tripps. There is a culture at this bar that includes coke and so Jim and I began doing a bit of coke socially with our friends there. I tried to confide in LA about my life and continued to trust her as a friend - but she was so angry at Jim that she kept seeing Jim in me and we really couldn�t hang out without holding back so much from each other. One night we got into an honest discussion about our lives and the subject of drugs came up � I mentioned to her that I had been doing coke at the bar � and she told me how she had been doing acid and X. � I knew the effects of coke and found them to be positive and fleeting � coke almost had a sobering effect on me and Jim. I didn�t understand Acid or X and thought those were dangerous drugs that caused people to loose track of their minds � I felt a little uncomfortable that LA was doing those drugs, but I didn�t say anything to her, because I didn't have any experience and I trusted her.

In January I started a new job at Mindspring in which I worked from 3 to midnight. One night after work LA and Cynthia stopped by my work to pick me up and hang out after work. We went over to another friend's house and when I arrived, I found that LA and Cynthia had gathered a group together to confront me with my "coke problem." I was made to sit in the center of a circle of my friends at 1 AM and answer questions regarding my relationship with Jim and my "habit" - LA had told all my friends about my partying out of concern for me, but she had failed to let any of our friends know anything about her own party habits. I felt tricked into coming there, and I felt judged - and i was really angry at LA for her hypocracy - I saw her as doing all of this just to create drama, to make herself look like a good friend and me look like a junkie, and to create support among our friends for disliking Jim, who was of course viewed as the root cause of all my problems. At the time i really was going through some issues with Jim that i wanted to talk over with someone, i needed some advice but I didn't feel like I could talk openly in front of so many people, and i knew that LA had no experience to draw upon in the situation I was in - plus she had made up her mind against me - I ended up spending the night talking and crying with another friend while LA and Cynthia fumed because things didn't go that evening as they had planned - I didn't play into their drama and I didn't beg them to put me in rehab or thank them for saving me.

LA took home and in the car on the way she expressed her anger for me at the way I had treated her that night - I felt that she had no real concern for me - we said we'd try and still be friends but when I went inside and saw Jim, who had been worried about me and was waiting for me - I broke down crying - he held me tight and supported me and was so angry with the way he felt I had been treated - he became really angry at my friends and was really loving towards me. Jim was my closest friend and lover - I now felt like it was him and me against the world.

I waited a week and didn't hear from LA, no apology, no call to check on my well being - and i felt so hurt I didn't know what to do. In the past I had felt like any problem in our friendship that we had encountered I had always avoided conflict and given in to LA's stronger personality - this time I really wanted to tell her how she had made me feel. I wrote her a long letter pouring out all my feelings and dropped it by her apartment. The last page of the letter was angry - telling her I didn't think i wanted to be her friend. I guess I thought if she really wanted to pursue a friendship with me or really thougth i was in trouble with Jim or drugs that she would contact me - but she never did. I missed her as a friend dearly, but did not contact her again because it was clear to me that she didn't really care.

The springtime was lonely for me as Jim and i were struggling to stay in love and to move into a new apartment - I had quit school (which was okay since I had already graduated) and Jim was finishing his year at his art school. We did not see LA at all, and saw precious little of Ry or Paul. We made new friends at Tripps and through Jim's work at Tower and had some good times, but also fell into a routine existance of drinking and potsmoking. Without any creative outlet and without any girlfriends to hang with - my self-esteem dropped and I began looking for ways to change my life - Jim and I really wanted to stay together, but he was dissatisfied with school and we had no reason to stay in Atlanta. We came up with the idea that we would move to Canada and live with my dad there - Then Jim would go to film school, and I was going to apply to the Peace Corps. This way we could start new adventurous lives, but our relationship would come to a natural end when he moved into the dorms of his new school and I went traveling.

About a month before we were to leave, I started tying up loose ends around town. I had made up with most of my previous friends, but hadn't contacted LA. I missed her very much and finally decided to get over whatever had gone on earlier in the year - I wanted to contact her and see if she had changed - see if she would be interested in seeing me before I left. I wrote her a letter but before I could send it, she called me on the phone at work and asked to see me. I was thrilled at the thought of seeing her again, but also a bit wary. We decided to meet during my lunch break at work that afternoon.

