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2000-06-12 - 20:14:16 Got a call from Jim today - strange . . . He was back to his old asshole attitude, which was frustrating - He called to tell me he can't come down for my birthday - which is really dissappointing because Jim adds so much to a celebratory setting, he brings an intensity and a sense of in the moment and makes every time we are together a time to be remembered for all time -- He said he had to work and he wasn't sure if he could get off, but I'm starting to think by his demeanor that it wasn't about his job - he seemed frustrated and closed off- but as usual when he was like that he didn't open up about what was going on with him - I thought at first it may have been the deal about Ryan coming, but he was frustrated before I even mentioned Ryan -And then there was a moment when we were talking about last weekend when I came to visit him, and he was real for a moment and he told me he had a much better time than he ever thought possible- He said it came very unexpectedly to him - And I told him I was surprised too, and that it felt good to be so real with him - I'm thinking now that maybe the deal is that Jim is fine with whatever about being around Ryan and Larissa, but that the weirdness for him is seeing me and Larissa at the same time- maybe he felt something for me last weekend and doesn't know how to reconcile that with his feelings for Larissa, and he doesn't want to get with one or the other of us this week and screw it up for himself with the other - maybe he doesn't think he can be real around me if she's around or vice versa -- So I really want Jim to come and I was so dissappionted to hear that he might not, and dissappointed to hear him sound so rough, I really wish he would tell me what's going on in his head- he just had a fuck it attitude - I talked with Larissa briefly and she had said he called the house and she got the same impression, only she said his attitude made her mad and she didn't care if he came or not. I tried to lure Jim to the party with the promise of mushrooms, but I'm not sure it worked - he sounded like he has been getting fucked up and that he wasn't in a mood to be persuaded. I can't brood on this now-I can only accept that Jim is going to be however he is, but its too bad he's like this now - he was so very open before. previous /next |