When i saw her again we both melted and were glad to be in each other's presense. I figured we had weathered a huge storm together, but ultimately our friendship was more important to me than pride or fighting. I wanted her back in my life - and in all seriousness we vowed that we would never "break up" or let anything come between our friendship again - that whatever happened we wanted to be in each other's lives and we would work it out. But I was afraid of Jim's response. One night at the bar I took Jim aside and told him about me and LA - I expected him to be furious but instead he said he was open to seeing her again too - she had been his friend too once and he hoped that we could all get along. He suggested we invite her over to hang out with us the next weekend, 2 weeks before our impending departure for Canada.

LA did come over that weekend - and just as she arrived so did Ry and a friend of his from Huntsville - Jim wanted to ensure that we had a good time that weekend so he procured some X for us all to take, to give us warm fuzzy feelings. We all hung out and went to a bar, and by the time the X kicked in we were thoroughly enjoying hanging out again together and all the old wounds and fights had completely dissolved. We ended up giving in totally to the feeling of the drug and of the moment, and ended up all making out with each other.

Ry was due to leave for his new school in California that Monday, so there were only a couple of days before we wouldn't see him again for months - I didn't have to work on the weekends and this was supposed to be Jim's last weekend of work - we wanted to continue to hang out together and carry on our good times and bond before Ry left - So Jim quit his job and we all road tripped to Huntsville. We stayed with a friend Jason and ended up repeating our nude make-out session the next night, only without the aid of any drugs. Everything seemed like a wonderful exploration of human sexuality and a very healthy way for us to get close together - Ry had grown up alot in the last couple of years and the two of us had grown to be very close friends - Jim was the love of my life without a doubt - but the passion stirred in me by Ry was immense and I enjoyed exploring that with him - I really didn't think too much of Jim and LA making out because LA and Ry were in a monogomous relationship like me and Jim - and I figured it was all among friends.

LA spent the next week with Ry, then came back to Atlanta for the last week before we left for Canada. Jim and I both wanted to spend as much time with her as possible before we went - Jim and LA hung out together all day while I went to work, and when I came home we all stayed up late partying - Since we were spending so much time with LA anyway it became convenient for her to crash at our house at night- It was very hot in our little apartment and the only room with airconditioning was the living room - so each night we all slept in the same couch-bed. Jim and I didn't have much opportunity for romance that week - but things between us had been slowing down and changing and I knew that we would have plenty of time to be alone once we got to Canada.

Two nights before we left for Canada the three of us dropped acid. I was really touched by LA's friendship at one moment in the trip and actually cried. Being on acid together was like being our true selves (sprinkled with a bit of insanity and absurdity)I saw LA this night as beautiful for the first time - and I saw how she had really relaxed and grown up - The way she called us "Honey" and the way she gently guided us through our trip showed that she had gained some wisdom and experience in the months that we had been apart and I really looked up to her from that point on - I wanted to be as sophisticated and experienced as I thought she was. We had such a magical experience and bonded so much - it occurred to us that LA should go on the trip with us to Canada - we would be driving 10 days from Atlanta to Vancouver - it seemed only natural that she should join us and make this a road trip to remember. The next day LA quit school and her job, helped us pack our little car - and then we left for Canada.

One part of our acid experience had been a sexual encounter as a three-some - it completely delighted Jim and was enjoyable to all of us - it seemed like a natural progression of our intimacy as friends to share intimacy physically and I had complete love and trust for LA and Jim. Somewhere inside each of us knew we were playing with fire - but we mutually agreed to continue our little hippie love experiment because when would we ever have an opportunity like this again?

I was very naive at the time- I thought because I had lived with a man and had worked a full time job and had partied with the big dogs, so to speak, that I was sooo mature - but in fact I was very innocent at this time. I found out much later that Jim and LA had gotten together just the two of them during that last week while I was at work - That she had sucked his dick and that they had been developing feelings for each other - and that because the three of us later got together the two of them assumed that I was in the know and understood what was going on between them. But I didn't - I know it sound ignorant but I really had no idea - I believed that Jim felt the same way about LA that I did - that he was celebrating her return into our lives and that he was playing out a male fantasy of being intimate with two women whom he loved - But it never occurred to me that there was any more to thier friendship or physical relationship than what I was a participant in. Regardless of what happened between me and Jim, the one thing in our relationship that we could always count on with each other was that we could trust each other not to kiss or flirt or get with anyone else. I think if I had known what was really going on at the time I would have felt like that trust had been violated - perhaps Jim and I would have broken up and the friendship between me and LA would have ended too. But as it was, I didn't know - and so I didn't feel any hurt and things turned out the way they did.

For the next 10 days we were on the greatest adventure of our lives - road tripping through the US and Canada, drinking and partying along the way. We tried our best to be carefree and in the moment and for the most part we were. I really enjoyed having a friend in her that I could confide everything in - and I enjoyed conspiring with her to show Jim a good time. There were moment when I began to question my own sexuality and felt almost as if I were in love with LA, but sexually there was no chemistry between us at that time. In general we hot tubbed and got drunk every night and smoked pot and ate jerky every day - And we even took in some sights along the way. I will always remember it as one of the greatest expereinces of my life.

Near the end of the trip Jim stopped trying to hide the fact that he favored LA over me - I began to feel very jealous and hurt - but I didn't want to turn the trip into something that any one of us would later regret - I didn't want us to look back on things and remember the drama - and since all the way along I had been an equal player and chooser of the way things happened between us - I didn't feel like I had any right to go back and change my mind and cause a scene. Instead, we made it into Vanouver drama-free.

LA left a couple of days after we arrived and Jim and I were both immediately depressed. As soon as she left, the reality of our new life set in. I was scared about living in a new city and being alone with Jim again - Somehow Canada was this beautiful dream that we never really expected to come true, and once we were there the weight of everything that had happened and a new life beginning in a new country where only I was able to work hit me like an anvil to the chest. Jim stopped sleeping with me as soon as LA was gone. LA's feelings were all mixed up after our trip and she broke up with Ry right away. Within a couple of weeks of her departure, Jim and I broke up.

Jim and I missed LA tremendously and talked to her on the phone every few days. LA and I began emailing each other daily. I could see from Jim's demeanor and from things he had said to me that he had fallen completely in love with her - and I had no hard feelings because I truly loved Jim and I had come to love LA - and when you love someone you want them to be happy, and I could see the feelings they had for each other weren't meant to hurt me on purpose. So Jim and I stopped being intimate with each other, and he made a trip to Atlanta to see LA

Meanwhile, allthough I was making friends in Vancouver easily, I was thinking of LA all the time and her emails and phone calls became very important to me - I daydreamed about her and I felt a stronger connection with her than I ever had before. On a couple of occasions I had dreams about her. She would call me and Jim and talk to us both, but she would always say to me how much she loved me and missed me at times more than Jim. And she told me that if being with Jim was going to mean another end to her frienship with me, than she would give up Jim if I asked her to. So our friendship became very close.

Ry was hurting and lonely in his new home in California. I went to see him in October and we also became close. I honestly went out of friendship but found that Ry had grown and changed so much in the couple of months since I'd seen him - We discovered an attraction for each other and acted on it.

During Thanksgiving week LA and Ry both came to visit me and Jim in Vancouver. That was a landmark week in all of our friendships. LA arrived first and I fell in love with her, and found myself physically attracted to her for the first time ever. She had also become much more spiritual in the time since I'd seen her last, and so had I. She had been reading Tarot cards and performing blood rituals. I bought a bowl for her altar to keep her Tarot cards in and I spent several days sleeping with it and cleansing it, and fasting - preparing for her arrival and the "allignment" of the four of us. I thought things would be wonderful

When Ry first arrived he and I hooked up and in a drunken night he told me he was in love with me. But he hadn't seen LA since they broke up and by the end of the week they were feeling the pull of each other. LA had given up on Jim and after we all dropped x Ry broke it to me that he was making a choice between us and choosing LA. I was heartbroken, and while I should have confronted Ry about it I was too upset to do that. I saw LA as having broken up me and Jim, and then coming between me and Ry. I thought she was careless and greedy and insensitive to who she hurt and I thought she was being a bad friend to me. I got angry at her and expressed it. Ry felt terribly guilty over the whole thing, and Jim felt ignored and left out. It was a black time.

Only a couple of days after LA and Ry left Canada, Jim left to go back to visit his parents in Alabama. It finally dawned on me that my lover and roomate for the last year and a half was moving out, and I was so sad. LA had gotten home to Atlanta and was sad and lonely too- I knew I couldn't stand being up there in Canada alone and I felt like LA and I needed to really reconcile. She invited me to come live with her in Atlanta after New Years and I bought my one-way ticket back to the good ol US of A.

During the next month Jim went to visit LA and the two of them became fully involved, sexually and emotionally. When I arrived just before New Years - they were a couple. Ry was pained by this, but he and Jim had blood bonded and made their peace about this. So Ry and I hooked up again- this time we had sex, which was a big deal for both of us since we hadn't had sex with anyone since LA and Jim. Ry wasn't in love with me, and I knew it - he was in need of comfort and affection. But I fell in love with Ry- hard. I expected things between me and LA to be okay since she had been making choices to be with Jim and not Ry and since